I grew up a child and product of divorce.  In today’s society, divorce has become the norm. However, 30 years ago it was still considered taboo and a rather frowned upon “choice”.  In the case of my biological parents, it was the only option. My father and mother were married for only a few short years before they decided to divorce.  A decision that I can confidently say we are all grateful for. They dated in their very early 20’s for a brief time and found themselves pregnant with me. They quickly got married and 17 months later had my little brother.  Their relationship was rushed, volatile, and reached a point where lives were going to be imminently affected if they did not end things.

I was born to a single, teenage mother.  My mom is one of the strongest women I know and is responsible for molding me into the strong woman I am today!  My mom married my dad before I was two and gave birth to my amazing sister shortly after. The earliest childhood memory I can recall is around 4 years old.  My mom, dad, sister, and I lived in South Carolina. I started Kindergarten and finished first grade there.  Looking back, there are not very many happy memories I have during that time.

Your 20’s can be a scary and confusing time in life. You are unsure of what your future will look like or what you really want out of life. This is the decade of finding out who you are and who you hope to become. Some of us go to college right out of high school and have a concentration we are set on. Some of us will change our minds several times and maybe even change schools before landing the perfect fit. Some of us start our careers and gain life experience learning a trade or trying out different fields. Then, for some of us, marriage and starting a family come first. One thing I learned about this decade of life is there is no wrong or right order in which to do things.

I was stupid.  I was not enough.  I was unlovable and destined for this nightmare…Those are only a few things I would tell myself during my first marriage. I was a child-bride; not in the “my parents arranged my marriage to a much older man” kind of way.  It was in the “I was the OG Teen Mom so it was the right thing to do” scenario.  We can all laugh about it now because we know that it was not in God’s plan for my first husband and I to be each other’s forever.  We were meant to create two beautiful, amazing daughters, then run as far away from each other as humanly possible.

On a warm July night, we decided that we were going to celebrate Independence Day a little early.  Roy was being stationed in Japan and would not be home for the holiday.  As we began getting things set up for the big lights show, I was asked to knock on our neighbor’s door to provide them the common courtesy of letting them know what we were doing.  Being as painfully shy and introverted as I am, I reluctantly walked over and rang their doorbell.  They had barely been living next door to us for a month.  I had only seen them in passing and never formally introduced myself.  The woman, young and beautiful, seemed very full of energy and always had a smile on her face.  I would see her leave and return home, but that was the extent of my interaction. 

I never could have pictured you, because for me you were never supposed to exist. You were never in “our” happily ever after. When we said our vows, you were not in them. When our first child was born, you were not a part of this new creation. And when we moved into our first home, the memories we were going to make did not have you in them.

When I met your husband, he was broken…we both were.  At the time, we were not aware of the truly dark place we were in.  After a while, that brokenness rose to the surface.  He had an expectation for his life.  He imagined that he would be married to you, the mother of his children, for the rest of his life.  If that had been the case, I would not be writing this letter.  It was very hard for him to come back from the hurt that you both endured throughout your marriage. 

When I made the decision to leave our marriage, it was a decision that we had both come to mutually.   It made no sense for me to stay in a town where I knew no one and would not be able to find a career that would financially support myself and my children.   So, the only logical solution was for me to move home to Georgia. I dreaded that thought nearly as much as John did, but we had no choice. We needed to cut things off before they got worse.  Little did we know that they could get worse…and they were about to. 

Many say that money is the root of all evil.  I have a different opinion.  I strongly believe that the root of all evil lies in the expectations that we set for ourselves. It is not my belief that anyone gets married with the intention of anything other than forever, for always, no matter what.  I also do not believe that anyone is equipped with some magical crystal ball that can predict what the future holds.  People change. Paths are taken, and sometimes those paths do not lead down the same road.  My path has led me down a very bumpy road – a road filled with potholes and craters large enough to swallow a T-Rex in one gulp.  It is not to say that I wanted all the chaos that life handed me, but choices were made, and consequences were handed out. 

