“Don’t let insecure thoughts ruin something amazing!”
Read that again. And again. And again.
Do us a favor and repeat that quote to yourself daily.
Throughout your life, the feeling of jealousy will be inevitable at some point. Remember that time in high school when you were jealous that Suzy was talking to Johnny? Suzy knew that you liked Johnny, but she made her move before you had the chance. You were forced to watch the two of them walk the halls, hand-in-hand.
Jealousy was brooding inside you. Your life was literally O-V-E-R!
Do you also remember that a short time later, Johnny started two-timing Suzy?
There was nothing to be jealous of anymore; looks like you dodged that bullet!
Oh jealousy…that nasty word.
Honestly, we should try to avoid using it in our daily lives. It truly is the root of evil. It is the comparison of joy, which in turn robs us of having personal happiness and growth.
Take a moment to think of the people you have been envious of.
Think about the things that are perhaps going on in their own lives.
You may find that they are not as glamorous as you once thought.
Do you see the commonality? We all have issues, insecurities, and unrealistic expectations. The woman you are jealous of for her beauty, may in fact be a lonely person and suffer from anxiety that she lets no one else see.
“My envy towards April, I’ll be honest, I still have from time to time. She is beautiful. She has a flawless home, a wonderful marriage, and the life I so thought I would have. Seeing her beside my once-upon-a-time-husband, living in the house right next door to the home of my dreams that I once shared with the family I created, was painful beyond words. The green-eyed monster aka Jealousy arose in my soul often when I was going through my divorce and custody battle.
Why am I not good enough for him?
What does she have that I don’t in order for him to love her over me?
I want their life! I want that kind of love!
Oh, what bitterness that bred in me! I was miserable. The misery I felt however, was visible on my face and could be felt it in my energy.
It was not until I started purposely being happy with things in my own life, that I was able to combat the evil monster of envy.
I am so happy for my clean laundry today.
I am so happy I am able to buy a car this month.
I am so happy I have so many people who love me!
For every negative thought that would creep in, I would fight it with three positive thoughts. And then repeat for all of history. Eventually, it became second nature to not only be happy for my own life, but to also feel happiness for April and the things I was once jealous of about her. She deserves all of the beauty life has brought her! Why not cheer them on for her too?
You go girl! You deserve it all! And so, do I!” – Loren
Jealousy is often the emotion at the epicenter of our deficient co-parenting relationship.
Being the second (or third) wife can be brutal on your self-confidence. It can be detrimental to the success of your marriage.
We beat ourselves up and wear ourselves down trying to compare our lives and our bodies and our actions to those of the previous wife.
Why? Clearly, if the man you are married to wanted to be with a woman who was exactly like his previous wife, he could have very well have stayed married to her.
“Before marrying John, I had never been a second wife. I was the first wife; I had always been the ‘starter wife’ in my previous marriages. It was so easy for me to look at Loren and wish I was that beautiful. I often wondered if John had been on drugs when he fell in love with me. Was he high? Was he well?
What made him decide to stop loving her and start loving me?
It took me a while to realize that, SURPRISE – marriages are based off of so much more than looks. As silly as that sounds, I already knew that. However, it became harder for me to understand or believe that I was enough.
I sat down with myself and dug very deep into my soul, trying so hard to find the things about myself that I could change in order for my husband to love me as much as he loved his ex-wife.
I knew that he and I would never have the bond that he and Loren had once shared. Afterall, they created life together, and it does not get any deeper than that. That was the hardest pill to swallow.
Not only was she gorgeous, but she had given him something that I would never be able to give him.
I refused to let that jealousy defeat me. I was determined to find our own unbreakable bond. I would make sure that John and I had a strong marriage, full of love and joy…sans jealousy.
When I stopped comparing myself to Loren and stopped comparing our marriage to theirs, things started to make more sense. I brought my own strengths to our relationship. I was pretty in my own way, I was funny, I was intelligent, and I was ME. John chose to love me, and I chose to love him. Our marriage meant something. We were building a foundation outside of raising children together. We were creating a family…a big, beautiful, blended family.” - April
So, how do we combat the feeling of jealousy, as the woman who is not the first wife?
We believe there are three very important ways to do so.
First, you must KNOW YOUR WORTH.
As women, we need to be confident in what we bring to the table.
We all have positive attributes, so start owning them!
Do not compare yourself, your accomplishments, and your successes to anyone else. Believe in yourself and know that you are enough.
You are a queen, you are fabulous, and you are unstoppable!
Second, BE HONEST.
Do not be afraid to tell your significant other how you feel.
Let your spouse know that you are feeling a tinge of jealousy about his/her previous marriage.
Allow your significant other to reassure you that they chose you because you are you and not because they were looking for an exact replica of their ex.
Third, LET IT GO.
It is just that simple! Banish your insecurities and let the jealousy go.
Focus on the good, not the bad. Appreciate the positive and ignore the negative. If your spouse wanted to be married to their ex, they would still be in that relationship. Focus on YOUR happiness. Live in the now, and let the past stay exactly where it belongs.
It is ok to strive to be a better person, but do not work hard and focus on trying to be someone else’s person.
Be your own person.
Sure, we may want the body of a model, the brain of a chemist, and the financial status of a millionaire. Appreciate your own beauty. Read more books to strengthen your mind. Save your money and spend it wisely.
Instead of putting energy into being jealous of someone, take that energy and apply it to being a better version of yourself.
Jealousy is a sickness.
