“Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead.” - Benjamin Franklin
We have all been guilty of keeping things from those we love. Not all secrets are bad. Sometimes things are better left unsaid; it leaves a little to the imagination.
For instance, a surprise party or a special gift – those are secrets worth keeping.
Why are those ok to keep hidden? It’s simple, because something good comes from that undercover operation.
A secret rendezvous with the neighbor, or undisclosed drug use is not appropriate in a relationship. Those are not typically things you should keep from your spouse.
“From the moment I married my husband, my gut was telling me something was wrong. He was different than the man I first had a whirlwind romance with. He was colder, less loving towards me, and seemed to do all he could to avoid being in my presence. I felt like he started to enjoy pushing me away and making me cry.
I chalked everything up to the fact that we were thrown into marriage and parenthood all at once. This had to be overwhelming for him, as much as it was for me. The more time went on, the less wanted I felt. He began to throw around the threat of divorce frequently, and his every word and action had me believing I was going crazy and was unworthy of being his wife and mother to his child.
In the back of my mind, I knew something was not right. So, when the pivotal day came that he acknowledged he had a double life, my devastation turned into relief. “Finally!”, I thought. Finally, there is an explanation to all of this. The explanation grew, when he confessed that he had a daughter by this other woman. I spoke about my reaction in a previous blog, and it was one of calm and loss. No one gives you a manual for this type of circumstance, nor direction on how I was supposed to react moving forward.
My initial thought was to run, which I did for a bit. Then another idea came to my mind that I began to battle: “What if I stay and be the one that goes through this with him, instead of against him?” This is where things became difficult in our marriage and personally.
While I was wanting to make my marriage work, I was not emotionally equipped for this situation to become a daily part of our lives. I had not prepared for the fact that this woman, would now be contacting my husband daily regarding their child, nor was I prepared for the financial burden this was going to put on our family. Furthermore, I was not prepared for the fact that this would soon divide and sever some of our family ties.
I was all about “standing by my man”, but truly had no idea what that even meant. To be honest, I don’t think John even knew how to stand through the entire thing, so how I was supposed to know what direction to take when my husband was not leading?
To say I overcame the affair and love child, would be a lie. I never healed from the initial pain of that day. I brushed it off and pushed forward in the eyes of the public. We argued daily, and my entire demeanor towards my husband was utter disgust, which I knew he could sense in my cold shoulder towards him. I did not know how else to be towards him. I felt as if I was living with a complete stranger; a stranger I was now terrified of. I was terrified at the level of deception from the person I was still married to. I could not get myself into another headspace.
The incident was not isolated. The events that transpired around that day and thereafter, are what took the biggest toll on not only me but also our marriage. One day we would be our old selves, the next I was finding even more tangled webs or listening to this woman speak to my husband over the phone as if she knew him and loved him more than I did.
I watched as my husband tried to navigate between what he felt he should do and what I felt he wanted to do. A part of me wanted to support him in running away from the child all together, but the mother in me, saw my own child in that scenario and all I wanted to do was push him to facilitate a relationship.
While I may not have agreed with every decision my husband made, I felt like if I agreed with him, there could never be blame placed on me as the bitter wife. I was wrong. When I did push him, it was never well received, and I always immediately regretted it. I was caught between the hardest of rocks.
In hindsight, my husband - while in the wrong - was caught in an even harder place that he would have to live with for the rest of his life. By throwing it in his face and bringing it up, I was only damaging our friendship that we once vowed to always have above anything else. A s the friendship died, so did our marriage.
Years later, as we began our separation, every wound that was made from that one day 5 years ago re-opened. His every action mirrored the days of our first year of marriage when he was distant and cold, and I was terrified of who I was married to. While we may have put a band aid over the issue, we never truly faced them, and I never had the chance to heal.
I sometimes wish I would have forgiven him sooner, but I don’t think I knew how. All I saw was how I was going to make him pay for his actions. For that, I own my side in the end of our marriage. My takeaway from his double life, and from our marriage beginning as myself being his mistress, then become the wife he lead a double life with on the side, is this: If you are not strong enough to heal your own trauma, you will never be strong enough to heal the trauma someone else inflicts upon you. The work begins with you and should never be expected to be healed by anyone else. This was my greatest flaw in our marriage. I expected John to fix the pain he caused. However, that was never his job.
