“Family teaches you to love without holding back. It shows you how important it is to accept people and the differences we have, no matter how hard it is”
The family we have is not always blood, and sometimes we do not get to choose our family. In the case of blending an extended family after marriage, you are blessed with a new group of people who love and support you. When bonds are built and you are accepted into your new family, it is a blessing.
However, when there is turmoil in a relationship, it is often the outside family that has a difficult time moving past the issue. We have all heard the term, “Do not air your dirty laundry.” This holds especially true in marriage and relationships.
Family is protective, as they should be.
We have to respect the bond that families have with one another.
The bond between a married couple should also be appreciated and acknowledged. Disagreements can and will occur in a marriage. It is likely that even after you have moved on from an argument, your family will take a little more time to do so.
“When I first met my ex-husband’s family, I admit it was not under the most flattering of circumstances. It went something like this: I was 22 years old and 4 months pregnant. My 30-year-old baby-daddy was deployed halfway around the world. Oh, and he was still very much married to his first wife - whom his family loved.
Needless to say, the word ‘awkward’ was not even near enough to describe my first meeting with his family. On the flip side of that, my own family were not the biggest fans of my soon-to-be baby’s daddy.
However, both families did their best at putting on a supportive and brave face for us. Truth be told, we both come from very good families.
When my husband’s love child was brought to light, the betrayal and hurt that I felt from his family was difficult to move past. But, I did, and we became closer than ever. I was especially close with my mother-in-law.
When things started to take a turn in our marriage, I began to not only see, but feel, a very clear divide with our families. It was like the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s.
Fast forward several years later to the end of our marriage. I will never forget the day that my ex-husband took our sons for a visitation to my in-law’s home. He then made the decision to not return them to me. (Earlier blog for reference to this story.) That day was the last time I spoke to my mother-in-law. I was as good as gone to them, and they made sure I felt it.
I knew I was never a highly welcomed member of the family, but to be forgotten and to never be asked about my side of the divorce, broke my heart.
I had no right in knowing how to be a wife or mother, let alone a daughter-in-law at 22 years old. I did my best, and they watched me grow up and create our little family. I felt like I had done all I could as a daughter-in-law, to make sure they were involved grandparents, and that I was someone they could trust. Even more, I felt like they were people I could trust. They were people who would be on my side and love me even after divorce.
That did not turn out to be the case, and that is ok. Sometimes I think that family can be a temporary piece in life. They taught me a great deal about myself, and how I saw family. They brought me closer to mine.
I grew to have an even greater appreciation for my own family and to embrace the crazy that we are. Above all, I learned what kind of mother-in-law I hope to be someday. I want to be able to welcome in a new addition to our family and make sure they feel loved and supported, no matter what.
I have had no contact with my former in-laws, and do not expect to. I love that they are loving and caring grandparents to my sons. I love that my ex-husband is close to them so I know he will be in contact with them about our sons and never let them lose that relationship. In the end, I have let go of the hurt and resentment I once had towards my former family.” - Loren
Whether we want to admit it or not, after conflict occurs in a marriage and outside family are privy to the discord, lines will likely be drawn, and sides will be taken.
Divorce often draws those lines in bright red, and both sides are defensively armed and ready. Even if a positive co-parenting relationship is built, the former families are often not as willing to forgive and forget the past.
“I grew up watching my mother not get the respect she deserved from my dad’s mother, as well as my stepdad’s parents. Even though I was too young to fully understand what was going on, I knew that there was an elephant in the room each time we were all together.
As I became older, I was able to understand the source of that tension a little better.
Due to the circumstances that occurred before Jerry and I were married, I was not considered a ‘favorite’ among his family. I never really understood their reasoning behind why they disliked me, I mean – I am just so darn likable, I couldn’t imagine why they were not head over heels for me! It was not until years after our divorce that I became close with him mother. She is as sweet as tea to me now. I still visit her every time I go back to Tennessee.
When I met Roy’s family, you could say I was a bit intimidated. We did not exactly come from the same side of the tracks. He was more of a “Cleaver” and I was more of a “Bundy”. I remember pulling up to their beautiful home and being mesmerized by formal place setting that donned the dinner table. His family was everything I had ever dreamed of. In my eyes, they were the perfect, all-American family.
Even though I did not feel like I fit in to their picture-perfect lifestyle, they welcomed me – and my two daughters – with open arms. When Roy and I got married, my father was in prison. Without hesitation, Roy’s father walked me down the aisle to marry his oldest son. For me, that solidified my acceptance to the family.
Throughout our marriage, I grew exceedingly close to Roy’s parents, especially his mother. She was in the delivery room when we welcomed our son into the world. Among her many talents, she is a wizard in the kitchen and taught me so many things. Sure, like all families do, we had disagreements. We never let it come between the bond that we had created. At one time, I considered Roy’s mother to be one of my very best friends.
Our divorce came as a shock to most people, as I am sure it did them. I never imagined Roy and I would end our marriage, but even more so, I never dreamed that my relationship with his family would come to a screeching halt. It was hard enough losing the man I imagined spending the rest of my life with, not to mention losing the family I had always wanted and grown so fond of.
It has been over three years since I have spoken to them, unless you count the awkward hello exchanged at soccer games.
I understand that divorce affects people in many different ways, however it pains me to see a bond dissipate after 15 years of being so closely intertwined.” - April
You know that feeling of being left out? All your friends attend a party that you weren’t invited to. That can be compared to the feeling of abandonment after a marriage ends.
When you say, “I do,” you gain an additional family.
For some, that is a welcomed notion.
For others, it can be a source of tension.
When you say, “I don’t,” those tensions grow astronomically.
In a perfect world, adults will handle divorce with maturity and intelligence. However, that is not always the case.
When children are a product of that marriage, it is even more pertinent for in-laws and exes to bury the hatchet. Just as conflict between parents can cause anxiety and stress on children, the same can be said for friction between parents and ex in-laws.
We believe it is extremely important to maintain civil relationships with all of your children’s extended family, when possible.
It is necessary to keep in mind that the children born from a marriage were made possible by both parents. Just as those children deserve a relationship with their mother and father, they also deserve a relationship with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on both sides of the fence.
“It’s not what we have in life, but who we have in our life that matters.”
