“One reason people resist change is because they focus on what they have to give up, instead of what they have to gain”
When marriages end, two people that were once one, go their separate ways and continue on with their lives. When marriages end that involve children, it is nearly impossible for the exes to have zero communication. Afterall, they created life together and that fact does not dissipate because the marriage is over.
Most of the time, it is difficult for two people that once shared their most intimate moments with one another, to completely turn those feelings off and change lanes. What is even more difficult is being able to co-parent your children after your marriage ends on negative terms.
This becomes the time when we must do our very best to heal from the hurt and anger in order to ensure that our children have the childhood they deserve. Containing your feelings is not as simple as flipping a switch.
You do not just wake up one day and say, “Who cares that my life did not turn out the way I expected. Who cares that the person I imagined I would spend the rest of my life with decided they did not want to be married to me any longer.”
Hurt and pain will never go away on their own. Instead, it takes a tremendous amount of work, maturity, and selflessness.
There are times that no matter how hard you try, the other person is just not willing to communicate or co-parent with you. Maybe it is just going to take them a little longer to move past the pain and heartbreak. Quite possibly, there are underlying issues that you may know nothing about.
Whatever the reason may be, it is extremely important to find a solution for the sake of your children. For some, that solution is communicating through attorneys, email, text messages, phone apps, or even a relative.
Since we have broken all the rules on co-parenting, our idea is to utilize the stepparent in your dynamic.
Who says co-parenting cannot involve parenting or communicating with your child’s stepparent, instead of strictly between the biological parents?
Is that even possible?
Is that even considered “co-parenting”?
For us, we say, “Heck yes!” In fact, we are primarily the ones co-parenting most of the time. Now, we understand that there may be a lot of questions that fall behind this style of co-parenting, such as, “Why are both biological parents not involved in co-parenting as well?”
“What do you mean Loren and John have little communication?”
“Is this not a team effort?”
Let’s start with the obvious - Loren and John have had a rocky road for quite some time. Normal communication for them is more challenging than necessary at times. In order to make any sort of head way, there requires a mediator. Enter April.
April is what we like to call, “The Softener”. She can effectively communicate from both sides. One side being her husband, and the other being her best friend. We know what you’re thinking, and you’re right…April does not have the most glamorous position in all of this.
“For me, John is an enigma. He is difficult to understand and at times even more difficult to get through to. We do not operate on the same energy waves, and that causes a lot of friction.
I do wish things could be different, but the reality is, I am unable to effectively co-parent with just John. Knowing this, I have had to do a double take on my own expectations and allow April to be our mediator. If it were not for her, the reality of what our co-parenting world would look like is dark and sad. Sad for us, and for our boys.
It took a giant pill of pride that I had to swallow to get to the understanding that in order for there to be success for us as parents, I was going to have to trust in April to help me, and she has never let me down. Talk about taking a giant leap of faith!” - Loren
Parenting, even when you are still married to the mother or father of your children, takes hard work, dedication, and all the wine.
It is about knowing your strengths and weaknesses. When you are married, it is easy to lean on your spouse and have them pick up the slack. Once you delve into the uncharted territory of co-parenting with an ex, all bets are off.
The rules change after divorce; you have to start from ground zero and rewrite the playbook.
Sometimes, your family (yes we say family, because even though you are divorced – you are still a family) is lucky enough to gain an angel that is disguised as a stepparent.
Stepparents are often not given the credit they deserve. These individuals step into a sometimes messy situation and are still willing to be a voice of reason during a very trying time.
We understand that not all stepparents are created equal and that every situation is unique in its own right. However, if you are lucky enough to have someone that is willing to put your child’s needs above their own, and that person has absolutely no blood relation to your child, take our advice and welcome that person into your family and utilize their strengths to benefit your child’s happiness.
“When Jerry and I divorced, things were not exactly amicable. I held onto a lot of anger and resentment and did everything I could to make his life a living Hell. I felt justified in my actions because of the pain I went through during our marriage. But you know something, I was completely insane! I am not God. It was not my job to make someone pay for their past mistakes. It certainly was not my job to use my children as pawns in an evil game of ‘get even’ with their father.
When I was urged by Roy (my second husband) to forgive and move on, I decided that I needed to take a step back and gain my composure. It was decided that Roy and Jerry would be co-parenting for a while, until I could mature and heal. I am thankful that God sent Roy to be such a calming force in my life and am equally thankful that Jerry entertained my crazy self and agreed to co-parent with my new husband.
Fast forward a couple of decades to the time I married a man with three little boys and an ex-wife. I had been down the co-parenting road before, so I did not think it would be hard for me. Boy, was I ever wrong! Communication between Loren and John was nonexistent, and I was her mortal enemy. No matter how hard I tried, she was not willing to accept anything I had to offer.
It took me humbling myself and putting my selfishness aside to work on creating positivity in our relationship. Something hit me like a ton of bricks one day, and I decided to put myself in Loren’s shoes. Our situation was unique from the beginning. However, when I began to understand what was going on in our dynamic, I learned exactly what I needed to do and how I needed to approach the situation.
After both of us had time to heal and calm our emotions, we decided that we wanted to put our children’s needs above any and everything else.
Loren and John are much like oil and water; their personalities just do not mix. It works better for our family, if she and I do the majority of the communicating. It is not to say that she and John never parent together, because they absolutely do. As controlling and bossy as I can be, I know when I need to step back and let the people that created these little lives make a decision that they feel is best for the situation at hand.” - April
We are aware that our dynamic may not work for everyone. However, if you have found that you have tried every concept you can think of and none of them have worked, what do you have to lose?
That’s right, you have nothing left to lose, but you have a whole lot to gain.
You can find peace and sanity, you can build a bond with an unlikely ally, but most importantly…you can watch the spark in your child’s eyes return when they see that their family is uniting as one.
Remember, change starts with YOU!
You cannot control how someone behaves, but you can control the way in which you react.
Choose HAPPINESS!
Choose KINDNESS!
Choose to communicate in order to co-parent past the chaos!
