“It doesn’t take a lot of strength to hang on. It takes a lot of strength to let go.”
So many times, when we are in relationships that are not meant to be, we attempt to find any way possible to make it work. We come up with excuses for bad behavior, we try to “fix” the other person, we may even turn into someone that we are not in order to please our other half.
When all those attempts crash and burn, we somehow get the bright idea that having a baby will make it all better.
Sure, that absolutely sounds like an amazing idea. Sign us up for a slew of those - and make it a double!
What in the trailer park are you thinking?
Babies do not repair failing relationships! They are not just something you pick out at your local Wal-Mart.
Babies are not a heal-all for your declining marriage.
With that being said, remaining married for the next hundred years simply for the sake of the children, is one of the worst ideas. As a matter of fact, it ranks right up there with Crocs. It may seem like a good thing at the time, but you will look back years from now and bless your own heart.
Studies have consistently shown that divorce is not what hurts children, it is actually the amount of conflict between the parents that cause more damage.
This speaks volumes in itself and really should be screamed louder for the people in the back.
It cannot be repeated enough, that staying in an abusive, unhealthy, unfaithful, or unloving relationship for the children is not the solution.
Giving your child a healthy environment, where they are shown a positive example of love and a healthy relationship, is a far greater gift to them than giving them the idea of a normal family.
Here is a concept, which we hope more people will come to embrace - family comes in ALL shapes, sizes, colors, and genders.
Two parents in one home is beautiful, but two (or more) parents in separate homes, who are thriving and happy, is just as beautiful.
“Family (noun); A unique blend of individuals living, laughing, learning and loving their way through life.”
A child is not given the choice to choose the family they are born into. As parents, it is our responsibility and gift to them to select the family we surround them with. Let us offer a piece of advice: the people surrounding your child should be caring, kind, loyal, loving, and safe.
If two biological parents are not all of those things under the same roof, there is a good chance they should be under separate roofs, thriving as individuals and in turn as parents.
So, what are the possible long-term effects of staying in a marriage for the sake of the children?
First and foremost, we forfeit the ability to teach them first-hand what a healthy relationship looks like. The first insight children have on what to expect from grown-up relationships is learned from watching their parents. Making sure we lay a strong and solid foundation is extremely important.
In order for our children to learn how to treat their future spouse, or how they should be treated by their spouse, we must plant the seed at an early age. It is up to us, as parents, to make sure our children never settle for less than they deserve.
Second, as hard as it is to admit, we are causing trauma in our child’s life. Whether they are witnessing abuse, isolation, neglect, or assault, it is in some way damaging to their health and well-being. Children who grow up in a hostile home are more likely to suffer from PTSD in adulthood.
It will do far more destruction to your children if you stay together in misery, than if you divorce once they become adults. You will show your children more strength by choosing to remove them from a toxic situation than teaching them to live in the pain.
Third, and what we feel is extremely important, our children are growing up with a parent or parents who are not whole. In turn, this inadequacy is projected onto the children.
Let us be clear, YOU are the only one that can give your child a happy and whole parent. Your child depends on you for their strength and joy. If that is not seen because you are hindered by a loveless or abusive relationship, or even just the stress of holding on to an unhealthy relationship, your child will feel it!
You can only “fake it until you make it” for so long.
Part of being a good parent, is the ability to practice self-care.
How can you expect to take care of your child, when you are not whole?
Humans expect to be able to do it all and be the best at whatever they do. We are so hard on ourselves, often times being our own worst critics.
In order to truly live a fulfilling life, we must escape from the idea that our lives need to be perfect.
Marriage is a wonderful and beautiful thing.
Sometimes, even the most beautiful things perish.
As hard as it can be to accept that, it is even more detrimental to force something that is not meant to be.
There are plenty of things in this world that will damage our children. Let’s not give them one more trauma to heal from.