They say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…and scorned I was.
I had been scorned by a man not once, not twice, but what felt like a thousand times.  I always bit my tongue - to the best of my ability - and gave second chances out as if they were raffle tickets at the state fair.  Just when I thought I had hit a breaking point; I was faced with another mountain.  Not this time! No, this time I hit a breaking point of mental abuse that rattled my decently educated brain to the point of utter confusion.  Some days I would wake up and not even be able to tell you who I was or where I was at.  My world felt like a blur, nothing made sense.  I’ve never done hallucinogenic drugs, but I imagine an acid trip to be exactly like what I was feeling.

Have you ever heard the old saying, “Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see”?  That statement precisely depicted what was going on in my life.  I knew what I was living, yet everyone around me believed something entirely different.  I also knew exactly what I was seeing, yet perception is rarely ever reality.  Sometimes we only see what we want to see…

Some say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result each time.  Others believe it refers to a mental illness or madness.  For me, insanity was a state of mind, or the state of my life in this case…

Much of my childhood was spent in chaos.  There seemed to be more drama in our family than the soap operas I watched with Mamaw and Granny after school.  Nothing could have prepared me for the Hollywood movie scene I would be living during this time.  I prefer a very low-key existence.  I am rarely the center of attention, and I most definitely am not the type to enjoy the spotlight.  However, I was beginning to feel like my life was the center of an episode of “Punk’d”.  I kept waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out at any moment…sadly that never happened.

I carry a tremendous amount guilt for giving people more chances than they deserve.  I have always believed in the good in everyone, and everyone deserves a second chance. 

Why did I continue to give my husband chance after chance?  For what?  To prove he loved me?  Why did I need that to be proven to me?  That wasn’t fair to him.  He didn’t love me after all, so why was I expecting him to, suddenly?  

Our divorce happened so quickly that I barely had time to even comprehend the severity and finality of it all.  It took only a couple months to hear the judge hammer the gavel, sealing the fate of my old life. Within moments, a man who never truly felt “mine”, legally was no more.  I signed my name on our divorce papers that day, never again to see “Mr. and Mrs. Kirk” on anything thereafter. A weight did not just lift off my shoulders, it flew off.  I was 170 pounds lighter, and this freedom tasted better than anything my lips had ever touched.  

I knew we still had business to attend to as far as the custody of our boys went.  Deep down I felt as if he did not want to be an active father and would likely see them here and there when he had time.  After all, he had a new love interest and a new life to consume his happiness.  We were his old life, and I had come to terms with that.  I thought this might work out well, all things considered.  Perhaps he would be kinder to me, seeing as how he now had the life he always wanted.

Have you ever wished you could be a bird?  Imagine being able to open your wings and fly to your happiest place, whenever you feel the need. 

I prayed for God to make me a bird many times throughout my life.  During the next few months, I begged Him to take me…wherever He wanted me to go.

Letting go is one of the hardest things you will ever do, especially when you are letting go of something you imagined would last forever.  However, God must close the door to one chapter of your life in order to prepare you for a much bigger one.  I had no idea just how true that statement could be.

“There is no greater warrior than a mother protecting her child.”

Instinct and adrenaline rushed through me like lava.  They say the adrenaline that a mama has, when she is scared for her baby, could lift a car straight into the air.  Mine could have lifted an 18-wheeler. 

My ex-husband had crossed a line, which turned out to be the first of many to follow.  In complete crisis-aggression mode, I drove as fast as my car would go all the way to North Carolina.  I was going to get my babies back from this man, if it took my last breath.  How dare he call himself a father?  How dare he rip his sons from the only mother they have known?  Above all, how dare he try and replace me.  This was war. 

There is a song that says, “Every new beginning is some other beginning’s end.”  This was the season of new beginnings for me.  However, it was also the beginning of the end…the end of peace and life as I once knew it.

