“Your child will become what you are. So be what you want them to be.” -David Bly
After a divorce, you begin to heal and rebuild your life. You start with letting go, forgiving, and moving on.
We do all that we can to forget our ex and the painful ending of what was supposed to last forever.
For most people, divorce means not having to see your ex as often, or at all. It means taking time to work on yourself and fix all that was broken during the demise of the relationship.
But what happens when you cannot seem to get away from your ex?
Physically you are no longer married to that person, mentally you have let go, and literally you have moved on. Figuratively, however, you still live with your ex each and every day…only this time it is in the form of a much smaller version of them.
What are you supposed to do when you are raising a miniature rendition of your ex?
“Jackson aka John’s clone - we really did copy and paste that child. He is a spitting image of his father. First of all, thank God I have a handsome ex-husband, because his clone is very handsome…in my opinion!
With that being said, looking at Jack is like looking at his father. How can it be so difficult to see Jack as his own little person, when he looks and acts so much like the man who once broke my heart? It doesn’t seem possible, but I am here to tell you it is!
Often times, I have to stop and remind myself that I am not arguing with John, and Jack is only a child who has no idea of the traits he is mimicking or probably just genetically gifted with. There are so many qualities he shares with his father that I am grateful for, but then there are some that make me wonder if they will lead him to make some of the same decisions his father did. Then again, I wonder that same thing about my own mini-me - aka Jagger.
Something I recently tried doing in order to combat seeing only the John in Jack, was to back track a bit and recognize where John and I are similar. Seeing those similarities, I would force myself to see the ME in Jack and not only the John. Or sometimes, see it as ‘Oh yeah, he is just like both of his parents. We are both similar in that.’
By doing this, I started to see more and more of myself in my child and placed less of John in his actions, just based on the fact that he looks so much like him. Jack will say things so literally sometimes, and while he may look like a spitting image of his father while saying it, his statement is often something that mirrors me.
I am still learning how to parent the ex out of my child, but in doing that I am learning I have a lot more ME to parent out than I thought!” -Loren
We tend to try and raise our children better than our parents raised us. We also try even harder to raise them to be better human beings than we see ourselves.
We are determined to educate these tiny humans to be the best versions of themselves as possible. It is, after all, our job - right?
One of the hardest parts of parenting, is parenting the ‘YOU’ out of your child.
But what if you and your child’s other parent are no longer together. Better yet, what if that child is a miniature version of them?
How do you tactfully parent your ‘EX’ out of your child?
Is that even realistic?
“When Jerry and I separated, I did everything I could to get as far away from his as possible. I am not sure why I thought it would be a good idea to move back to my tiny hometown where we first met. The memories of where it all began spun around me in every direction I went. Moving on was not really an option in my small town, although I gave it a shot.
I did my best to focus on my children, my career, and starting a new life right where my old one was created. The last thing I wanted was a daily reminder of what could have been, had Jerry and I been mature enough to make our marriage work. However, I had two very big reminders – and there was no getting away from them.
Hayli and Taylar were my everything! They were the only thing that kept me both sane and insane during that time of my life. Being as young as I was and going through a nasty divorce, all while being a single mom, was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done.
Just when I thought I was in the clear and beginning to turn the page – I realized that Jerry was still with me each and every day. Only this time – he was in the form of a much tinier and feminine version of himself.
Taylar was very quick to remind me that the divorce from her father was all my fault. She was steady with her stink-eye towards me. Let’s not forget that she made sure I never forgot that she was not my biggest fan and I was not her favorite person.
That precious little girl that Jerry and I created, the one I loved with every bit of my being, had become a tiny terrorist in my two-bedroom apartment. It appeared the harder I tried, the more she loathed my existence. Nine months I carried that child along with several hours of labor, and it seemed not one ounce of me transferred into her blood and bones. She was her father, through and through.
During that time, I could not stand Jerry. He hurt me, and the last thing I wanted to do was think about him – let alone see him every single day. But there he was…in the form of our spawn! There were several days that I had to take my own time-outs, while reminding myself that “this too shall pass”.
I would like to say that Taylar and I were able to overcome our little dilemma, but that would be stretching the truth. It turns out that we did learn to coexist as mother and daughter who looked and acted just like her father.” -April
It is funny how life happens. Just when you think things are finally starting to make sense, life throws you a little plot twist.
Sometimes, that plot twist comes in the form of a little chucky doll that looks just like your ex. Only, there are no seances that are performed to get your ex’s spirit out of your spawn.
We just have to say a few extra prayers and hope for the best.
Even though you may become frustrated, it is important to be the best parent possible at all times. Remember that you created that child out of love (or good whiskey), and it is our job to love them unconditionally.
No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to parent the ex out of your child.
Rest assured that your magnificent creation is equal parts of the two of you – and bask in the fact that, undoubtedly, your ex will also see a lot of you in that child.
When all else fails, that is why God turned the water into wine!