We joke now, as we both talk about trauma in our marriage from time to time. John once overheard April and I talking about how empowered and strong we now are as women, and how proud I was of myself for my growth after my divorce. John simply said, “You’re welcome for the trauma.” To be honest, I couldn’t thank him enough. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without everything I have been through and learned. Thank you, John.
From the bottom of my heart, I wouldn’t have become the woman I am today with you.” -Loren
Being open promotes trust and honest communication in a relationship.
In most marriages, your significant other is your confidant and closest friend. The emotional connection you have with your spouse suffers when there are lies between you.
Respect may also be lost. You will no longer trust the love that was once shared between the two of you.
Once trust is gone, it is nearly impossible to regain.
“If you were to think about a place to find love, I’m sure the last place that would come to your mind is a combat zone. But leave it to ole’ Kirkalicious to break the mold yet again.
She was coming out of the billeting area to do some laundry, and for a man who is always focused and mission-oriented like myself - especially in that environment - I suddenly could not focus on anything else but her. Our eyes locked, and in that moment, we connected without even uttering a word.
At this point in time I was still married to my first wife. That divorce would not be finalized for another couple of months. I had a girlfriend (Loren) back home who was carrying my child, and at that moment in my life, I had just met an angel my first day in Hell.
She was kind, attentive, loving, passionate, beautiful inside and out, and supportive. These traits are something I had not experienced, and it drew me closer to her.
As this new relationship grew and blossomed, the distance, trust issues and arguments with Loren continued to get worse. She was living her life however she chose to live it, and at the same time I was halfway across the world living mine, or the version that I had now created. I had found out that Loren was arrested at a bar during this time; she was 7 months pregnant. Regardless of what Loren was doing, there was no excuse for my behavior or the lies I was living. Here I was cheating on my pregnant girlfriend, yet I had the audacity to get mad at her for doing the same things or things that were not even half as bad - compared to what I was doing.
I was allowed to fly home to witness the birth of my first son, Jackson. During his birth and being able to hold him for the first time, was the only period of that visit where my mind and heart were not in Afghanistan. Seeing that sweet, perfect little human was a moment that will forever be etched into my mind. I was born to be a Dad; I just didn’t realize that I would also be a Dad to another child, from another woman, in the near future.
I loved that woman, always will. I lied about a lot of things, but never about loving her. I left that country with the understanding that I would probably never see or speak to her again. I would just tuck those memories and feelings away and put them in the back of the bottom drawer, only to think of what might have been whenever something reminded me of her.
Loren and I were married shortly after I arrived back in the United States, and we quickly moved to my next duty station. Loren knew nothing about the relationship I had in Afghanistan, and as far as I was concerned, she never would. Loren and I were dating, I cheated, I then ended that relationship, and I married Loren upon my return. That secret life was over and gone. Now it was time to get back the other version of my life. Have you ever hear of a thing called karma? Well mine was on the way, and the cat would soon be out of the bag in an epic fashion.
I believe the email said something like, “I am pregnant and due in December”. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, or what to feel. So, what’s the best way to cover-up a secret? With another secret and more lies of course. I told so many lies during that time that I wouldn’t even be able to remember one if it was recorded and played back for me. I kept this secret up until the very moment I no longer could. Then, I spilled the beans all at once to Loren.
Anger and disbelief were obviously her first reactions. She then decided to take Jackson with her to live in Texas until she thought things out and had time to cool off.
There came a point during the time that Loren was gone that I needed to make a life altering decision. Would I beg for Loren’s forgiveness, or would I end our marriage and try to start a family with the soon-to-be mother of my daughter? After much prayer (yes, I do pray) I knew that my place was to be by Jackson’s side. I would need to try and finish what I started, and to not give up on this new marriage. I knew that deep down with all of my heart that my daughter would be taken care of and raised in a loving home. Jackson would need me, and I was going to be there for him no matter what.
