“One day you will find someone that chooses you and continues to choose you every day, and that’s when you will be thankful everything happened the way it did."
When you think about co-parenting, you most likely imagine biological parents that are no longer together, reuniting as a team to raise the children they created during their relationship.
While that is often the scene in our dynamic, occasionally it is not the case.
As we have mentioned before, blended families come in all shapes and sizes.
This week, our co-parenting journey took us on a very different path; a far cry from anything we have ever dealt with before.
We cannot help but wonder how contrary our children’s lives would look if we had not made the choice to put all our differences aside for the better good. Sure, we could have chosen to conform to society’s norm.
We could be mortal enemies and live in turmoil and chaos.
However, we chose a different path. We strive to be mature women and exceptional mothers. Our children stand to benefit the most from our united front. That common goal reigns higher than any amount of resentment and animosity we ever held for one another.
“In motherhood, overcoming obstacles is a daily feat. I suspected that I would always have hurdles to overcome after my divorce, but the ones I have been faced with I could have never predicted. My ex-husband excusing me of abuse and neglect, my sanity trailing off to levels of unknown that turned me into a pyromaniac attempting to burn his clothes on our front lawn, becoming homeless numerous times, and filing bankruptcy just to crawl out of the financial hole I was pounded into as a single income woman and mom. Yep, the hits kept coming.
While things may appear to be all roses and sunshine at times for April and I, behind the scenes she and I spend hours crying, screaming, and talking out all of life’s rainstorms we still find ourselves in. We have learned to separate friendship versus ex-wife and new wife but let me tell - you that road is still rocky.
We struggle with the fine line of wife and ex-wife, just as most would. At the end of the day those hats usually come off, and we find ourselves being vulnerable, raw, and at times weak, with the one person the world says you are supposed to hate. However, we don’t hate. We find comfort in that commonality, and our friendship has grown to rise above even our differences, or significant others at times. We are just two women - raw and real and needing one another.
I often hear, “Isn’t it weird being best friends with your ex-husband’s new wife?” Ironically, it is not. In fact, that is the least weird part about our friendship and our entire story. April and I grew from enemies to co-parents and best friends of 85 children. We don’t see ourselves any different than any other friendship or sisterhood. We never knew how much we needed each other, but God knew that someday we would both see it and appreciate it. Looking back, I think you could define us now as trials to triumph.
With the dads in our world leaving, we both have felt a certain way about it. We are nervous about co-parenting 4 children all on our own, while keeping the exact schedules in place as they had when their fathers were here. We are worried about behavioral issues and that we may not be able to manage all these boys and their attitudes on our own.
The emotions we are experiencing are some I never thought I would feel. For me, Roy was the silly-puddy that oddly kept everyone together - especially me. He has been the one constant since the beginning who has encouraged me and set an example of how co-parenting should look. He has known every in an out of my side of the custody battle and was always a shoulder to cry on…literally. I have sobbed with him on several occasions.
Love is a strange thing…they say when you know you know. Often this is in relation to a relationship with a significant other. I still remember when April and I started saying ‘I love you’ to one another. It slipped off our lips and the first thing we both said was, “Yeah, that is probably not something an ex-wife and new wife say to each other every day!” Here’s the thing, it didn’t feel weird. It didn’t even feel forced, or in a joking manner. It felt, organic.
I love her. I love her because she loves our children, and me, and my ex-husband, and for all the reasons one loves someone: honesty, integrity, loyalty, and compassion. I chose to love her, and she chose to love me. Everything else just falls into place around our effort and choosing to love and respect one another.
So yes, this is more than just a story of a Mom and Stepmom. This is a story of friendship, pure and simple. April brought so many people with her when she came into my sons’ lives. Those people she brought; I have grown to love.
They have become family. We are a family.
I don’t know what this new chapter is going to look like. I am nervous to face it, and cautious about the future. The ‘what if’s’ are something I try to never let enter my world, yet I find them popping up from time to time. One thing that remains a constant and a grounding, are the babies we must carry through life. As much as we carry them, they have no idea how much carrying they do for us. Everything we do, we do for them.