The police officer that came to our home, the Friday of the email, was very kind.  He advised us that once a call is made, they are obligated to do a health and welfare check on the children involved.  We explained the situation to him and let him know that we would like to tell the children that he was a friend of ours, and as a treat they could look inside his police car.  The officer was a former Marine and a single father, so he was happy to go along with our plan in order to make sure the boys were not frightened.  He shook John’s hand, told him to stay strong, and that he was proud of what he was doing.  He gave a quick Semper Fi and drove away.

I still remember the emotions I felt the moment I held each one of my sons for the very first time. 

Jackson, my oldest, made me a Mom.  It was love at first sight with that precious, 7lb 11oz baby boy, and I saw nothing but absolute perfection when we met.  My heart had never felt that kind of love before, and from that day forward the meaning of love was forever changed for me!

My sweet, baby Jagger finally made his entrance after nearly 10 weeks of labor and countless stays in the emergency room.  I worked so hard to keep him safe inside until the time was right. His chubby, 8lb 1oz self, melted my heart in ways I never could have imagined. 

My little fighter Jett made his landing on earth a month early and fought to overcome every obstacle he was born with.  That tiny, 6lb 12oz miracle expanded my love beyond anything I ever thought possible. 

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.”

That is just what we did; we hung on for dear life.  Every shred of the rope was another ounce of sanity gone.  John and I never lost hope, but we were certainly prepared to accept disappointment.  Knowing that these struggles were preparing us for much better times, we continued to pray and ask God for guidance and reassurance.  There were, however, times that we did not think we had the strength to survive the challenges we were facing.  After all, God does not give us more than we can handle.  He must have thought we encompassed extreme superpowers.

My world had been shattered into a thousand pieces.  Sure, my heart had been broken by men before, but this…this was a heartbreak like no other.  This hurt a depth of my soul I never knew existed.  The pain of being erased from my babies’ lives was unbearable. 

No order was given on the day of our trial; therefore, I had no idea when I would see my little humans again.  The unknown left a pit in my stomach that ached with a vengeance. 

Fight or flight was all I knew.

“Sometimes we fight not because we hate what is in front of us, but because we love what is behind us.”

After the court hearing that granted John full custody of his boys, our lives were suddenly more hectic than they had been.  We quickly hired an amazing nanny, since John and I both worked full time, and spent a few days getting the house ready for three additional boys.  On the trial date, the judge had given no solid schedule for how John and Loren were to split their time with the boys.  Both attorneys were able to draft an order stating that the boys would continue to alternate households every two weeks throughout the summer.  Once summer was over, the boys would begin living with John full time, just three days before the new school year began.

“It doesn’t get easier.  You just get stronger.”

I’m not sure of the expectations I had for co-parenting our sons, but any idea I did have was quickly dimming.  Every notification from court or my attorney was a dagger that started to slowly kill a piece of me.  In fact, I began to go numb entirely and remember thinking at times how much easier it would be if I were to just give up altogether. 

“Living a life full of happiness is the best type of revenge.  Once someone realizes that they cannot ruin your happiness, they lose their power.”

 I knew if I did not follow my heart, I would spend the rest of my life with regret and wishing I had.  I had fallen in love with John and the life that I imagined we would have together.  Of course, I wanted to marry him.  We had been drawn together like a moth to a flame.  There was only one problem that was deterring me from signing that marriage contract…he was potentially still married to his ex-wife. 

“Never think that what you have to offer is insignificant. There will always be someone out there that needs what you have to give.”

For a moment in time, my world seemed to be brighter than I had ever seen it.  The light that had died at the end of my tunnel got a new shiny bulb.  I could see again, and I could feel myself begin to soften. 

“Every good gift, every perfect gift, comes from above.  These gifts come down from the Father, the creator of the heavenly lights, in whose character there is no change at all.”

