“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”
-Robert Fulghum
The most colossal responsibility you will ever accept begins the moment you become a parent. For many, parenthood is a continuous journey of shared obligation. When you are in a nuclear family, the shared portion is relatively even across the board. However, when you are co-parenting after a divorce, the balance may shift a bit.
One thing that we agree on in our blended family, is that all parenting should be split evenly between a mother and father. We feel that even if two people are no longer married, the children deserve equal time with both of their parents. As we discussed last week, this is not always possibile. Distance can require one parent to take on more parental duties than the other.
“When I first started co-parenting with Jerry, our daughters were two and five. I remember feeling extremely defeated. I could not imagine that I would have to communicate and be so actively involved with a man that I did not even want to be in the same room with.
I dreaded the next sixteen years of co-parenting with him. Our relationship was volatile, and I never dreamed it would anything other than misery. My ignorance led me to believe that once our children became teenagers, he and I would not be required to communicate as often.
After I grew up and learned that forgiveness was more for myself than him, those feelings changed drastically. I also snapped back to reality when the girls actually were teenagers and I realized that co-parenting and communication were more pertinent than ever before.”
Mother nature works her magic to allow a woman to forget the pain of childbirth so that she will procreate multiple times.
That is the only logical explanation I can fathom that would make sense for women to put their bodies through all that craziness. Once we lay eyes on our precious gift from God, it makes all the heart burn and contractions worthwhile.
Parenting is difficult no matter who you are and how you choose to go about it.
We pray for the first words and first steps because it will just be so precious. It becomes a little less precious when the first word is “NO”, and the mobility leads to the destruction of everything in your tiny miracle’s path.
We are insane to believe that the older our children get; the easier parenting becomes. That is a dirty, filthy lie we tell ourselves to give us a shred of hope. All hope is lost at the first sight of those teenage years.
This is also something that we believe when we are co-parenting. Sure, when our children are infants and toddlers, they are needy and require a lot of attention. Those little humans rely on their parents for every meal and every bath, band aids on all skins and scrapes, along with twenty-nine bedtime stories. Parents are relied on to tend to their child’s every need, all day and every day.
It only makes sense that communication between co-parents would be at an all-time high when the children are younger. Neither parent wants to miss out on anything. The non-custodial parent deserves to be part of all the special events, so the primary parent has an obligation of making sure that happens.
Not to mention, when your children are small, they still love you unconditionally. They are actually excited to talk to you and tell you about every snail they found in the garden, each time they went number two in a given day, and to recount each detail in that movie that has been on repeat in the DVD player for the last month. So, when your child asks to call their other parent for the eighteenth time that day, you will allow it.
Hence, communication with the ex that you thought you were divorcing becomes more prominent than it was when you were actually married.
You pray for those teenage years when communication with your ex will become much less frequent.
Those days arrive and you are required to eat those words, along with your pride! You see, when your children become teenagers, communication does not just double – it quadruples.
Now, you are no longer discussing pick-ups and drop-offs or custody agreements or visitation schedules. Nope!
You are now consulting with your ex about THEIR child’s bad attitude.
You are venting about THEIR son’s bad grade in math or THEIR daughter’s third new boyfriend this week.
The relationship between you and your ex will evolve as your children grow older.
You will transform from people that coexist because they created life together into allies who are up against one common bandit…your teenage child.
At least that is what you should do!
There is power in numbers. The only chance of survival is if you two join forces to combat the alien that has inhabited your once precious spawn.
You two will learn very fast that the tiny human you created was a walk in the park compared to the demon-child he or she becomes once puberty enters the equation.
Your only hope for survival is to combine your efforts in hopes you have the endurance to at least make it until they graduate high school.
Do not get excited just yet. The fun does not stop there!
Just when you think it is over.
Just when you think that you are finally in the clear…your child decides to breed.
They create a tinier version of themselves, mixed with the scariest parts of the person they decided to procreate with. This is where the real enjoyment begins!
Parenting does not look the same for all nuclear families, just as co-parenting does not look the same for all blended families.
Children come in all shapes, sizes, and sassiness!
It is important for children to see their parents as a united front. Set your differences aside and love your children. Raise them to be the smart, kind, and respectful humans you always dreamed they would become.
The rules of parenthood do not have to change after divorce.
You may be required to rewrite the directions, but the product remains the same.