Loren and I began marriage counseling which worked for a while, but even that was just a band aid to try and patch up a marriage that never should have been in the first place. We both mentioned divorce multiple times, and it’s probably safe to say that the majority of our arguments ending with that topic as well. We had our good times, we gamed the game, put on a good show, and we even brought another perfect little human into this world.
Regardless of all that, I was going to pay for the crimes I committed before our marriage, and Loren made sure I never forgot that.
In the beginning Loren was against the idea of me being involved in my daughter’s life, and completely against my family being involved in her life as well. My mom and dad even backed out of a visit with my daughter because of the threats that Loren made. When Loren found out that my family began a relationship with my daughter and her mother, she cut off all contact for nearly a year. She refused to let my mom and dad visit, and for them to even see our children.
Loren would continue to bash my family and curse the Kirk name. An almost daily threat from her was, “I will take your children with me to Texas, and my dad will make sure you never see them again”. I was torn yet again, but I had to be there for my children, and I did whatever I had to do to make sure they were safe and always by my side. I lived this life of being in a loveless and hateful marriage because I knew this was my punishment from God. I deserved to stay with Loren and be forced to pay for my crimes every day for the rest of my life.
My guiding light and reason for living were those perfect little humans that provided me with the purpose and motivation to be a better Dad each and every day.
As the months and years passed, Loren became reluctantly open to me building some sort of relationship with my daughter. Skype was the only way to do that due to the different time zones. I would get on with her just around midnight and talk to her as long as her mother would allow or for as long as I could keep her attention.
During the first few months of me talking to my daughter, Loren would stand right behind the camera or on the side as to not be seen. Nothing was to be said that Loren did not hear, and if her Mother spoke to me about anything or said something that Loren didn’t agree with, she would immediately become enraged and accuse me of cheating or make some other accusation. She would even call my daughter names when she got really upset. Loren was angry, but could you blame her?
Child support for my daughter was a huge issue for Loren and me. To be fair, the child support was not equally split amongst all of the children, and this caused great friction between Loren and me. That is why I worked two jobs nearly the entire time we were at our first duty station. I had to offset the money being sent to my daughter, so Loren’s life was not altered.
Loren strongly encouraged me to file a request for my daughter to become a resident of the current state we were in, to try and lower child support payments. Due to the legality issues with CONUS and OCONUS paternity, the suit went nowhere, and I wasted a few thousand dollars for nothing.
A little while later and in a different state, Loren asked me to yet again file another request for a reduction in child support. It was at this point that my daughter’s mother decided to end the skype sessions. She had lost trust in my intentions of building a relationship with my daughter. Due to her living across the world, and the friction these child support requests continued to cause, I understand why she did not want our Daughter to continue with any contact or Skype sessions.
I have not seen (other than in photos) or spoken to my daughter in over five years. She wouldn’t even know who I am if she walked right up to me. Every year on her birthday, I write her a card and place it with the memories and feelings that are tucked away in the back of that bottom drawer. One day I will finally be able to meet and hold that beautiful angel, and until that day comes my heart will forever yearn for what might have been.
Although she does not know me as her Dad, she is loved beyond measure. I pray that when that day comes, she will allow me to be a part of her life, just as much as I want her to be a part of mine.
I will forever have feelings of sadness and regret for my past behaviors and actions, for the lies I told, the hearts I broke, and for the people I hurt. The only thing I don’t regret is bringing those beautiful children into the world. I’m sure you wonder, if I could take it all back, would I?
I would take back all of the lies and the fake life I was living, but I could never take back those children. They are the most amazing and precious gift a person can receive, and for some reason God gave me those gifts. I am upset with myself for allowing another person to control my life, to force a hand in the decisions I made, and have a say in who I let in or out of my little world. Those type of people, bad people, leave your life for a reason. It makes room for the good people that are coming into it.
Little did I know, in the distant future that those “good people” would be found in Jacksonville, North Carolina.” - John
Marriages are not like elastic. They do not have the resiliency to return to their original state after chaos.
Once they are emotionally damaged by a life-altering secret, it is uncommon that they occupy the ability to survive.
As hard as it may be, the truth is always better than the lies we tell ourselves and others.
Afterall, what’s done in the dark will always come to light…
With special guest-writer - John