“What a mishap when two souls, at different seasons in life, unite. Even though they would likely be perfect for one another, they cannot merge, because the timing is not right.”
Do you believe in fate? That two hearts who are meant to be will find each other, no matter what.
Do you believe that everyone has a person they were innately designed for? That when the time is right, you will find your one true love.
What if your one and only, show stopping, got to have it, one true love…is already taken. That person is someone else’s husband.
Then you move on! You find another true love; one that is not already spoken for.
But, what do you do when you just cannot move on? When you are drawn to this person like a moth to a flame, like a magnetic field that you are unable to pull away from. You know it’s wrong, yet you are incapable of controlling your desire for this person.
Are you a terrible human being for even thinking such a thing? Or are you only awful if you act on your desires?
“I was 21 years old, when a smoldering, older man swept me off my feet with his smooth voice and grand gestures. Was I naive? Sure. I was also a grown adult and had recently separated from my first husband. I grasped on to this older man and his words…words that melted my every fiber like I had never experienced before.
Our affair began over the summer and evolved into late winter.
What intrigued me the most about this man was that he was married, and I was his dirty little secret. Not exactly the classiest thing I have ever done, however, I am here to be raw. What I yearned for during that time was the adrenaline rush I got from sneaking around town and dodging all the bullets. The rush was intoxicating. We would drive miles away from our town to places that we knew no one would recognize us or so those we were hiding from would ever see us. We became hotel elitists, as this was the only place we could find complete secrecy.
When I speak about being a mistress, I was just that. My role went from one of utter secrecy, to blatant actions. We became inseparable.
My much older lover bought me presents, co-signed for my new car, and helped pay my rent. We even got matching tattoos to solidify this sick love we felt we possessed over one another. He would stay with me on nights where he and his wife were fighting, and yes, on occasion I would stay at his home with him - the home he shared with his wife.
I remember several occasions when I would drive to where he worked, and we would stay in a hotel. I will never forget the particular day I drove to the hotel and passed by his wife who was casually walking down the street while on her lunch break. The rush and instant hate for myself swarmed my soul. I felt evil. Yet, knowing I was not alone in crime only validated the evil act. I was reassured that he saw his marriage as being good as gone. For some unknown reason, I felt a high from this “compliment” that I could be the reason why.
What I did not consider, was where our relationship was actually going. We briefly discussed dating and our future. He stated that he wanted children, and that his current wife did not. I had never thought of having children, but I knew it was something I was willing to give him if the stars aligned.
Well, the stars did not align. Instead, the forces of Karma aligned and hit me with an unexpected human that started growing in me within two months from the time he told his wife he officially wanted a divorce. In that moment, “Oh, shit!” became my only thought.
The pregnancy of our love child began to give me a sense of empowerment. I was assured that the man I wanted must now want me with equal urgency, seeing as I was carrying his child. What a naive thought.
Unbeknownst to me, was the news of his hasty volunteer for a yearlong deployment he had recently received. All of 7 weeks pregnant, I said goodbye to the father of my unborn baby. In an instant, I began struggling to finding my place in his world. I felt a burden, and a new sense of paranoia swooned over me.
Word got around about the potential identity of my baby’s father, and I quickly became protective of both my child and my man. I denied any and all claims about who the baby’s father was. Dodging several bullets from anyone who was eager to open an investigation on our infidelity.
I gave the term, “Stand by your man,” a whole new meaning.
We began to talk about our life after he returned. Months went by, and we started to argue far more than we ever had in the past. Those arguments derived from interactions he would have with his soon-to-be ex-wife, as well as me with my soon-to-be ex-husband. There were several times where we wanted to throw in the towel all together. Then, he would call me, and hearing the fear in his voice from what he was going through over there always brought me back to wanting to be his calm and peace in it all.
Over the course of 9 months, we talked at least once a week. I always held on to the idea that when we reunited, he would fall madly in love with me and our child. However, when I saw him for his two-week R&R, in which our son was born, it was like meeting a stranger. He didn’t want me; he wanted nothing to do with me, and everything surrounding his visit felt distant.
It wasn’t until he returned to Afghanistan, for the remaining 5 months, that I realized my giant mistake. I knew I should have run. My confliction came from the fact that we had brought a child into the mess we created, and I felt lost without him. I felt like I needed him to provide for our child, and I believed every promise he made to me.