The gift of a life partner and best friend just happens to be a huge blessing we were especially gifted. And let me tell you, not a day goes by that we don’t acknowledge how magical and miraculous that is.” -Loren
How you choose to handle difficult situations says a lot about the kind of person you are.
As a parent, you constantly have little eyes watching your every move. This makes it even more important to always put your best foot forward.
Life seems to throw us curveballs the second our backs are turned, or our eyes are closed. We are talking about World Series, 90 mph curveballs - the kind that will knock you to the ground and have you wondering what happened.
It can be difficult to navigate your co-parenting relationship, especially when you may not be fully healed from the past.
“I have overcome many obstacles in my life. I have loved, lost, suffered, and healed. I have been broken, yet somehow manage to put the pieces back together. Sometimes, I find the challenges rewarding. That sounds sick and twisted – but when you have been through as much as I have in life, you learn to appreciate the good and the bad.
I have dreaded this week for months. I imagined it would be difficult, but never dreamed it would have the effect it has had on me. It has been over 23 years since I signed up to be a military spouse. A big part of that journey is saying goodbye to those you love and learning to lean on the ones you have.
When I imagined what my life would be like ten years ago, I never dreamed it would be what it is today. It encompasses many feelings, from anguish and sorrow to triumph and euphoria. I know that everything happens for a reason, but that does not negate the fact that I still question the ‘why’. I am blessed beyond what I deserve, and for that I am immensely grateful.
I have grown very attached to my bonus babies; I love them as if they were my own flesh and blood. With my husband, their father, away for training – they fill that void of his absence. The situation we are dealing with today would look severely different if we were still in the same place that we were a few years ago. It is not likely I would be afforded the opportunity to spend this precious time with the boys. But Loren and I have come so far in our co-parenting. Not to mention, we know it is best that we keep the kids on the same schedule and routine.
It is difficult to go through life without your partner. Anytime John is away, I have a hole in my heart. My marriage is strong but does not lack struggles. It is full of happiness and understanding and communication. It is not perfect, but it is perfectly imperfect. I have a very gentle, loving, and supportive man. That man happened to also bring with him a woman that evolved into my best friend.
If someone would have told me that the person I would one day be leaning on was my husband’s ex-wife, I would have laughed in their face. The beginning of ‘April and Loren’ was no fairytale friendship. Through hard work, determination, forgiveness, and healing, we have managed to turn our mess into a message. Our screams of frustration have become screams of excitement, the painful tears are now joyous tears, and the pain has turned to prosperity.
Loren is more than the mother of my children, our children…she is my person. She is the one I call with good news, the one I confide in, the person I talk about my dreams and hopes with. She is the woman I can be myself around; she knows my flaws and insecurities – but she loves me in spite of.
This week, Loren was the person that pulled me into her chest and allowed me to smear snot and tears all over her. She was the one that sat with me in my bedroom floor for an hour as we cried over a missing piece of our co-parenting world. Although Roy and I are no longer married, we still share an unbreakable bond. The love and respect we have for each other is unfaltering. As much as I want to choke him, he is the person in this world that knows me better than I know myself.
It just so happens that he also shares a strong bond with Loren. We have all been through so much together throughout the last few years. Roy has been the rock that we have all leaned on. Our world was rocked when he received orders. Although we refused to accept that fact, this week, it slapped us in the face with extreme force.
There is one thing that helps get me through the difficult times. It is the love I share with Loren, my best friend. God brought us to each other for a reason, and I believe in my heart that we can get through anything that is thrown at us…as long as we do it together.” -April
Henry Ford once said, “Coming together is the beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.”
Our relationship is not perfect.
Our friendship is not perfect.
Our lives are messier than a teenager’s bedroom. But it is our mess, and we love it.
Things get ugly. We scream and cry and shut down and get mad.
The one thing we never do…we NEVER quit.
We NEVER give up on each other.
We know what we have is worth fighting for. This ‘family’ we built is crazy. Not many people understand it – at times neither do the two of us. However, we know that we have something special.
We have that once in a lifetime, can’t live with you, would never WANT to live without you kind of love.
To us - our CHAOS is BEAUTIFUL!
