“All mothers are warriors who have given life, and all bonus mothers are warriors who can change a life.”
For many people, choosing to start a family is a decision that is carefully thought out and precisely planned. In blended families, there are often no well thought out plans made.
It goes something like this:
Boy meets Girl, Boy marries Girl, Girl meets Boy’s children from previous Girl. Previous Girl hates new Girl and in turn Boy’s children hate new Girl. Then, new Girl spends a lot of time comparing herself to previous Girl while previous Girl has some jealousy of new Girl. So much time is spent harboring old anger and previous feelings that the real reason the new relationship began in the first place is long forgotten. All the while, said children are stuck in the middle leaving a very unblended family.
“When I married John, I was no stranger to the blending of a family. I had already been down that road once before. However, there was some uncharted territory I was very unfamiliar with…I had never been a stepparent.
At first, I thought it would be a breeze. I had been a mom for almost 20 years, so of course being a stepmom would be no different. WRONG! Oh, was I ever wrong! You see, being a mom is a piece of delicious, no calorie and no carb cake compared to being a stepmom.
The rules are completely different, the hours are much the same, but the benefits are scarce in comparison.
My bonus children were very young when I married their father. I am not sure if that was a benefit or detriment to the situation. There are so many would haves and should haves that I could dwell on, but there is no turning back. Here we are – one big, happy family.
But…it has not always been this way. I wished so many times that this new adventure I was on came with a manual. It seemed in the beginning that I did all the wrong things and never got many things right. That was especially true in my relationship with Loren. However, once we solved that portion of the puzzle, it seemed that everything else just began falling into place.
In my experience, once the Moms get on the same page, same mission, and have the same end result in mind, everything else is gravy, baby!”
The first question you should ask yourself before agreeing to marry a man or woman that already has children from a previous relationship is, “Are you ready to be a parent”?
If you go into the new relationship without biological children of your own, sometimes the mother of those children will be apprehensive. How will this person care for my children if they don’t even have children of their own? Will this person know what to do in an emergency, or will they be able to properly comfort my child if they lack the motherly instinct?
On the other hand, if you go into the new relationship already having children of your own, you could be accused of overstepping. For some people, being a parent just comes naturally. When there are children present, we are attentive to their needs; we mother them, in a sense. In the case of step parenting, that could easily be considered crossing the line. Sometimes the biological parent will feel as if you are attempting to replace them.
There is such a fine line, and that line is often not clearly drawn. It becomes much more of a trial and error process.
When you become a stepparent, whether or not you already have children of your own, you have to ask yourself if you are truly ready to love someone else’s child as your own.
You may not have given birth or helped in the creative process of that child, but when you marry their parent you do take on a supportive role in that child’s life. Those roles look different to each individual family, but nonetheless you have an obligation to that child – be it big or small.
The next thing to remember when becoming a stepparent is to make sure you set realistic expectations.
You cannot go into an already established family and think you are going to reinvent the wheel. Likely, that wheel will roll right off the tracks and flatten you where you stand. You also cannot expect to charter the parenting bus or pilot the plane or captain the ship. That bus will blow, that plane will crash, and that ship will sink.
YOU, will not control anything other than your own self. In most cases, the rules were set long before you arrived, and it will not be accepted if you march in trying to alter those rules.
The one thing that will save you throughout your stepparent journey is a very thick skin. The weak need not apply for the role of stepparent, as only the strong will survive. Not only do you need to be strong as an individual, but your relationship will need to be able to withstand any dagger thrown its way.
Trust me, there will be daggers surrounded by ninja stars thrown right at you while you are walking across fire. You must always remain focused on the prize – that being the amazing man or woman that you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. As long as the two of you remain a united front and stick together as a team, the two of you will survive all that is meant to destroy you.
The last piece of advice that is extremely important in the step parenting world is to be flexible.
As important as I believe schedules are, it is very difficult to stick to them when you are blending families. Routine is equally as important; however, it is also challenging to maintain the same one in both homes. I have found it to be even more laborious when there is little to no communication between the parents.
Being flexible in the expectations you have for your dynamic is essential as well. The idea that things will be all butterflies and rainbows is not always the case. Make sure to prepare for the worst and continue praying for the best.
“Becoming a bonus mom was more difficult than I could have ever imagined. No matter what you do to prepare, you never truly understand the magnitude of heartbreak you will face before entering into that realm. Essentially, you are going into a new world with laws you have never fathomed. Unlike the world we all know with rules that are clearly written, this new world has laws that only few know but never speak of.”
Blending two families can be a tiresome and disheartening adventure.
You will fall, but make sure you get back up.
You will fail, but always try again.
You will get a lot of things wrong, but never give up.
There are little eyes watching you and little ears listening to you. Above all else, do your best to set a great example of understanding, patience, love, and forgiveness to those tiny humans that rely on you to be a leader.
Protect your heart and protect your marriage. In the end, those are the things that you have control over. Those are the things that you want to last forever.
No matter what form of Hell you may endure, when you reach the point of peace – and with faith and prayer, you will – all of your hard work and determination will pay off.
You will forget the pain that your family has faced the moment you look at those wonderful children you have been so blessed to gain.
There will be days that you wonder how much more you can endure. You will celebrate small victories. Then there will be times that you are ready to throw in the towel, right after you clean up the spilled wine and wipe your tears with it.
Through the good and the bad, remember one thing…with prayer, anything is possible!
