“An amazing marriage begins when a couple decides to stop fighting against each other and start fighting for each other.”
There are several aspects that can affect a marriage or relationship.
Often, we allow outside entities to creep in and negatively impact the life we are trying to build with another person. As we have mentioned previously, traditional marriages begin with two people that love each other and have the desire to constitute a wonderful life and bright future with each other.
When you marry a person that has already been down that path and brings to the relationship the worst parts of his or her previous marriage, the road that leads to a long and successful marriage can be filled with several potholes, roadblocks, and concrete barriers. This can make an already challenging journey feel almost impossible to navigate.
“It pains me to admit that I have learned most of ‘what not to do’ through my life experiences. What is even more painful, is the fact that I am able to give marital advice because I have had three marriages.
Before John and I got married, I made a promise to myself. I vowed not only to love him forever, for always, no matter what – more importantly I vowed that John would be the last man I marry. I thought, if I haven’t figured it out by the third try, it is not meant for me to understand.
We took several precautions before the big day, but nothing could have prepared us for the whirlwind we would face before the ink even dried on our marriage license.
Attempting to co-parent while going through a horrible custody battle was like being stung by a thousand bees at once.
Surviving each day took a lot of patience. I had to constantly remind myself that, “this too shall pass”. Tomorrow brought a new set of worries that did not allow me to think about yesterday’s troubles. I learned to be patient with myself, but more importantly with my new husband. We were both navigating new territory, and while it would have been so easy to blame him for the pain I was enduring, it was not completely his fault.
I had to remind myself that we were a team, and while I could not get through it alone, he and I were a force when we were together. Just as he was there to pick me up when I fell short, I had to do the same for him. Knowing that we could count on each other during some of the most difficult times in our lives is what made our marriage as strong as it is today.” - April
In our situation, there are two types of family dynamics involved.
We have the nuclear family and the blended family. This requires us to work even harder to forge an unbreakable bond and union with our significant other. When someone enters into a traditional marriage, the story reads something like this: “First comes love, second comes marriage, then comes the baby carriage”. For others, the marriage comes equipped with several baby carriages, some debt, a few therapists, a dab of mental instability, and a pull-behind trailer full of exes, attorneys, and court dates.
“I’ll own up right now and say that I am not one to give relationship advice. Clearly, after two marriages and divorces, I am not exactly an expert on the matter! However, I can say I have numerous skills in tumultuous relationship milestones, and the issues that arise to aggravate those difficult times even further. Whether it is infidelity, emotional abuse, or outside triggers picking at your relationship, I have been there, done that, bought the divorce decrees to prove it!
One thing I have mastered from my misfortunes, is the mindset of forgiveness and patience. Obvious, right? Well not really. I had to learn to accept that it was ok to forgive myself first, in those difficult times because it enabled me to see the human error in both myself and my partner. By forgiving myself for my reaction or my frustration, I was able to be more understandable with my partner.
I knew that the anger and hurt I was feeling while going through my divorce and custody battle came out on others around me, especially when I attempted to move on and begin dating. I had a hard time separating my anger from my co-parenting world with the world I was trying to share with someone new. It was also difficult separating our disagreements without deflection of my issues with my ex-husband. This caused so much distance between myself and anyone else, that it truly was the sole reason I remained single most of the time.” - Loren
Being that we have deemed ourselves experts on divorce and co-parenting (mainly because we have been married and divorced so many times and have a slew of children), we want to share with you three things that we feel are important to consider when attempting to navigate your new relationship while actively co-parenting in a not-so-peaceful situation.
Keep calm and drink the wine.
Maybe more of the calm and less of the wine, but you get the idea. We have said it before and will likely say it many more times – every action does not deserve a reaction. With most divorced couples, the ex knows exactly what to say and do to push your buttons. It is probably the reason they are an ex; they pushed a little more than your buttons.
When communicating with your ex, remain calm and collected. Do not take out the frustrations you have with someone else on the person that is trying their best to love you during your worst. Take a bath, take a breath, and take a break!
Leave the past where it belongs.
It is extremely important not to bring your previous relationship into your new one. By that, we mean that you should not let the mistakes that were made in your prior marriage affect your current one.
Begin your new relationship with a clean slate. If you were cheated on or mistreated by your ex, do not assume the same will be true for your new relationship. Choosing to live in the past is only setting you up for failure. Do yourself a favor and focus on the now.
Your marriage should win the race.
Other than your relationship with God, nothing or no one should come before your marriage. Of course, we love our children, and as parents it is our job to support and care for them. Part of that support is providing a loving and stable family for them.
If you do not have a strong marriage, how will you be able to create a stable family home for your children? The answer is simple – you cannot! If we do not cherish and fertilize our marriage, it will not flourish and blossom. Therefore, making time that is strictly for you and your spouse is extremely important. Your spouse should get the best of you, not what’s left of you.
There’s an old saying that goes something like this – anything worth having will not come for free.
The same can be said about marriage and relationships. Everything in life has a price tag, and you get what you pay for. If you place a dollar store sticker on your marriage, that is exactly what you will get.
Invest in what matters.
Focus on what is important.
If you want a relationship that will stand the test of time, you must be willing to spare no expense.
