“There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough.”
Marriage is a life-long commitment that one should not enter into lightly. It is something that is meant to last forever, for always, and no matter what.
We are taught to work hard, and never give up. There are instances, however, that no matter how hard we try, nothing can save a marriage. Furthermore, it is extremely unhealthy to stay in a marriage at the expense of your sanity and well-being.
So, how do we know when it is acceptable to end a marriage?
After infidelity?
Abuse?
When you are no longer in love with your partner?
The choice to end your marriage is exactly that, a choice. We all have choices in life. Loving someone is a choice, just as is ending a marriage. The most difficult, yet elevating aspect of choices, is that we as individuals are the only one that can make those decisions for our lives.
Trust us, there are times when we all wish we could have someone else make life’s big decisions on our part. The power and lesson to be learned in any situation, comes from the choice WE make, no one else.
For John and Loren, their marriage began on lies and an affair.
In their eyes, they both loved their son to the point that all they wanted was to provide a loving family for him, regardless. By the time they said their vows, the honeymoon phase of their love had dissipated. Instead of walking away, they chose to fight through the lies and dark nights. The straw that broke the camel’s back early on was the bombshell of betrayal.
“I don’t think you can ever fully recover from something like finding out your husband of less than a year, has been sleeping with someone and had a two-month-old child with the person.” -Loren
Despite all odds, Loren and John went on to have two more children. The secrets of the marriage only eating away at them more and more with every year that passed. One lie too many and insurmountable trust issues were the ultimate demise of their nuptuals.
“Nothing could ever be done to grow love in our marriage ever again. My marriage was over before it began. We started in a whirlwind and held on for years doing everything we could to cultivate a love that was strong enough to survive a lifetime together.” -Loren
The ending of a marriage can sometimes feel like failure. But should it?
Wouldn’t the ultimate failure come from existing in a world where you could never achieve all that you could be, because you have chosen complacency and stubbornness over self-growth and acceptance? Ending a marriage could simply be the acknowledgement that you are not meant for misery, pain, and a lifetime of repeat heartbreak.
“When it came to the end of my marriage, I was able to walk away knowing I had done all that I could to make it work. In that, I did not feel like a failure. I gave my all, and it simply was not enough. I knew that nothing ever would be.” -Loren
According to marriage.com, the top three reasons that marriages end are infidelity, money, and lack of communication.
The American Psychological Association states that 90 percent of Americans marry by the age of 50. Statistically, about 40-50 percent of those marriages end in divorce. The rate for second and third marriages is even higher.
For April and Jerry, the odds were against them from the beginning.
Not many couples that have a child and get married while in high school are able to make their love last. It is possible, but for April, there were several other factors that led to the demise of her first marriage.
“Growing up in a broken home, I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever it took to make my marriage work. I never wanted my children to go through what my sister and I went through.” -April
April’s marriage was not the fairy tale she imaged it would be. The stress of military life, motherhood, and infidelity was too much for a teenager to cope with. She believed that the abuse began due to Jerry’s resentment towards her.
Like April, Jerry’s life did not go as planned and many of his hopes and dreams were also put on hold in order to care for his family. It became harder and harder for the two of them to focus on their marriage, while simultaneously attempting to mature and grow as individuals and young parents.
“Ending my marriage was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I did not only have myself to think about, I was a very young mother of two little girls. I knew the road that lied ahead was going to be extremely difficult. However, the one I was leaving behind was intensely unhealthy.” -April
Like fingerprints, no two relationships are the same.
Marriage requires a large amount of compromise and communication. What works for one couple, may not necessarily work for another. We feel that when two people are truly meant for one another, they will do whatever it takes to make their marriage last.
We would advise doing everything in your power to make your love last. Go to counselling, consult your pastor, read books, never stop dating your spouse – do whatever it takes to show your significant other how much they mean to you.
Do not let divorce be your first answer, it should be a last resort.
On the other hand, if you are in a volatile and dangerous relationship, your safety is the most important aspect.
It is not healthy to remain in a marriage that is disastrous. Maintaining a level head if of utmost importance.
At the end of the day, when you have fought for your marriage, walked down every road you can to save it, and know that you have given your all, you are able to feel the freedom and peace of the end of that chapter of life.
The ending of a marriage can sometimes merely be the closing of a book in order to open a new one; a new, fresh start that is clean of mistakes and heartbreak.
Allowing yourself to grow from the pain, means awakening a new, stronger love that will stand the test of time.
