“I didn’t set out to be a single parent. I set out to be the best parent I could be….and that hasn’t changed.”
When you become a mom, whether it is the first time or the fourth time, it can be intimidating. Becoming a SINGLE mom is downright terrifying. There are several fears that will go through your mind.
What will my financial situation look like? Will I be lonely forever?
Am I strong enough? Will I even survive this journey?
You’re likely reading this to get our tips on being a single mom or to find that secret recipe to happiness in single motherhood.
Well, here they are…
Let’s start at the beginning. Remember that list of expectations you had for yourself and your child when you first became a mom? You know the one.
“Mine included, organic food only, strict bed times, cleaning up messes the moment they happened, staying on top of doctor’s appointments, sending my child to the best schools, doing educational and fun activities with them, taking them to church (you know, because they need to be well rounded), and baths every night.” -Loren
“My list was simple, there was no list. I was a teenager when I first became a mom. I just prayed my water did not break in 3rd period, my mom could watch the baby so I could cheer at the homecoming football game, and that I would still get asked to the prom. The only guidelines I had for my motherhood journey were to finish school and keep that baby alive!” -April
Go ahead and write yours down. Grab a piece of paper and a pen and jot down all the expectations you set for YOUR motherhood journey.
Ok, now take that list…and BURN it! Light that thing on fire!
No one’s journey ever goes exactly as planned. Children do not care about your list; they will most likely vomit or have diarrhea all over it! If you are (UN)lucky enough to become a single mom, you will probably use that list to dry your tears, or as a fire starter for your ex’s clothes.
“I have never fully felt like a single parent. While I have done my end of the parenting without a partner, after my divorce, I am fortunate that my sons’ father is very active in their lives. He has no choice! We are neighbors and share custody. So, basically our kids have no real difference in their lives, other than 8 houses.
But…those houses are vastly different. Dad has the “cool” house and is financially well off. While Mom, um not so much! However, I chose this life. I chose to stay in my children’s lives, I chose to not fight for child support, and I chose to enter into a career field that is very competitive and at times entry level salary pay. I chose this life, because it makes me the best single mom I can be. That may not make sense, but please keep going because you’ll soon see my ‘why’.
I threw all of my expectations of motherhood out the window and waved goodbye. Then I waved hello to the Hot Mess Express, and have been riding that train ever since! It is a free ride by the way. Due to the fact that you are a new passenger and have zero clue where you will be getting off.
I had no one to call when one kid was puking in the middle of the night, the other refused to even go to sleep so he stared at me until midnight, since all four of us shared the same bed because well, I was broke as a joke, and I’m pretty sure there was a mouse in the wall of my 1 bedroom apartment that smelled like weed. See, those “first time mom” expectations did not come in handy on those nights!” -Loren
During the difficult times, make sure you are not comparing the beginning of your journey to the middle of someone else’s.
Not all parenting situations are the same; that goes for the single ones as well. Be proud of yourself, give it your best shot, and learn from the experience.
“I was blessed to have a good career after my divorce. By no means did that equate to me being financially stable. I had a mortgage, bills, and two little girls to care for. I had never been privy to an abundance of money, so being poor was no shock to me. After working all day, coming home to do chores, making sure homework was complete, and baths were given, I barely had the time or energy to spend the $3.79 I had left over at the end of the month. Happy Meals were a staple in my house, and I was on the divorce diet – so it all worked out!
I did not get a lot of sleep or time to myself, and that began to take a toll on my patience and sanity. My family lived eight hours away, and I did not have many friends that were able to help me drive my struggle bus. I wish I could lie and say that I was this amazing mom who did all the right things, but I prefer honesty. I was mediocre at best, my kids ate too many frozen nuggets and pop tarts, and I yelled more than I should have. There were a ton of tears shed, and sometimes the kids cried too.
Since I was a child-bride and teen mom, I did not get the ‘normal’ teenage experiences that my friends did. So, when my girls went with their dad on the weekends, I tried to make the most of my time as a young adult. I went through a little wild stage where I was a regular at the local honkytonk bar on dollar beer night. Not my finest hour but, at the time, I felt the need to exist somewhere other than my reality.” -April
If we had to choose the single most important survival skill in the battle of single motherhood, it would be to take time for yourself. You are a better mom when you take care of you. Try to stay organized and have a routine and schedule, but it is not the end of the world if you falter from that.
Pick your battles and surround yourself with as much positivity as you possibly can!
Utilize your village, and never be afraid to ask for help.
“Here is how I managed, and still manage to conquer single motherhood everyday:
At the end of every day, I ask myself 3 questions:
1 - Are my kids happy? I mean they likely hate me, but are they basically happy children?
2 - Are my kids healthy? AKA, did they eat 3 meals plus 100,000 snacks?
3 - Do my kids know that I love them? Better yet, did I smother them with kisses and yell at them an equal amount?
If my answer is yes to all three, then I feel successful. That gets me through the next day, and the next day, and the next day. It can feel like Groundhog Day at times, but I would much rather have a repetition of familiar chaos and routine, than not knowing if I will be able to feed my kids from day to day. (Oh yes, I have been there too!)
Guess what? My kids have never known the struggles I felt. I have perfected the art of swallowing every pain and struggle, and THAT is the key to successfully conquering being a single parent. You are not the superhero in this story. A higher power is the superhero, but YOU are the shield they carry. You are at times the only thing standing between your child and the negativity of this world. You do not have to give your child a perfect life; that is not realistic, in my opinion. Your job is to protect their innocence, and everything else will become mere noise. In reality, all my boys will ever complain about or have an understanding towards is the usual whoa a 9-year-old boy would complain about: “Why did my parents take my Xbox from me again?” Talk about a first world problem! That is a win in my eyes. My son doesn’t feel the angst of his parent’s failures of marriage, he is simply upset that his Xbox obsession is being taken away from him, which most children his age can relate to.” -Loren
“When I look back on my journey, I am proud of how far I have come. I learned so much about myself during those hard times. The most important lesson I could pass on, is that motherhood is a gift. Some days that gift is nicely wrapped, other days it comes in the form of a turd sandwich.
Your children do not care if they have homecooked meals or takeout. They could care less if you buy their clothes at Wal-Mart or Neiman Marcus. What they want and what they need is a mother that is happy. I wish I had not spent as much time trying to be the perfect mother and just enjoyed the precious time I had with my babies. In the end, all that mattered was that I did my best and I never gave up.
My girls may have gone to bed with dirty faces and stinky toes, but they never went to sleep feeling like they were not the most loved little girls in the whole world. I may not have been able to buy them everything they wanted, but I gave them something much more precious – memories of a happy childhood. They did not know we struggled, nor did they see me cry myself to sleep. They may have seen me scream like a scalded ape, but hey – it builds character!
I may not have been the world’s greatest mom, but I did the best I could. Are there things I would do different? Absolutely. However, when I look at what amazing women I raised, I know that in all that chaos, I must have done something right.” -April
If you are a single mom, whether struggling or thriving, you are killing the game.
You are present, you are loving your children, and you are giving them a gift of the example of unconditional love. So, take a deep breath, relax your shoulders (because they carry enough weight), and give yourself a pat on the back.
Don’t be so hard on yourself!
You deserve recognition for waking up every day and doing it all over again. Get mad but get over it.
Take it one day at a time.
If you feel like you failed today, there’s always tomorrow - fresh and clean and ready to be conquered!
