“Your first obligation as a parent is to not bring chaos into your kids’ lives.”
Marriage does not normally come with the expectation of divorce. However, it sometimes ends that way. If you are blessed to have created life between one another during that marriage, it tends to make the divorce a little more difficult.
Parenting comes with its own challenges. When both parents are married to one-another, it makes it easier to agree on the different aspects of parenting. In divorce, it becomes much more difficult to come to an agreement on even the simplest of issues. Often, we take the anger of our marriage ending and cross contaminate our co-parenting relationship.
Chaos and parenting seem fitting to go hand in hand with one another.
Why add to the chaos?
Is there not already enough of that?
Well, co-parenting sure can have you questioning your normal capacity of chaos!
Divorce and co-parenting can sometimes make you have a fight or flight attitude.
Co-parenting becomes much like regular parenting, in the fact that we do what we feel is right and hope for the best!
There are several different types of parenting plans that couples can agree on. Often times, we may decide on a style and realize it is not working the way we imagined, so we move on to something different.
We have narrowed down the top three co-parenting styles in which we have personally worn the hats of. While each family has their own unique style, there seem to be three that nearly everyone can relate to in some format.
Court Mandated Co-parenting
This style is court driven and based. It involves both parents and their appointed counsel to write the guidelines for your parenting. Furthermore, this style of co-parenting is extremely law abiding in a sense that leaves little to no room for flexibility. It is often the most rigid style. This may be effective when parents are newly beginning their co-parenting journey and require a set of rules and structure to keep them on track.
Business Co-parenting (aka Mom and Dad, Inc.)
This style is probably the most popular in the co-parenting world. It allows for both parties to follow the custody plan that has been set in place. However, they equally communicate with one another in a business-like manner. This style places both parents as business partners and much of the communication is set up as such. They will communicate only if it is a necessary and the conversation is strictly about the child/children. Their language of communication is that of a work relationship, mainly done through text, email, or phone conversations. This attempts to keep all emotions out of the relationship.
Shared Custody (sometimes with your Best Friend)
This may be considered a “rare” style, but probably the most ideal goal to have. This style of co-parenting is one that often comes about when the parents no longer wish to remain married but want to keep their family dynamic. This is the most flexible of all the co-parenting styles. It involves open lines of communication, shared support in both homes, and a united front for all major family decisions.
“My co-parenting journey has followed down each style of co-parenting written above. In one way or another, John and I have attempted each style of co-parenting and even came up with our own. What most people don’t know however, is that when I say I co-parent, what I am really saying is It co-parent with my ex-husband’s wife. His wife, April, and I have always been the ones to co-parent.
Whether in a business-like format or through our attorneys, I have never formally co-parented with the father of my boys. Instead, it has always been with his wife. His wife just so happens to be my best friend. Weird, right? Well, not for me.
In fact, it wasn’t until I really sat back and thought about it while writing this blog, that I realized: regardless of who the person is that I am co-parenting with, I have an amazing co-parenting relationship. That in itself is pretty amazing.
So, while it may seem strange to others that I co-parent with a stepmom and have little to no communication with the father of my children, I can honestly say - it just works! April and I have created a well-oiled machine that works at a near flawless rate!” - Loren
“I am not sure if privilege is the correct word, but I have had the privilege of co-parenting with two ex-husbands, one new wife, and one ex-wife throughout the last twenty years. To say it has been difficult would be the understatement of the century. I will say that I have gained a tremendous amount of knowledge on the subject throughout the years.
When Roy and I first married, he took the reins on the co-parenting relationship with Jerry. It did not take a rocket scientist to see that Jerry and I were a volatile combination. Once I was able to mature and forgive and Jerry was able to let go and move on, we were role model co-parents. We did it so well that we could have taught the class on it. Jerry trusted the fact that I was an honest person and wanted what was best for my children. He never questioned my ability to be a good mother. When we did disagree on something, we calmly discussed it until we could come to a mutual agreement that made sense to everyone involved.
When Roy and I divorced, our co-parenting relationship was very smooth. In our experience with Jerry, we became pros on the subject. We have our disagreements, but we never allow it to affect our ability to communicate regarding our son. We realize that even though he and I are no longer married, we are still very good friends and we have a responsibility to the child we brought into this world. Roy and I always have Tanner’s best interests in the forefront of our hearts and minds.
Witnessing John and Loren attempt to co-parent in a positive manner has been a rollercoaster for sure. They will get a lot of things right and then get a lot of things wrong. The three of us have tried so many different styles of co-parenting, in hopes of finding the magic antidote. Being that John and Loren are unable to maintain a positive relationship, we have all realized that the best scenario for our children is for Loren and I to do the majority of the communicating and co-parenting.
I have no problem being the co-parent with Loren, and we do it quite well. However, I will never stop trying to mend their relationship. The only thing I am able to do at this point to help with that is to pray. I have watched them both work hard to come together, so I know it can be done. They just have a difficult past that has proven to be harder to overcome than we all thought. Until then, we will do what is best for the boys in order for them to have a peaceful life with both parents equally involved.” - April
In the end, it does not matter which style of co-parenting you choose.
You can make one of your own or choose one that we have addressed above. The most important thing to consider is to make sure it works for your dynamic.
You may need to try out several different styles before you find the one that works best for your family.
