“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.” -Brene Brown
No one plans the fall of a marriage. Even those of us that walk into a marriage with concerns or uncertainty - ye of little faith - still hold on to some sort of hope that we will defy the odds and our love will last.
If your marital bliss turns to marital misery, then you must make a difficult decision.
At the crossroad you can take the path of acceptance, understanding, and compromise and choose to carry on to the best of your ability. On the other side lies the road of angst, bitterness, vengeance, and a dash of crazy.
“It was hard looking at the man on that stand. The one who once upon a time told me I was the woman of his dreams, and he would love me til the end. The man who doted over me and held me to the highest of standards above any other woman. I was now being forced to listen to him spew lies and have utter disgust by my presence. That was enough to make anyone’s blood boil. I wanted to lunge across that courtroom and wrap my hands around his neck like a python!
Why did he have the ability to get to me? Why did I let him make me feel that kind of rage? I’ll tell you why…because that man was once mine and I was his. In a sense, we once owned one another. We owned every up and down we experienced together. However, when the marriage ended, so did the contractual obligation we had, the pact to always have each other’s back.
This is something often forgotten. For me, it was one of the reasons I struggled the most in letting go of how we were as husband and wife instead of figuring out who we were then becoming to each other.
My ex-husband was no gem; I would be lying if I said differently. He has gone out of his way, even years after our divorce, to tear me down or get me riled up. Why? Because he knows how to. We know every button about each other and pushing them is sometimes the only satisfaction that will bring us to a truce.
If I could do it over or offer any advice on how to better handle the situation, this is what I would say…
Let it die. I don’t mean your ex - although we may fantasize about it - I mean the desire to fire back. Light that urge and instinct to get even, on fire.
Let it go. Let go of any expectations you have about what your relationship should look like. It’s not for you to decide, it is for you BOTH to navigate and figure out.
Let them be right. Oof, that’s a tough one to hear isn’t it? Give it a try; let them be right, and see how that leverage elevates the playing field.
Let the good memories in. Replay the happy times a thousand times and dissect them. Go back and look at what made that memory about them a good one. Try to figure out what triggers their happy moments. Use this as fuel in your communication with them.
Let their actions become your power. They are trying to get a rise out of you. They want you to be crazy. Take that power away and remind yourself that you are giving them what they want when you react.
Also remember, no one looks good in orange, I don’t care what anyone tells you.
The moment I want to throat punch my ex-husband; I sit with it. I smile at the thought and remind myself that it is exactly what he wants. So, I do not give him anything, except for a peaceful ex-wife - which he hates, so I love!” -Loren
If life did not come with surprises, it would be boring.
Change can be scary, but it can also be extremely gratifying.
Buddha said, “If you want to fly, give up everything that weighs you down.”
We experience challenges in life in order to change us into the person we were meant to become. It is easy to get stuck in an ordinary and impervious lifestyle; that is often our comfort zone. The real test comes when we break free of what we allow to hold us back.
There is so much growth involved in the tough situations we are often faced with.
Whatever happens, do not hate the person that hurt you. You are allowed to be disappointed that they turned out to be what they promised you they would never be. You are also allowed to be upset that your life did not go as planned.
You are NOT allowed to give up!
“While going through my first divorce, I never imagined I would survive. Truth be told, sometimes I did not even want to. The pain was unexplainable. It would have been so easy to roll over and shrivel into a pathetic mess. I was on the verge, hanging on by a small thread.
I could have been the victim and blamed everyone else for the anguish I was going through. But that was not how I was raised. Thank God, I still had a lot of fight left in me - I get that from my momma.
I will never believe that Jerry intended to cause me the immense amount of pain he created. Honestly, I brought my fair share of unresolved issues into our marriage. He just happened to possess the final ingredient in the recipe for my heartbreak.
Did I have times I wished I had never met Jerry? Sure. Was I angry at him for the agony he caused? Absolutely. Were there times I wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt me? More than you could ever imagine!
I cannot tell you what stopped me, other than that little voice. You know, the one that gets on your nerves. The one that reminds you to do the right thing, even when it is so much easier to do the wrong thing. The voice that you wish you could throat punch. If that voice had a name, it would be Karen. (Sorry to all the good Karen’s)
It was hard to come to the realization that the way I was feeling was not at the fault of anyone but myself. Sure, Jerry was a big contributing factor to my anger and bitterness. But as long as I allowed him to influence my reactions, the longer I allowed him to have control over me.
Once I dug REAL deep and remembered the reasons why I fell in love with him, it became much easier to let go of the resentment that was weighing me down. After I reminded myself of all the amazing things that he had given me, I was able to begin healing.
Underneath all the anger and hate Jerry was projecting towards me, lied the same pain I was feeling. That was the pain of our marriage ending, our family unraveling.
Looking back on where I was during that time is almost incomprehensible. When I think about the girl I once was, she seems so contrary to the woman I am today.
I will say again, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. God allows certain things to happen throughout our lives in order for us to become who He wants us to be. We end up exactly where we were always meant to go.
Sometimes you have to walk through fire to reach the wonderful life that He has planned for you. Once the smoke clears – the beautiful life you want is all yours.
Through adversity and struggle, your soul grows. I was able to find my happily ever after.
As long as you possess desire and never let that fire inside you burn out, you have the potential to create the life you have always dreamed of.” -April
No matter how hard you try to avoid it, you are bound to be hurt by someone at least once in your life. What is even worse, is that the person who hurts you will likely not care. They will rip out your heart, tear it to pieces, and watch them fall right to the ground.
You will breakdown while you slowly attempt to put the pieces back together. However, during that momentary disruption, you will learn something about yourself.
You will learn just how strong you really are.
You will learn that NO ONE has the power to destroy you.
You will learn that you are a WARRIOR that has the ability to CONQUER anything and anyone that stands in her way.
Do not be discouraged by your current situation – it is only temporary.
Whatever heartache you are going through will pass. You will not stay in that dark place, the pain will not last forever, and your time will come.
Always keep pushing yourself beyond your limits. Take time to experience new adventures.
Do not just conquer your goals…CRUSH them!
Through it all – find your happiness, and never stop believing in yourself.
