“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know.”
How we love ourselves is how we teach others to love us.
Love is one of the most beautiful sensations you will ever experience. Once you fall in love with someone or become loved by another, it acts as a drug that you constantly yearn for.
For many, love comes naturally. Most people are brought into this world with the ability to love and are born already being unconditionally loved. For the ones that are not so lucky, they are forced to learn the art of love in a different way.
Do you think the way we are raised has an effect on how we give and receive love? Possibly.
There are certain ingredients a marriage requires in order to be successful. Among those are honesty, communication, and love.
Why do human beings sometimes convince themselves they are unlovable?
After divorce, it makes sense to go through a phase of feeling defeated. We may begin to convince ourselves that the reason our marriage ended is because we are just not capable of receiving love.
What if you begin having those feelings during your marriage?
“I have been told I was difficult to love since I was a child. Growing up, I didn’t think much of it. It was playful and I considered myself to be special because I was different than other little girls. I was rough, I was cold, and I was passionate. I was born with a feisty, free spirit. A spirit that I believe my parents tried their best to harness, but my will was far too big for wrangling!
I grew up being called a ‘touch-me-not’, an ‘ice princess’, a ‘cactus’. I was my parent’s most strong-willed child for sure. I was going to break free from their ideals of being their “sweet little girl” at any cost. When I became an adult, this turned out to be my kryptonite. I quickly discovered that men were drawn to my mystery, but once they got to know me, I became the opposite of ‘wife material’.
I was rough around the edges, but now the once special view I had about myself, quickly became my biggest insecurity. My first husband was an amazing man, but he was also my first taste of insecurity. He was an outgoing lady’s man that was the life of the party, just about anywhere he went. He let it be known that his usual type of woman looked nothing like me, and I was far too independent and tough to match his “girl next door” preference. So, on to husband number two. Again, a lady’s man. A man who let it be known that he preferred tame, understanding, and step-ford style women.
Do you think I fit any of those criteria? Nope!
During my second marriage I had convinced myself that in order to be what my husband wanted, and to keep him from having another affair or bringing up how his first wife was a better woman than I would ever be, I had to become ‘Susie Homemaker’. I thought I had to be the put-together wife that drove a nice car and carried a designer bag. My children had to be dressed in the best clothes and only eat organic food. I should have meals cooked for him, and a clean home at all times. I did it all….and yet I found that I still was not enough to make him love me.
Good Lord, the fact that those were even rational thoughts in my head once upon a time, crack me up! I was absolutely enough! I was enough whether I was being the picturesque wife or not.
It wasn’t until after my divorce, that I was able to find my way back to my true self again. I had once upon a time convinced myself that no man would ever love me if I wasn’t exactly like the other women they had once loved or like the woman they fell in love with after me. I’m laughing at my old self now, are you laughing too?
Once I found myself again, I will tell you it changed my entire outlook on love. And I mean the love that I gave myself, NOT the love I had been expecting a man to give me. I learned to love my every difference. Every insecurity I once gave to myself (yes, I said gave myself - because no man should ever have the power to give you an insecurity), I now saw as the pieces that made me a whole woman. As a whole and complete woman, then and only then, was I able to allow love from someone else into my world and truly appreciate it.
Here’s why - If I can love every one of my differences - my mess, my moods, my coldness, my ugly - then I already have it all. I do not need a man to make me love myself more or validate who I am. If someone else does not love the strange or crazy things about me, then they can stay where they are planted…out of my world.
As women, we convince ourselves we are unlovable often because of the actions of another. Stop! You are loveable just as you are. If someone else does not see that, then keep them out of your world. You NEED to be loved by the only person that matters, YOU. And to those women who have been given the ‘Scarlet Letter’ of being hard to love - I say, wear it proudly! It simply means that you are rare, and rare is scary to weak men.” – Loren
It is easy for someone to say, “I love you.” It is quite another for you to convince yourself that it is true.
As humans, especially women, we are guilty of constantly doubting ourselves. In turn, this causes us to doubt others. It can lead us to question if the person we love actually loves us and if their intentions are true.
“Growing up, I did not have the best example of what a healthy, loving relationship should look like. The positive examples I received came from watching soap operas with Mamaw and Granny, sitcoms on TGIF, and books I lost myself in.
As you can imagine, those Hollywood, make-believe relationships were something I was not likely to find in small-town Tennessee. Add to that, finding out that the man I called Dad, who had raised me my whole life as his own, was in fact not my biological father – tends to have a large effect on a little girl’s self-esteem. You do not necessarily feel like much of a prize when you realize the person that helped create you never really wanted you.
I always felt empathy for my mom. The older I got and once I became a mother myself, the more I began to understand how hard that must have been for her. She probably felt the need to overcompensate for my father’s lack of love and attention. However, it was never her responsibility to take on that job. Knowing she would walk across fire for me was more than enough.
Although it should not matter what others thought of me, I always worried I was too much for some and not enough for others. When I was a young girl – bless my heart – I was not exactly gifted with good looks. I definitely never belonged on the cover of Teen Magazine. I was more of a ‘please donate to these needy children’ type of pitiful…I mean beautiful. I was never voted prettiest, best dressed, or homecoming queen. Again, those things should not matter, and they certainly do not now, but they did when I was younger. Those body image issues and insecurities are something that have haunted me for years.
Fast forward to my first marriage. Standing in front of God, our families, classmates, and our one year old daughter, a 16 and 20 year old vowed to love each other – ‘til death do us part’. Bless! Our marriage was so volatile, that old age was not the death our marital vows spoke of. The preacher should have said, “Til April ends up on an episode of Snapped do you part!”
Having a husband that was not very forthcoming with the positive comments was no boost to my ego. It also did not help that he forgot he was supposed to stop dating other women once we were married. Thank God we both survived that marriage and learned a great deal on how to become better people from it.
Looking back, I now realize that it was no one else’s job to make sure I felt loved. That responsibility lies within myself. I was never truly able to be loved until I learned to love MYSELF. Now, I am confident in knowing what truly matters - and that is how much I value ME.” -April
Feeling like you are destined to be unloved is a cold and lonely feeling.
Body image issues, growing up without a parent’s love, abuse, failed marriages, and other insecurities can all be reasons we convince ourselves that we are unlovable.
What is important is that we realize every situation we go through in life is just a season.
We have a choice; we must stand the storm and wait for it to pass.
Remember that your past does not define you. Just because you kissed a few toads, does not mean that your prince is not still waiting for you. If you did not peak until after high school, there is still hope.
Honey, you are like a fine wine – you only get better with age.
And, just because some jerk was not mature enough to step up and take care of his responsibilities, does not mean that there is something wrong with you.
You are fabulous.
You are beautiful.
You can be any and all the things your heart desires.
