“The hardest part of being a parent is watching a child go through something really difficult and not being able to fix it for them.”
Parenting is a challenge no matter which way you look at it! In a nuclear family, raising children can be a source of tension if the parents are unable to mutually agree on each aspect of the parenting plan.
What if you have a child that exceeds those normal challenges?
There is an underlying anxiety that naturally derives when sending your child off to stay with the other biological parent, but when you have a child that you know is uniquely challenging, that anxiety and worry can skyrocket.
“How will their step-parent handle his/her attitude or tantrums?”
“Will they be able to have patience with my child?”
“How will my child cope without me during those tough moments?”
Jack is our challenging child. Divorce, separation, and interruption from his normal routine, turned his world upside down and inside out. He was unable to find a way to cope without giant outbursts, methodical bouts of manipulation, and outright tantrums that would shock most.
We went through years of bed wetting, tantrums that resulted in broken window screens, holes in walls, and his inability to tell the truth.
“From the moment I met Jack, he and I had an instant connection. In the beginning of our co-parenting relationship, communication between homes was non-existent.
This was the perfect opening for a child to use the parents against one another. The animosity that existed amongst us was blinding to the true cause of Jack’s behavior.
I noticed that Jack was different from any child I had ever parented very early on. My strong personality was quick to accept the challenge of correcting the negative behavior. However, I soon learned that I was being outsmarted by this child. He was good, really good, and manipulating the situation. He told each parent exactly what he felt they needed and wanted to hear.
I am stubborn, but I also know when to admit defeat. As the stepparent, it was extremely difficult for me to voice my concerns and advice to John, and nearly impossible to do so with Loren – just because we did not have that type of relationship at that time. When I got the nerve to express my concern to John, he was very understanding. He agreed that we needed to take action now if we wanted Jackson to have a successful childhood.
He and I were already in therapy, so when we mentioned our concerns to the therapist, she suggested that Jack begin therapy as well. John reached out to Loren regarding the idea, and she was initially against it.
Jack began therapy and the things that were brought up caused an even bigger strain on our co-parenting relationship. However, once we all realized that us coming together was the best solution to correcting Jack’s behavior, that is when the real successes began taking place.
Throughout all the chaos surrounding Jackson’s behavior, there were times that I felt so defeated. I questioned my ability to even be a parent. I questioned my sanity. I cried so many ugly tears. Sometimes those tears were from frustration, other times they were out of sadness. I wanted so badly to help this child. He was so loving and smart and amazing…and challenging.
Once we put our differences aside and focused on what was most important, things began to take a turn for the best. There was finally light at the end of the dark tunnel.
Jack can still be a challenge at times, but what is different now is that we are all on the same page. We are a team, and together we can conquer any obstacle that life throws at us. More importantly, Jack can see that we all work together. That is the true antidote!” - April
The fact that we were unable to come to an agreement on what we felt was the best avenue to take with Jack, lessened our ability to co-parent to the best worth of our child.
We were never on the same page with what our child truly needed. As tensions amongst the parents thickened, so did the cloudiness of our parenting ability.
“It wasn’t until we all got on the same page and began swapping similarities of the issues we were having in our own individual homes with Jack, that we realized he was playing the system and acting out in a way that was as clear as day had we only gotten out of our own way to see it. Our son was hurting. He was crying out and needed us to work together to manage his insecurities and anger.
For me, I saw therapy as an overstep of my motherhood. I knew my child better than anyone else. I knew why he was acting out, and why he was misbehaving. I did not need a therapist to tell me that. And if attorneys, judges, and law enforcement were not able to unite his father and I on civil terms, then separating a child from his mother was not going to be the magical answer either.
Therapy sessions soon turned into a tactic to combat which parent was better than the next, and to allow a person to speak on the behalf of my child in a courtroom. No, what our child needed the most was to see his parents agreeing and respecting one another, not trying to separate him and validate certain misbehavior yet punish others. Needless to say, having a “professional” come in was one of the most detrimental things I felt happened during that time. Her opinions, I admit, fell on deaf ears when she gave her advice on punishment or time spent with my son.
I knew I had a handful given to me the day the doctor placed that baby on my chest. It was an adventure ever since. Add in a heartbreak, separation of home, and an attempt at parental alienation...and yes, I would say you have the perfect recipe for a difficult child becoming near impossible.” - Loren
We have all spent a lot of energy and time in managing Jack’s outbursts and behavior, and at times it has taken more than two parents.
Sometimes when children misbehave and act out, they are trying to explain something that they cannot quite put into words. This is where we, as parents, have to truly dissect the problem to its core.
This is when it is vital that we all come together as one – mom, dad, stepmom, stepdad – and support each other through the challenging road called parenthood.
Little minds cannot express big emotions the same way adults are able to.
Put your pride aside.
Leave your anger out of the equation.
Focus on the most important aspect of your co-parenting relationship, and love your children more than you hate your ex.
