“Family Court: A place where showing love is classified as being emotionally unstable. Contacting your child is classified as harassment. False allegations are encouraged and accepted. Perjury is accepted. The truth is ignored, and you pay to see someone that is already yours.”
That perfectly sums up the life that we lived in for two and a half years. Unethical, heartbreaking, and alienating of both parents and children.
In an ideal world, moms and dads would never find themselves in the circumstance of divorce, let alone a bitter custody battle for their children. However, there are systems in place that were designed specifically to aid people through a divorce and custody battle, in hopes of legally doing what is right for all parties involved.
Once upon a time, this was deemed as not only necessary, but as a tool of relief for people that perhaps did not know how to civilly resolve differences on their own. A relief of some sort has been given to the courts, because we are able to hand our burdens off to another entity that will fight on our behalf.
There is an old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do”, and we could not urge you to abide by that more than when you read about our previous custody battle. Since we have been there and done that. we want to let you in on:
The 5 Steps to Staying Out of Court
Let Go
In order to move forward in a positive way, you must be willing to let go of any expectations you may have for how your custody discussions and agreement will go.
It is also important to let go of the past. Leave the past where it belongs…behind you. The issues from your marriage and divorce do not belong in this aspect of your situation. If you are not willing to let go, you will never be able to put the needs of your children first. They are the most important, and you must never forget that.
2. Trust
One very important element that is lost during divorce is the trust you once held for your ex-partner. However, it is a very important piece of the puzzle you will need in order to develop your new relationship with your co-parent. We highly recommend that you attempt to regain that trust, or at least a new version of it.
Do your very best to build a newfound trust with your ex. Do not just assume that since they may have been dishonest in the past, the same will hold true in your new likeness. This is a new journey, with new obstacles to face. In order to do what is best for your children, you must develop a certain trust for your co-parent.
3. Compromise
Have you ever heard that you have to give a little to get a little? You will find this to be very evident when navigating your new co-parenting relationship. Remember when you were told that marriage is about compromise? Well, just because the marriage ended, does not mean your ethics did as well.
Try to keep an open mind when negotiating time with your children. Avoid making demands. Instead, attempt to cooperate as best you can. If you show that you are willing to give in with certain circumstances, your co-parent is more likely to do the same.
4. Nobody is a winner
The sooner you understand that everyone wins when no one wins, the better off you will be. Are you confused? Good. No one said positive co-parenting was easy to grasp. Nothing worth having comes free.
Your children are not items. They are not an object that you pass around like a new toy on the playground. Winning would be you and your ex living happily ever after in the same home while you both see your children every single day and no one missed out on a single thing. That is not your reality; you are divorced. It took both of you to bring your children into the world, and it will take you both - plus many others - to raise that child.
5. Mediation
There are times that no matter how hard you try, you are simply unable to agree on every single thing. Still, dragging your children through a bitter custody battle is not the right answer. Mediation can be a much simpler, less stressful, and more cost-effective option for you and your family. Mediators simply take your suggestions and present it to your co-parent. The topics go back and forth until you both come to a mutual agreement that makes everyone feel at ease.
That sounds simple enough. So simple, that you can even do it sans mediator. Email your desires to your co-parent. They may counter your request with something a little different. That is fine. Remember when we told you about compromise? This is where that will come in handy!
“I have never been more disappointed with our justice system and ethics, as I am with what I experienced in custody court in Onslow County North Carolina. I am calling out this county, but I know that there are counties all across America that behave the same way - unethically.
To say that I was overlooked and shamed by them would be an understatement. What was allowed during my trials and battle, was detrimental to my entire life and has forever impacted me. If it weren’t for April, I would have been swallowed up by the system, had I continued to be harassed and my character assassinated by my ex-husband’s attorney. My privacy, my reputation, my career, and my finances were run through Hell and back.
I will never be able to recover from what was done to me nor fully get over the lies and terrorization that was thrown at me. I can only say that I never gave up.
I will never give up. Throwing out our case, and finding another way was the best F&%# you I have ever felt.” -Loren
“It actually makes me physically ill when I think back on the time we spent battling it out in court over child custody. Although it made so much sense to us then, it seems insanely ridiculous now. We spent so much time going back and forth, trying to prove who was the better parent and who was not, airing all of our dirty laundry, often making a horse’s behind of ourselves, and treating our children like they were some prize we won at the county fair that should be divvied up equally.
I think back on my divorces and how thankful I am that I never had to put my biological children through that. However, I am saddened that we were all too stubborn to do the same for my bonus babies. They say you cannot take back the past, but if I had it to do all over again, I would definitely not be a willing participant in another custody battle.
Anger. Anger is what fueled the battle we tirelessly fought. That anger derived from unhealed hurt. It was fueled by the inability to let go and the desire to be right and prove a point. What point? The point that we were willing to allow perfect strangers to decide the fate of our children. The point that proved we were determined to win at all costs. The point that proved how ignorant we all were.
Over 300 years of Xbox LIVE memberships, an all-expense paid trip to a tropical destination for my entire family, two-years at a community college for all four of our sons, 250 months of groceries, and 28 pairs of Christian Louboutin shoes – those are just a few of the things we could have purchased with the amount of money we spent in attorney fees. If I was not sick already, that surely did me in!” -April
We get it, there are certain circumstances where hiring an attorney is necessary.
That is understandable. For all the other times, having a long, drawn out, expensive legal battle should be your last resort. You created your children out of love. (Unless it was a one-night stand, and in that case, we are sure you loved what you were doing in that moment.)
Would you put the life of your children in someone else’s hands? Most likely not.
During a fight for custody, the hands you are trusting to “win” your battle, have never held YOUR children. They do not know YOUR children. Essentially, you are trusting a stranger with your child’s entire life and existence.
For what?
Is it because you want to win against someone you felt wronged you at one time?
Think about the long term affects this will have, instead of the shear moment of victory you may feel.
Victory comes when you and your co-parent are both watching your child hold your new grandchild for the first time. If, in that moment, your child looks at you both as an example, with admiration and respect, that is a win!