Looking back nearly 10 years ago, I was nothing more than a weak woman. I was someone who desperately regretted her every decision in life. The only logical way to correct it was to prove to him – to myself and everyone else - that we could make our marriage and family work.
Six years of marriage and three kids later, I still stand by my original gut instinct…to run. Only, six years later, was when I became finally brave enough to do it.
My heart still hurts and regrets my actions from 10 years ago. I struggle with the thought of ever wanting to take any of it back. Because, out of it all, I have three of the greatest blessings in my life - my sons. I would walk through everything all over again, just for them.” -Loren
Who suffers when someone is unfaithful in a marriage?
Obviously, the spouse that is being cheated on. Do you think it is possible for the person having the affair to also be affected negatively? Maybe they realize what they are doing is wrong and it is hurting someone they love and care about.
Children can also be affected by an affair. Even though they are most likely not privy to the dirty details, they still suffer. Your child can sense tension in your relationship, no matter how hard you try to hide it. They can also feel when their parents are preoccupied and not able to give them the full attention they desire.
For the person that finds out the one they love has been unfaithful, next to nothing compares to the hurt that consumes your heart.
Every inch of your body is riddled with anguish and pain.
Nights are the worst, when you are sitting alone wondering where the one you love is and who they are with. The person that vowed to never hurt you and love you forever, is making those same promises to someone else.
You ponder what you could have done differently.
Could you have been a better wife or husband? Is it because you gained too much weight during your pregnancy? Or that your job is so stressful, and the debt is piling up so much that you are on edge and tired all the time.
The truth is, there is nothing YOU could have done to ensure your spouse would remain faithful. The fault is not yours; it lies in the one who committed the act.
Some people are just not cut out for marriage.
You can be the perfect spouse, and still not be good enough. That is not your issue. There is absolutely nothing wrong with YOU!
“It was bad enough that I was the laughingstock of the high school halls. Being a teen mom did not secure my spot as “most likely to succeed”. The icing on the cake were the whispers and “I told you so’s” coming from everyone that knew my marriage was doomed from its very inception.
I remember the first time I had suspicions that my husband was cheating on me. It is funny how you can convince yourself that something is not true for the simple fact that you so badly do not want it to be. Even at a very young age, I never liked to come to a debate without being fully prepared. I most certainly never wanted to be accusatory without having solid proof.
The beautiful thing about an affair is that it is almost always done in secrecy. You know what they say, everything that is done in the darkness always comes to light…
I recall in great detail the first time I caught my husband having an affair. After the spectacle that took place during the confrontation, I somehow convinced myself that it was my fault. I forgave him, and we made another attempt at repairing our marriage.
At the time, I did not feel I had much of a choice. I was 18 and pregnant with my second child. There were not many young men beating down the door for their chance at becoming my suitor. Not that I needed a man; I was a strong and independent…child bride! Who am I kidding - I needed a man! At least, that is what I thought.
The next time, I was brave enough to leave. That one hurt the worst. I am not sure if it hurt more because I never fully healed from the last time or because she was someone that I considered to be one of my closest friends, or the fact that they were brazen enough to do it right under my nose.
Of course, that separation was short lived. I decided to try one last time. Glutton for punishment, or just plain dumb - you can be the judge.
If I remember correctly, the promises to change and rekindling of our romance lasted about a month, maybe two, before I suspected another woman had caught the eye of my husband.
That one sent me over the edge. That one brought out my alter ego, that side of a woman that you never want to see. I am pretty sure I should have been committed for the things I did, said, and thought. I put up a good fight, but in the end, I bowed out. I did not lose, at least not in my mind. I merely attempted to walk away with a shred of the dignity I had left.” -April
You can recover from an affair, if you are willing to work hard and forgive.
We ado not believe that if you are once a mistress or a mister, that you will always be those things.
The key is, as with most things in life, that you learn from your mistakes. Do not allow your past mistakes to define you.
If you are not ready for marriage, stay single or play the field. If you need some spice in your marriage, create it!
If you are truly unhappy with your spouse and there is absolutely no amount of COUNSELING or communicating that will repair that relationship, set them free.
Having another man or woman on the side to fulfill your cravings while you are married is never the answer.
It is not worth destroying another soul simply for your selfish desires.
