“A girl’s first true love is her father.”
That quote speaks volumes. The first love for most humans, is most often the deepest. A little girl, whether she knows it or not, will likely fall in love for the first time with the man she calls Dad. He is the man that will set the tone in her life for every great love thereafter. For some, that man sets the bar extraordinarily high.
For others, that man will leave lingering insecurities and doubts in that little girl for the rest of her life.
Many of those doubts affect a woman’s ability to love and be loved. It can also have a large influence on the type of parent she becomes.
It is our belief that the way we are raised has a dramatic effect on how we behave as children and adults.
Fatherhood.org provides very informative statistics on absentee parents. For instance, children with neglectful parents are at greater risk of poverty, behavioral problems, drug and alcohol abuse, and teen pregnancy/parenthood. They are also more likely to face abuse and neglect, commit crimes, and dropout of high school.
For a little girl who grew up with both a biological father and a stepfather, Loren fell in love for the first time with two very different men. She clung to the idea that she was supposed to be a “Daddy’s girl”, seeing as Loren was the only daughter her biological father had.
“My father did not want to be a father at 22, but he jumped in and I think he tried the best he knew how to do.” -Loren
As a child, the expectations we have for our fathers are something we do not consciously consider, and yet they are very much a part of us.
Loren’s expectations for her biological father were for him to always protect her, be a safe space, and to be the man that cared for her above all other men. Loren also expected him to show up in her life for every achievement and downfall.
Instead, she was often let down by his absence, his harshness, and his lack of interest in anything she ever did. For Loren, her biological father gave her the identity she has today, which is guarded.
“If I am the “Ice Princess”, well then he was the King.” - Loren
She expected her father to be there when she went to prom, to kiss her when she cried, and to spend time with her doing something they both enjoyed. Loren often fought for her father’s attention and begged for his love in acts of rebellion, then isolation. However, she found herself always coming up empty.
As a woman, Loren noticed herself making excuses for men when the expectations she held for them also fell short. She begged for love and threw herself into relationships she was better off walking away from. The lack of a true ‘father’ role left a mark that no other man could erase.
“My Father’s violence, coldness, and words ring out in every insecurity I have.” -Loren
Her father would say things such as:
“You’ll never amount to anything if you don’t do what I say”
“You know I love you - I don’t have to tell you.”
“You should always look your best. First impressions are the most important thing.”
When it came to relationships, she followed what her father instilled in her. She thought that no man would love her unless she looked her best. Loren thought she needed to always be who and what the man wanted her to be, so she attempted to squeeze into a metaphorical box. She believed men did not need to show their love, as long as they verbally expressed it.
Loren’s father set the tone for the rest of her life, whether he realized it or not.
“Every insecurity, every question of my worth, and every time I isolated myself because I was unsure and guarded, stems from the man who walked away from our family when I was a child. It’s stems from every try and attempt at being a father, but not a Daddy. I will always love the man that made me. He instilled an independence and drive in me. As my father, he held one of the highest roles of my life and has let me down. The man I run to when I need to know why my AC is leaking, or my car is making a funny noise, or when my heart has been broken and I need to come home, is the man who came into my life as a stepfather. When I look for an example of the type of man I want to love me for the rest of my life, I see my stepfather.” -Loren
“One of the most important reasons that we have fought so hard at forging an amazing co-parenting relationship for our family, is so our children are less likely to grow up with similar issues of abandonment and rejection.
-April & Loren
April experienced a similar, yet very different childhood. Until the age of ten, she was raised by the man she believed to be her biological father. Only after her paternal grandparents requested to visit her, did April’s parents divulge a deep family secret – her ‘dad’ had adopted her after she was born.
“My biological father was not ready to be a parent. When my mom told him she was pregnant, he told her he did not care what she did with me. He offered that she put me in a bag, tie it up, and throw it down the river.” -April
After meeting her biological father only two times throughout her childhood, he stopped contacting April. That began the deep-rooted abandonment issues that she would face throughout her teenage and adult life. At the age of 29, April began searching for her father and was able to locate him on Facebook.
“I was able to forgive my father and attempted to work at forging a relationship with him to make up for all the lost years.” -April
The relationship between April and her father lasted a few short years, until he disappeared from her life for good. She strived to not allow her father’s poor decisions to inflict pain on her, but it was easier said than done. Although April had an amazing dad that stepped in to raise her like his own, the dark cloud of her biological father walking out on her loomed overhead.
“All of my insecurities and fears of abandonment centered around one man - my biological father. For years, I hated myself and blamed myself; I told myself that I was not good enough. Afterall, if the man that helped create me did not love or want me, how could I expect any other man to want me. Every time I doubted myself, every single time I questioned whether or not I was enough, and behind every failed relationship, with every bad decision and disrespect for myself, was the skeleton of my father’s broken promises. It took me so long to realize that I was not the problem. The problem lied in the man that had neglected me my entire life.” - April
As an adult, it was much easier to handle the pain that April carried around regarding her abandonment issues. However, the agony became more than she could handle when she received the call that her dad, the amazing man that raised her and her sister, had been murdered. This horrendous act caused all the buried pain to explode to the surface. Years of hidden agony came crashing down, causing a tremendous amount of depression that April managed to hide from everyone – once again.
“The pain of losing my dad was numbing; my world was shattered. It was unlike any other feeling I had ever encountered in my life. I began to have an immense amount of anger towards my biological father, often wondering why God took my amazing dad and left behind the ‘father’ that never wanted me.” -April
Having more involved parents can help improve a child’s social and emotional well-being.
Children with two active parents are less likely to be mistreated, they do better in school, and they are less likely to get involved in drugs. These dual-parent families are also more likely to have a peaceful home and an overall healthy mental well-being.
While it is ideal for couples with children to remain married, it is not always possible. We understand that every family has different circumstances. However, it is extremely important that no matter how much you dislike co-parenting…
you MUST love your children more than you dislike your ex!
