“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory.” – Dr. Seuss
When I became a mom for the first time, I had an instant connection with that beautiful baby looking up at me. After finding out that I was pregnant with my second child, I was terrified. I wondered how on earth it would be possible to love another child as much as I loved my first. I did not think my heart was capable of containing that much love.
Once my second child was born, I remember crying the biggest tears of joy. For in that moment, I knew that my heart was able to love more than one child.
After the birth of my third child, I was sure that my soul could not possibly have an ounce of love left to give. Then, God brought into my life three special little boys to love. Even though I did not give birth to them, I am blessed to be able to help raise them.
As a mother, I have always been extremely protective of my children.
I do not consider myself a mama bear; I am more of a mama shark. I will tear you to shreds with my teeth, then find a knife on the ocean floor and cut you.
All jokes aside, there is a capability that lies deep in the soul of a mother. It gives her an unrelentless power to protect her children at all costs. I believe when God gave me mine, he doubled my dose!
When you become a parent, you cannot imagine a life without your children. Everything they do is perfect. Their first words, their first steps, their tiny attitudes – it is all so unbelievably impeccable. We can become obsessed with our children, essentially losing our own identities just to become “his mommy” or “her daddy”.
Then we figure out that parenthood has caused us to lose brain cells. Actually, it is more likely sleep deprivation that ultimately drives us over the edge. Somewhere between being a maid, chauffeur, and the snack getter, we remember that we are actually exhausted. We finally figure out that parents need breaks, too.
We make all the plans for the perfect night out, only to realize that we could not possibly leave the tiny human that we created in the care of someone else.
How will they ever take care of our perfect spawn the way we do?
As much as we NEED and WANT that night out, we are unable to drag ourselves away from our creations, even when our sanity lies in the balance.
What if you do not have a choice?
What if you are ordered to be away from your children?
What if you are obligated to divide your time with your children with their other parent?
That is what divorce looks like. That is what co-parenting looks like.
“I am so blessed to live in the same neighborhood as both my ex-husbands and my bonus children’s mother. Wow! That even sounds crazy to me!
I say this with the utmost sincerity, I love the close proximity that our children live in relation to all of their parents. It does make co-parenting so much easier.
However, it has not always been this way for me. When Roy and I were co-parenting with Jerry, we lived on opposite ends of the United States. At one point, we were co-parenting from Virginia to Hawaii. Talk about a long-distance relationship!
I will be forever grateful to Jerry for allowing me to travel all over the world with our children. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it was for him to be that far away from our babies for such long periods of time.
When John and Loren first began co-parenting, she lived in Georgia and we were in North Carolina. Thankfully, she was willing to give up her life there in order to make it easier on the children. Knowing that with John being in the Marine Corps, his ability to move closer to her was not possible. For our situation, it made more sense for her to move back to North Carolina.
Long-distance co-parenting is difficult, and most of the time one parent gets the short end of the stick. Jerry most definitely drew the short straw, unless we count the teen years where he did not get the pleasure of dealing with their teenage girl attitudes.
Loren has so graciously put her life on hold to be near John and I, in order to make co-parenting easier for us all. For that, I will be forever thankful to her.”
There are so many facets to consider when creating a positive co-parenting relationship, while doing so from a distance.
I have narrowed down three that I feel were most important in our dynamic.
First on the list, always put the children’s needs above your own.
With divorce comes instability. Your children’s lives are going to be disrupted. As their parents, it is our jobs to decrease that disruption as much as possible.
Make every attempt to maintain the same schedule and routine that the children had prior to your divorce. Consider allowing the children to stay with the parent that is not moving to a different state. I understand that is not always possible, but if the children can at least finish the school year without interruption, that would be ideal.
When the move becomes inevitable, be proactive.
Have a plan and stick to it. We always allowed the girls to visit their dad during each long holiday from school or when they were out for summer break. Sure, you may miss a holiday or special occasion, but the other parent is missing out on so much more. Make sure the children feel secure in their relationship with the parent that they are not living with. If there are set times for visits, help the children do a fun countdown calendar. This will allow them to adapt better to the change.
Second, technology is your friend!
We live in a world full of possibilities. Gone are the days of horse and buggy. Here are the days of iPhones and social media. Be creative in the communication between your children and their other parent.
If the child has a special event that the other parent is unable to attend, offer to FaceTime during the event. If that is not possible, record it so they are able to enjoy it later. I cannot tell you how many cheer competitions, soccer tournaments, and softball games have been attended through FaceTime. Even though Jerry could not be there in person, we made sure to include him via technology. This allowed him to never miss out on important milestones in his children’s lives.
Last, and most important, BE A TEAM!
In order to successfully co-parent in any aspect, communication is key. This reigns especially true when co-parenting long-distance. It is pertinent that you keep the lines of communication open between the parents.
It is also necessary to be flexible. While routine and schedules are important to the growth and development of a child, making adjustments to visitation schedules is equally important. No one wants to miss out of time with their children. Try putting yourself in the place of the parent that does not get to wake up and see their child every day.
I remember the first Christmas I spent away from my girls. Preparing for that was one of the hardest parts of co-parenting. Instead of wallowing in my own pity or being selfish and refusing to share my time, we altered our ‘normal’ traditions so the girls could spend time with their father before he left on deployment. And you know what…we all survived! Sure, we celebrated Christmas early and I didn’t have to stand in the kitchen all day and cook, but we made memories. On top of that, it gave Roy and I the chance to explore Vegas during Christmas time!
If you had remained married to the mother or father of your children, you would both enjoy all the things all together, as one big happy family. But…you didn’t! Now you have to make allowances for everyone involved. Your children and your future self will thank you.
Parenting is hard.
It is probably one of the most difficult things you will ever do. I assure you that it will not be as hard as dealing with the regret you will one day have for not allowing your children to develop a successful relationship with ALL of their parents.
Be respectful.
Understand that your children did not divorce their other parent, you did. They have suffered enough. Respect the relationship your children have with the other parent and do your best to support the bond they have with them.
Be involved.
Do your part in helping your children maintain the relationship they need and desire with the other parent. Never make them feel guilty or like they have to choose one home or the other.
Also, never give up!
You have a responsibility to your children to create a loving environment for them to strive in. Do not give up on building a positive co-parenting relationship with your ex.
Always set a good example for your children!
One day, they will thank you.
