“It takes someone really brave to be a mother, someone strong to raise a child, and someone special to love a person more than she loves herself.”
It has been said many times before that divorce is like death; both need to be grieved. One of the major differences in the two is that in death, people expect and almost force you to grieve. However with divorce, people often do not understand the grieving process. The truth is, there is no right or wrong way, and there is no time limit on how long you must wait before you heal after divorce. We all handle things differently, and mourning a divorce is no different.
Do you remember your first middle school or high school relationship? When it ended, you were likely devastated. You probably listened to that mixtape that your beau made for you and reminisced your love while ‘your song’ played, and you tried to smell his letterman jacket to get one last whiff of his cologne. Maybe you were the opposite. Maybe you burned that mixtape, sliced his jacket to shreds, and told all the other girls in third period how much of a rat he was.
It doesn’t matter how you handle a breakup, as long as you are able to get through it, heal, and move on.
Fast forward to adulthood. Relationships become a little more complicated. Breakups do not go as well as they once did, especially when you add in a couple of children, a mortgage, two cars, and a dog. Before you can even get to the division of assets, you must first mourn the ending of the marriage.
Is there a time limit?
What is the sequence of events?
Has anyone found the rule book?
The truth is, there is no time limit, you will have no idea what to do and when to do it, and there is only one rule to follow…SURVIVE!
It pains me to admit this; I am ashamed and embarrassed, and very few people know the truth about the state of my mental health during my first divorce. My stomach ached, my head hurt, my eyes, my fingers, my nose, my teeth, and even my toenails hurt. Everything in me hurt.
All I wanted to do was sleep. I pushed everyone that I cared about and that cared about me away. My phone went unanswered, and my house became a reflection of my life – extremely messy!
I did the bare minimum to merely make it through each day. There were times I did not think I could go on another day, and there were times I did not want to. The only reason I slithered out of the bed and onto the couch was because there were two little brown eyed girls that depended on me. I was still responsible for feeding them, caring for them, and loving them.
On the divorce diet, I lost nearly forty pounds. I was a walking skeleton; a zombie roaming among other functioning members of society. I could not imagine what I had done to deserve what was happening to me. Why was I unlovable? Why was the man I loved so much suddenly abandoning me? What could I do to make him want to be with me, with our children? Most importantly, how was I going to snap out of my extreme funk?
Sadly, there was no special potion, no magic words, and there was no one that was going to swoop in and save the day. The only thing that could fix me, was my faith and God. -April
Parenting through loss and heartbreak feels like the constant carry of a thousand bricks.
It is an impossible feat, yet no one around you seems to notice the giant burden you are struggling to carry, let alone is anyone aware of your desire to barely push on. There is, however, one secret that is only learned in the most difficult times. That is, you are stronger than you could ever imagine.
After divorce, we are left to pick up the pieces of our lives that remain, while simultaneously holding it all together. We are expected to continue to wear a smile, keep a tidy home, excel in our careers, and oftentimes, single handedly parent the blessings born from our disheveled marriages.
Each day, the next harder than the last, it is our responsibility to maintain a single shred of dignity and normalcy.
What do we really want to do?
We want to slash the tires of our ex, break the fine china that we received as a wedding gift, and burn our wedding gowns in protest.
What do we actually do?
We smile as if we are not dying inside, laugh as we fight back the tears, and sew sequences on the tutu that little Suzy needs for her dance recital.
As moms, we hold it together, while our worlds are falling apart at the seams. That is great, but we also have to realize that it is acceptable to have a bad day. It is ok to scream and cuss a little. It is fine to be angry and cry and drink the wine, and make the frozen pizza.
We have to understand that we are human, and we are allowed to be imperfect.
I lied there in a bed I once shared with a man I loved more than anything, and yet now all that lingered in the spot he once laid was the scent of him on a pillow beside me. The same pillow I had not washed in months because the finality of it all was something I could not seem to come to terms with.
I could hear little voices on the other side of the house, and I knew they needed me to get out of bed and make them breakfast. Oh, but everything just hurt. My hair, my eyelids, my bones, my every ounce of being just radiated in the pain of heartbreak.
I thought to myself, “how on earth am I supposed to get up and care for these small people when my only wish before I laid my head on the pillow the night before was that I would not open my eyes in the morning”. -Loren
Loneliness can be the most debilitating feeling in the entire world, and yet with what tiny muster you have left, you are forced to peel yourself off the floor each day. Slowly, days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months, and the pain starts to fade away. Sometimes, you can forget what the pain felt like. That is when you realize, had those tiny humans not needed your every breath, you may not have survived.
Perhaps your depression and solitude could have consumed you completely. Yet, something much greater was in store for you. God had a bigger and better plan for your life.
It is in that moment you realize, that while parenting through heartbreak could have been the most difficult task you have ever met, it may have also been the task that kept you alive and determined to find your inner strength.
