“Keeping a calm mind during a difficult situation is the best defense against a difficult person.”
If you are anything like us, we attempt to dissect every issue we have. In doing so, we are often quick to diagnose those involved in or the ones that are the cause of our problems.
Is it really up to us to decide what is ‘wrong’ with another person?
Are we qualified to place a label on someone, simply because they do not think, act, or speak the way we do? Can we departmentalize a person because they handle a situation differently than we would?
The short answer to those questions – NO. While we are college educated with degrees in hand, the only master’s we have is in life lessons from the school of hard knocks.
With that being said, we have done enough research and had the right amount of therapy to make us believe we are qualified enough to give our opinion on a topic that so many others have touched on before us.
In no way are we insinuating that any of our pervious husbands or fathers of our children are a narcissist. We are simply discussing a topic that is highly relevant today.
We all have quirks, idiosyncrasies, and ‘issues’, if you will.
Those do not always equate to a personality disorder but can certainly mimic some of the same symptoms. If you really break it down, we could all diagnose ourselves with one thing or another.
The Mayo Clinic has this to say about narcissistic personality disorder:
It is one of several types of personality disorders; a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
tHere are five tips we feel are important to consider when co-parenting with a narcissist.
Understand how the narcissist thinks.
A narcissist often has a very exaggerated sense of entitlement. They are incapable of recognizing the feelings and emotions of others. They are driven by ego and are often considered to be conceited and pretentious.
In the co-parenting dynamic, this could mean that the parent suffering from this disorder would assume that they are the most important person in the situation.
Do not feed into the narcissists’ antics.
A narcissist will manipulate the emotions of others in order to seek validation or reaction. In co-parenting, an example of this can be when one parent insults the parenting style of the other in order to get a rise out of that person.
By reacting in frustration or defense, you are in fact feeding into the narcissist and giving them power they were seeking.
Do not retaliate.
It is pertinent that you not aim to get even with the narcissist. Starve them. Remember that no reaction is a reaction. For a narcissist this is a confusing tactic which defuses their ego. They are powerless without a reaction from others.
Control what you can.
Stay in your own lane. Co-parenting with a narcissist can be frustrating at times. As an empath, you are eager to help or try to get through to your co-parent. Stop! YOU cannot change a narcissist. You’re not a martyr, take a step back and learn to control what you are able to...which is you!
You have the ability and tools to maintain your emotions and reactions, in order to diffuse any confrontation you and your co-parent will have.
Keep the relationship all business.
Stick to the task at hand – raising your children. There is no need to discuss any other aspects of the past relationship you shared with your ex. That is irrelevant to the situation. What is most important is allowing your children to have equal time with both parents and to show them that their parents love them enough to get along.
Discuss only what needs to be discussed and save the rest for another time.
“As the child of a someone I deemed a narcissist from a very young age, I can say that my experience elevated me to a heightened sense of awareness to the behavior of others. My father had a way of controlling a situation by any means necessary. I was always wrong, and he was always right. His expectations for me turned out to be manipulation tactics to get me to do what he wanted that would in some way only benefit him or make him “proud” to be my father.
His control carried over into my adult life, yet so did my struggle to always please him. I always sought for the acceptance that I beg and to realize I would never get. Why? Because to my father, I was not human. I was merely an item of ownership that he felt he could control. No amount of success on my part was ever going to gain his love. Instead, I spent my life running an endless marathon of let downs, paranoia, and heartbreak.
Now let me tell you the long-term damage that does to a woman...it sets her up for failure in nearly every relationship she will have. She will forever make excuses for emotional abuse revived, disappointments will be brushed aside, and the true definition of unconditional love will never be truly understood.” -Anonymous
Having an ex-spouse that demonstrates narcissistic behavior, can have lasting effects.
It not only affects you, the adult, it can prohibit a child from ever knowing the meaning of a healthy relationship. Taking into consideration the five tips we have provided can help transition you into a smooth co-parenting relationship, when dealing with a narcissist.
Remember that there is no cure for this disorder.
However, with the right amount of therapy, hard work, and dedication, you and the narcissist can forge a healthy and positive co-parenting relationship.
