“She was fragile, but her spirit was strong. When she decided not to give up on herself, her wings appeared.”
Everyone experiences fear at some point in their lives. It could be something simple or even something catastrophic. What is your deepest, darkest fear? Is it spiders?
Perhaps, it is something much deeper, like death. Maybe it is as simple as the fear of being alone.
Alone...
So many of us have an underlying fear of being alone. After divorce that concern may even feel like an overwhelming flood that is full of self-doubt, insecurity, and emptiness. The desire to cling to the warmth of anyone that shows you any sort of attention can become intoxicating.
Going through a divorce can bring to the surface so many insecurities, even some we never knew existed within us. A divorce, simply stated, is the termination of a relationship. The mere thought of someone ‘terminating’ you can deflate even the largest of egos. It is like being the last one picked for dodgeball in middle school P.E. class. However, not only are you last, you are not chosen at all.
“I will be the first to admit that I absolutely jumped at the chance to have someone else do the fixing of my broken pieces. I thought, ‘This is great! He just came right in and I’m all better now!’
Wrong!
Instead, the deeper I got into my first relationship after divorce, I began to discover even more cracks in my foundation than I had realized. This turned out to be disastrous in every relationship I tried to pursue.
‘So, what gives,’ I thought. ‘What is wrong with me?’ Well, I went back to the drawing board, back to the basics, if you will. I picked apart every ounce of my flaws and character. I started by tweaking little things that I had noticed I had become complacent on. I altered my way of thinking, and in turn my way of communicating with those around me.
I took an entire year of relearning, Loren! I wanted to learn who she was, who she wanted to be, what she wanted out of life, and what she was going to accept moving forward. Every day I evaluated my behavior and my mindset. If I saw something I didn’t like, I changed it or spoke up. If I said something that I questioned, I pursued the ‘why’ behind it.
My advice to any woman after divorce: take your time. That’s what it is, YOUR time. Spoil yourself and your soul. Your future self will be so grateful.
There is not a man on this planet that will squeeze you tight enough to mend all the broken pieces. You, and only you, hold the glue to your repair.” – Loren
Why do we feel such a strong pull towards needing to be wanted?
The answer may surprise you.
One reason we often feel the need to be in a relationship is because we have not learned to accept a piece of ourselves that has once been temporarily filled by another person. Flaws, insecurities, and egos are sometimes smoothed out by a partner, and when that partner leaves, the space is left void once again.
Being alone gives us time to think about the things we suppress when we are too busy giving our best to those around us.
No one enjoys acknowledging their deep-rooted insecurities. When we are by ourselves, that is the perfect time for those doubts to rear their ugly heads. So how do you fill the void?
What is the magic formula for teaching our minds that being alone can be healthy and beneficial to our minds and bodies?
We are here to tell you that the void can only be filled by one person. In addition, the answer is quite simple…YOU!
You and only you, hold the power to fuse and mend your empty pieces. Let us make it clear – YOU! There is no man, or woman, that has the power to mend your emptiness. Until you understand and believe that wholeheartedly, you will never truly be happy.
“After the end of my first marriage, I immediately began looking for something or someone to fill the emptiness left in my heart. I immersed myself in my work. I surrounded myself with friends. I focused all my time and attention into my children, but even they became exhausted with needing to entertain me constantly.
No matter what I tried to do, it was impossible to escape the pain and hurt. I began to withdraw from everything and everyone. My friends offered to help, but I pushed them away. I was too ashamed to let my family know what a failure I had become, even though my attempts at hiding it were causing me to sink deeper into my rabbit hole.
I wanted so badly to be normal again, and I knew what I had to do to get there. However, no matter how hard I tried, I just could not regain my happiness.
I prayed for God to bring me a man that would solve all my problems. I waited very impatiently for ‘Mr. Fix It’ to arrive, but sadly God sent no one.
I was so angry. It seemed that God was ignoring me.
As I lay sprawled across my bed, drowning in my own tears, I realized something. God had sent me just what I needed…ME. God allowed me to be alone in order to repair what was broken. I needed to believe in myself once again and truly understand that I was enough.
I did not need a job, a friend, or a spouse to determine my worth. All I needed was to learn that I was a strong, independent woman that should never rely on any person or thing to decide my happiness.
Once I realized that I was the only one in control of my feelings and my happiness, I was able to live the life I deserved. That life did not involve apologies for what I wanted or needed. It did not require explanations for what I knew I deserved. That life was the one I appreciated and promised God I would live to the fullest.
Was everything perfect for me after that? Of course not.
Life will never be perfect, but that is what makes it exciting. There will always be obstacles and challenges. They are placed in your life to show you just how strong you really are.” - April
Being alone is not something we should fear.
Being by ourselves allows us the opportunity to grow. It allows us to develop in areas of our lives that need the most help.
Do not be so quick to jump into a new relationship as soon as the old one is over.
Take the time to heal and figure out the lesson that God wants to teach you from the situation.
Start a new hobby.
Join a gym.
Practice more self-care.
Date yourself.
Learn what exactly YOU want, before allowing someone else to attempt to figure it out.
Most importantly – enjoy life!
