“Remain calm in every situation because peace equals power.”
– Joyce Meyer
In divorce, it is often our who children struggle the most. Their lives are disrupted, they go from home to home, and likely have completely different sets of rules and expectations in each house.
Adults that are going through a divorce will also have their own set of trials. However, unlike children, adults have a better-established set of coping mechanisms that children have not yet developed.
While it is not likely that after divorce, you and your ex will live in Unicorn Valley on Rainbow Avenue where everything is peaches and cream, you can choose to live a life without chaos.
Why is it impossible to put our differences aside for the sake of our children?
There is a simple answer to that question…we are stubborn creatures.
Always remember, your children did not choose divorce – you did.
Throughout time, we have watched divorce turn a beautiful and perfect wife into a ravenous monster and a once upon a time prince charming into a blood-sucking villain. Divorce can have that effect on people. Our emotions can get the best of us, causing us to do and say things we would not, under normal circumstances.
We believe the three most important aspects of creating a positive co-parenting relationship are COMPROMISE, COMMUNICATION, and CONSISTENCY.
When working to create a realistic parenting plan with your ex, undoubtedly both parties will be asked to give in on things that they were once steadfast and hell-bent on maintaining absolute power and control over. After all, if you continued the same schedule and routine as before, then it would not be a divorce. Learning to COMPROMISE with your ex-spouse will be of utmost importance in order to create a trusting and peaceful co-parenting relationship. Keep in mind that compromising is not doing any favors for your ex; it is doing a favor to your children.
Trust is a fickle beast; it takes so long to build it and only seconds to lose it.
Once trust has been removed from a relationship, it is hard to recover. The same goes for couples going through divorce and custody battles. Allowing yourself to compromise with your ex is essential in rebuilding the trust your co-parenting relationship requires to build a strong foundation. Try taking the first step, even if it feels uncomfortable and difficult.
The key to any good relationship is COMMUNICATION. There are several different styles of communication, and it is likely that you and your ex will not have the same one. It is extremely important to keep the lines of communication open during divorce and custody proceedings.
When your children observe their parents discussing situations in a calm and peaceful manner, it gives them the confidence they need to realize that they are still the most important people in their parent’s lives. It also shows them that their parents respect each other enough to have open lines of communicating in order to provide a sense of stability in their new and chaotic world.
It is common that one party or the other will not be on board or willing to have civilized conversations. We often carry over the hurt and pain we encountered in our marriage, long after it is over.
Everyone heals in a different way and at different times.
Be patient! Let your ex know that you are willing to communicate, although you understand they may not be ready. If you are the one that is not willing to open the lines of contact, do your best to remember that there are little people involved that rely on you. Swallow your pride and make the first move.
Divorce can get messy. As we said, you and your children’s lives have been rearranged immensely. Maintaining some form of CONSISTENCY is just as important for you as it is for your children. Your little ones are in the habit of seeing each parent equally. When possible, it is vital to keep this same routine for your sanity and theirs.
We understand that it may not always be feasible but keeping your children on the same schedule and routine in both homes is ideal. Children are much smarter than we give them credit for. Once they realize that they can misbehave with mom and have no repercussions with dad, and vice versa, that is when we begin creating manipulative little monsters. Keeping bedtimes, rules, and consequences for bad and good behaviors the same in both homes is essential for a child’s development.
“I am ashamed to admit that while going through my divorce and custody proceedings with my first husband, I did not handle things in a mature and reasonable fashion. I behaved like a mad woman, running around like a scalded ape in my attempts to make everyone around me as miserable and bitter as I was. Things did not turn out the way I expected; therefore, it gave me the justification I needed to make others pay for the pain I was experiencing.
Since I felt that the end of my marriage was not my fault, I demanded that Jerry do just as I said in absolutely every facet of our legal proceedings. For the most part, he entertained my ridiculous demands. There were only a few times that he refused to comply with my requests. I am so thankful that our children were young enough that they most likely do not remember the turmoil that surrounded their lives for the three years it took us to agree on a civil divorce.
The only good thing to come of my first divorce fiasco, is that it prepared me for the next time I would be faced with a similar situation. Thankfully, Roy and I realized early on that our children were more important than the issues between the two of us. We refused to allow them to witness the animosity that had occurred years prior between Jerry and me. There were times that both Roy and I were forced to give in and agree to something that we were not exactly thrilled about. There were also times that we had to take a break from speaking to each other in order to gather our composure.
Roy and I are not perfect, we do not have it all figured out, but we agree very strongly on one thing…we love our children more than anything else in this world. We also have an immense amount of respect for each other, and that will never change.” - April
What if we made a conscious effort to be kind and cooperative, and above all – avoid conflict?
There are some people in this world that you could offer one million dollars and they would still not want to or be able to take the high road. For those people, we must merely learn how to peacefully coexist. For the rest of us, we have the ability to change and not let history continue repeating itself.
During my divorce and custody battle, my sole emotion was anger. I felt I had been wronged in so many ways. ‘How could this man who I once shared a home and family with, shut me out and portray me as a monster?’ My ability to understand the “whys” ate at me every single day. It affected the way I parented, the way I connected with people, and the way I looked at myself as a woman. The feelings of justice not being served seeped through my being. In turn, I became an ugly shade of green, full of envy and rage.
When I started to peel back the layers of my injustice driven pride, I saw a strong empowered woman deep down that was waiting to come out. I wanted to show the world that NO ONE was ever going to have a power over me that affected who I was as a woman and a mother. The only purpose my anger had served me was a daily mindset of ‘woe is me’, and it held me back from being the mother I knew I was fully capable of being all along, regardless of anything else that was taken or done to me.
Simply put, I changed the way in which I looked at my divorce, and the game changed. This was not a loss, this was merely a setback that was needed in order to launch myself into a mindset of freedom and peace. In turn, my children thrived from having a mom who loved her battles and her enemies. That was a priceless lesson, that only I was able to give them. - Loren
We are responsible for the type of childhood our children endure and the type of environment they are raised in.
When faced with the option of revenge, getting even, and payback, make the decision to be the better person. Instead, think of what would be a better choice for your children and agree to compromise, communicate, and be consistent.
Above all things, choose happiness.
