“Chances are your former spouse has a different parenting style than you, with some conflicting rules. Rather than stress yourself about these differences, learn to accept that life is never consistent and that it may actually be beneficial for your kids to experience other ways of doing things." -Huff Post Divorce
We have discussed the blending of our families many times before. In fact, our entire brand is based on co-parenting and blended families.
In a previous blog, April explained how she felt when she first began dating John and when they were newly married – in terms of her role as a parental figure to his children.
If you have followed our journey, you know it has not always been a peaceful one. In the beginning, Loren was hesitant of April taking a leading role as an active ‘parent’ to her boys.
My, how times have changed. Gone are the days of Loren’s skepticism and hesitancy. A new mindset has been awakened and explored.
“During the stage where it was difficult for John and Loren to amicably co-parent, I was happy to step in and help where I was needed.
My personality, while at first very off-setting to Loren, became a welcomed and accepted asset to our family dynamic. We both slowly began understanding what each other brought to the table – both in our strengths and our weaknesses.
Once we began working as a team, it became much easier for the moms to take charge, for lack of a better term.
I remember always thinking - very quietly and to myself – that I hoped one day Loren would understand where I was coming from as a mother. I, ever so lovingly and without malice, wished for the day that she would become a bonus mom.
Only then could she truly comprehend and relate to what I was going through and understand why I handled things the way I did.
Now that our relationship has grown to become extremely strong and our bond is so special, I am proud to be her partner in not only our co-parenting journey, but the one she is on individually – now on her side of the fence.” -April
It is so interesting how our perspectives change during different seasons of our lives.
One minute we are head-strong in our beliefs and the next we are rolling with the punches and taking whatever life throws at us. Parenting is much the same. As we evolve in our motherhood and fatherhood, our children contemplate ways to keep us on our toes.
“Speak deliciously, for you may have to eat it.”
How easy it is to predetermine what you would do in a certain situation, but things can change once you are actually placed in that position. Oh, how quick we are to modify the rules, so they assist our own personal agendas.
We have been guilty of that numerous times in our co-parenting world.
“As I am stepping into a new role of bonus parent, I find myself reevaluating A LOT of my own parenting ideas. I have also began questioning my perception on what I thought being a bonus parent looked like.
I have cheated a little in my training because I do have April (The OG), to whom I run to with questions and panic attacks. I also have my own personal experience of being the bio mom and watching another woman parent my children - which at one time was enough to make my skin crawl.
I really thought that moms - and by moms, I mean BIO moms - knew best. That was until I started co-parenting with people outside of my co-parenting world. I’ll be more specific: a man.
Men parent different than women, and this holds true whether you are bio parents or bonus parents. I have watched as John plays the “Fun Dad” and it unnerves me. However, I have also watched as my new partner do the same.
So, what gives? Do all men step into the role of fun parent, or do they need guidance from the female figure in the relationship? I am really asking because I have no idea. I just know at times, in all of my co-parenting world, I feel I can parent easier with the other moms, than with the dads.
My partner tends to parent much differently than I do. We raise our children with different beliefs, parenting styles, and traditions. Finding the balance has been tricky at times. For example, I do not raise my children with the belief of Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy, and he does.
Early on in our relationship we had to decided how it was we were going to navigate things like this. Split our family up at Christmas? Pray they don’t lose a tooth while at our home?
If you know me, you know that I am far from a Type A personality. I do not like to take charge, though I will if necessary. Parenting with someone new, and blending our children, has tested my patience level beyond what I ever expected.
I have had to sit by at times and bite my tongue, wondering if it is a moment I should speak up and take charge, or just let him navigate on his own. The balance I have not found just yet, but the good lord is definitely teaching me patience!
The line we walk when blending two different styles is finer than frog hair! Patience and a little tact with communication, can go a long way. I learned that offering suggestions, got me further than just stating something as if it were fact. In turn, my partner has taught me that things can still get done, even if it is not the way I have set in my mind that it should be done.
Compromise will be your best friend when co-parenting or parenting with someone else. Listening to why it is they do things the way they do them, or why certain things do not bother them, and very much bother you, could give you a new perspective on your own style of parenting." -Loren
When blending a family and working on creating a positive co-parenting relationship, it is so important to look at the situation from many different angles.
It is not always crucial or necessary to reinvent the wheel, but it doesn’t hurt to grease it up every now and then.
Co-parenting is like shopping for new clothes. You cannot always pull something from the rack and pray it works out. Sometimes it is imperative that we try on a few different styles until we find the one that works best for our design.
At times, it is essential to your sanity and survival to try out different styles of co-parenting until you find the one that works best in your dynamic.
You shouldn’t run a marathon in someone else’s shoes, and we don’t recommend attempting to wrangle someone else’s circus.
Do whatever it takes to build YOUR family on YOUR terms.
Occasionally, it is acceptable to write your own rule book!
