“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
First things first: We are certainly not experts on the topic of boundaries, being that we barely have any. However, and we cannot emphasize this enough, boundaries are something that we highly suggest you set and make known.
Boundaries are not set up as roadblocks in your life, yet they are your own personal set of guidelines on how you as an individual expect to be treated and respected.
Boundaries are designed as a respect and trust from one person to the other.
Adding to this, boundaries in your co-parenting relationship should first and foremost be established between the biological parents. As a parent, we recommend setting boundaries on how you wish to be supported and respected moving forward. These boundaries should remain in place even after new relationships are formed.
“There have been numerous times when I have set boundaries that were merely looked at as options to follow, instead of consideration of my feelings. For example, early on I never wanted my children to call another woman ‘Mom’, yet instead of respecting that boundary I set with my children’s father, it was essentially given a veto.
Often times I know that setting a boundary is something that others may not understand, yet I do feel that by them not abiding or honoring that boundary, they are in a way unraveling the strings of trust. Over stepping someone’s boundary, no matter how much you may not understand why it was set, is without a doubt a sign of disrespect.
There has come a point in my co-parenting relationship where I feel like every boundary I had once set has been overstepped or brushed off. In this instance, I think setting a personal boundary becomes more pertinent in order to continue a civil co-parenting relationship. My Mama always said, ‘Stay in your own lane, Loren.’ It was not until I became an adult that I truly understood what she meant by that. It means more than staying out of another person’s business. Living in your lane means you have created your own boundary and side of the road that cannot be effected by anyone else…no matter what.” - Loren
Just as you once had rules set for your marriage or romantic relationship, the same must be done in a co-parenting relationship. This establishes an order and expectation of trust amongst all parties and will offer a more successful outcome in any future co-parenting or parenting issues that may arise in the future.
“Our co-parenting relationship began like a bolder dangling on the edge of a cliff…it was extremely unstable. We had spent years in a downward spiral, often taking one step forward and ten steps back.
Once our relationship started taking a turn for the better, I was elated. Finally, the very thing I had prayed so hard for was happening! For me, I was so excited to be communicating with my husband’s ex-wife, that I allowed my better judgement to be diminished.
I knew that we should set boundaries for our relationship, but somehow that did not seem like a priority. The most important aspect was that our lives were finally becoming less chaotic and we were building a more stable life for our children.
There were a several times in the beginning of my relationship with John that lines were crossed. I chocked it up to anger and resentment and did my best not to take it personally. I knew that I would never intentionally disregard a boundary that someone set with me, therefore I assumed that would be the same for everyone else involved.
After we put everything on the table and mended fences, I did not feel it was necessary to discuss boundaries. In my mind, it would just be something that was understood. We were all adults and we had an undying respect for one another. To me that, along with building a strong foundation for our children was the most important thing we could do.
If I could go back to the beginning, I would definitely have listened to my intuition. I would have done what I do best…made a list! The list would consist of boundaries I set for myself and the boundaries that had been set by others in our co-parenting relationship. No matter how close you think you are and how much trust you have for someone, no one is a mind reader. You cannot ever expect a person to know what you have never told them.” - April
Some of the boundaries that we feel are important to set in regard to co-parenting are relationship, home, children, and personal.
Your relationship should be your own. While we believe it is important to have all parents included in the children’s lives, your romantic relationship should be between you and your partner.
A boundary should be set for how involved you will allow your ex to be in your new relationship. It is not necessary for your exes to know everything that goes on in your new relationship.
We stand firm in the fact that we have thoroughly blended our families. However, it is a good idea to set healthy boundaries for your home. Having an open-door policy may not be your best option. At the same time, if an open-door policy is what you want and it is working, then keep it up. The important thing is to make sure you are all on the same page.
We have said before that it takes a village. Children can never have too many people that love them. With that being said, it is best to set the standards early on for how involved you are willing to allow the stepparents to be. It is extremely important that no lines are crossed when it comes to your preferred parenting styles.
People will only treat you how YOU allow.
Setting boundaries on how you expect to be treated will leave no room for error in your co-parenting relationship. We should always respect one another, and it is even more important that we show our children how much we respect their other parents.
Creating healthy boundaries is important for all areas of your life.
Co-parenting can become difficult at times. Having boundaries will help alleviate some of the stressors that can arise in uncomfortable situations. Never apologize for the stipulations you set for yourself, especially when you have made those feelings well known to the people around you.
Having a healthy and successful relationship relies on the boundaries you set, as well as the amount of hard work you are willing to put into the situation!