-James 1:17 (CEB)

 I had spent so much of my life trying to be the person I was supposed to be instead of just being the person I wanted to be. I accepted so many things that I did not deserve and was too afraid to go after what I knew I was worthy of.

“A Mom is she who can take the place of all others, but who’s place no one else can take.”

Before I had babies, I had no idea exactly what motherhood entailed, nor did I ever imagine that I would be qualified enough to take care of little lives.

When I became a Mom for the first time, the name "Mom" immediately felt as if it fit me more than anything else I had ever been called. It was as if the calling and purpose for my life had always been to be a mom.

“You’re always going to wonder if you’re doing things wrong, but that’s what it means to be a mom, to care so much about someone else that you just want to be as perfect as possible.”

-Naya Rivera

My earliest childhood memory of the plans I made for my future self, included being a mother.  The expectations I set for the type of mother I would be were extremely high.  Like most things in my life, I wanted to be perfect at it.  I took several ideas from the way my mother raised me, as well as a few different and creative concepts.  It is only natural, in my opinion, to want the very best for your children.  I wanted to make sure they had everything I did not have in my own childhood.

“One of the toughest decisions you’ll ever make is whether to try harder or walk away.”

Dating after divorce can be scary.  For me, it turned out to be mostly weird, mixed with some lessons I had clearly not mastered nor paid attention to in my 20s.  So, in typical stubborn Loren, fashion I had to learn the hard way.  

In walks Loren’s late life lesson.

“You may not always understand why God allows certain things to happen, but you can be certain that God is not making any mistakes.”

Have you ever wanted something so bad, but deep in your heart you felt it could never happen?  That is exactly how I felt about reaching a positive co-parenting relationship between John and Loren.  It seemed the harder I tried to forge an alliance, the worse it became.  It was always one step forward and twelve steps back.

“Strong women don’t play victim, don’t make themselves look pitiful, and don’t point fingers.  They stand and they deal.” 

 I was certain I had hit my cap when it came to the amount of bullets I was able to withstand from my co-parent.  My simple mind could not fathom that there could possibly be anymore ammo they could shoot my way.  Ah, but how wrong I was.  I began to realize that these hits towards me were meant for one reason, and one reason only:  to break me

“Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can.”

A meeting of the minds was our next attempt at an effort to make peace. Typically, a double date would seem like an excellent idea. A double date with my ex-husband, his new wife, and my very new beau, however, was not exactly the “good time” that I had in mind. Much like all of our interactions, the tension was as thick as my mama’s cornbread, and even a burning shot of whiskey didn’t seem to calm my nerves. 

Sometimes the blessings are not always in what God gives…but in what He takes away.”

During our child custody case, John and I had attempted to reach out to Loren several times in hopes of creating a peace treaty.  If I am being completely honest, it was more of me reaching out than him.  It is not that John wanted the chaos to continue, he just does not possess the same communication skills that I do.

To my son, Jack - 

“From the moment I held you in my arms for the first time, I knew I was holding the greatest love of my life.  As my greatest love, I vowed to love and protect you until my last breath.”

Motherhood has posed new challenges that I could have never foreseen.  As mothers, we prepare ourselves, mostly our hearts, for the day our children will leave the nest and spread their wings. 

There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind. – C.S Lewis

Throughout the past two years, John and I had gone back and forth with Loren on several occasions.  For a short time, things seemed like they would get better.  However, just when we got accustomed to one way of thinking, the relationship would hit a new low.  After the final meeting in our home, I felt a glimmer of hope that looked like nothing I had witnessed previously.

“You don’t lose a good man. You lose a man who’s not good for you.”

The August heat beat down on our little town well into the early days of September. If you grew up on the east coast, you are well aware that between the months of May and September, Mother Nature will often show her power by bringing ashore her wet tornadoes. This time of year was known as hurricane season, and the predictability of a hurricane’s path was about as accurate as my ability to navigate my own life.