“We cannot go back and make a brand-new start, but we can start now and make a brand-new ending.”
Addiction is scary.
It is not prejudice.
It does not ask permission, yet it can enter your home at any given time. It has the potential destroy you and your loved ones.
Many believe addiction is a disease, others believe it is a choice.
Throughout our lives, addiction has reared its ugly head in both our families. We have watched people that we love so dearly battle this horrible monster. We have seen what it has done to them as we sadly witnessed the destruction it left behind.
Some addicts are born into it, meaning they are a product of their environment. In other instances, bad life choices can lead to addiction. Children often repeat behaviors of the parents that raise them
What if your addiction began as a way to cope with the pain from an accident or serious medical condition?
What if you grew up watching your parents live with addiction?
According to centeronaddiction.org, there are 40 million Americans that suffer from some form of addiction.
People can experience an addiction to sex or nicotine, which to most seems minute compared to the severity of an addiction to prescription drugs or cocaine.
Co-parenting with an addict can be an extremely difficult task.
It can prove both mentally and physically exhausting. While we do not have co-parents that suffer from addiction, we do have experience dealing with addicts. This is why we felt so compelled to shed light on this topic.
Throughout our experience, we have met some amazing families with such compelling stories. One of those families has been affected by addiction. These courageous women have allowed us to help tell their story of hope, forgiveness, and triumph.
Jennifer and Michael were married and raised two daughters together until the girls were 4 and 5 years old.
Jennifer was an addict. Her addiction to prescription drugs began as a medical necessity for coping with pain management. Later, she began using the pills to mask everything else she was going through during that time in her life. She soon noticed herself spiraling out of control. Jennifer wanted to protect her girls from her addiction, so she chose to stay away from them, in hopes of shielding them from the pain she was going through.
When Leslie met her husband, Michael, she was raising her son as a single mother. After they married, she also became the stepmother to his two daughters.
She was strong in her beliefs that children are better off with both biological parents in their lives, unless it is a potentially volatile situation.
Leslie had only ever known Jennifer as an addict, never getting to know the true person behind the drugs. It became painful for her to watch what in her eyes seemed to be a mother choosing drugs over her children.
After a call to Child Protective Services was made by Jennifer with accusations against Leslie, a wedge was drawn in their relationship that neither women felt there was any way to repair. The assumptions made by Jennifer were due to stories she had been told by her daughters. With little say in her girls’ lives and no communication with Leslie, Jennifer felt CPS was her only choice.
Leslie felt that a line had been crossed and did not think she would be able to forgive Jennifer. Even though the investigation proved no fault on Leslie’s part, it had threatened her family and in her mind that was unforgivable.
“After years of animosity, missing milestones and important moments, and seeing the toll it took on the girls, I was tired. I was tired of seeing them put in the middle and having to choose sides, I was tired of seeing the psychological toll it was taking on the girls, I was tired of seeing their self-esteem suffer, and selfish as it may seem, I was tired of missing out.” - Jennifer
“Forgiveness came for me not as a means to mend a broken relationship. The weight and anger I carried was too much to bear, it was affecting every aspect of my life. My marriage, my parenting, even my relationship with my biological children. A girlfriend invited me to a Bible study/prayer group about forgiveness. There is where I began to forgive all the hurt, only for myself. Finding forgiveness released so much and opened the door for a fresh start when our oldest discussed how important it was to have all her family together for her senior year.” - Leslie
One thing you should understand is that you cannot fix an addict.
First, that person has to accept that they have a problem. Then, they need to be willing to correct that issue. If they are not ready, there is no amount of help or encouragement you will be able to offer them that will change their behavior.
You can be supportive of their recovery, but the most important thing you can do while an addict is trying to better themselves is to care for and love the children that are left behind.
Do your best to maintain a normal routine for the children.
Make sure they know how much ALL parents love and care for them. Their lives are undeniably shaken, therefore maintaining any and all normalcy is extremely important.
While being understanding, it is also safe and important to create boundaries.
The person suffering from the addiction may not be accepting of the boundaries, but once the addiction is under control, they will appreciate and understand the need for such parameters.
Above all things, forgive.
Forgive the addict. Also, forgive yourself. Addiction can cause so much pain for a family as well as an individual. Drugs will take over a person’s mind and make them do things they would never dream of in their normal state. Letting go of the anger and offering forgiveness to that person is not only important for them, it is extremely important for YOU.
We have said so many times before, children are not equipped to handle adult situations. As parents and stepparents, it is our job to make the tough decisions to shelter our children from any and everything that could have a negative impact on their well-being.
A child can never have too many people that love and care for them.
Sometimes, as a stepparent, you may need to step up and take on a bigger role in the parenting realm than you originally planned.
Once the dust settles, the parents and children will understand that it was done out of love and necessity.
Addiction does not always have a happy ending, but in the case of Leslie and Jennifer it certainly has.
Throughout all the trials and tribulations they have been through, their strength and determination prevailed. They are a true testimony of what women, and mothers, can accomplish when they join forces.
These courageous women are a true example of what amazing co-parents truly are.
They are proof that good things happen when you…
love your children more than you dislike your ex.
