“First and foremost, we need to be the adults we want our children to be.” -Brenè Brown
Parental Alienation is defined as the process by which a child is separated from one parent by manipulation on behalf of the other parent.
Often times the children are used as leverage of manipulation tools in order to aid in the hurt towards another parent. Let’s be honest, this does not hurt the adult in the long run; it actually instills lifelong negative effects on the children.
Why?
Children are not equipped to cognitively understand the inner workings of manipulation. They do not have the ability to understand in the way a fully developed adult would. Manipulation of a child on behalf of an adult, re-wires a child’s brain. They are being trained in something they have no qualification or use of.
Take for instance, you studied for years to become a doctor. After you graduate with a degree, you decide you no longer want to be a doctor. In turn, you decide to give your degree to someone else. It may seem like you have given that person an “opportunity” of a lifetime, but in reality, you have set them up for failure.
That person has no idea how to practice medicine, and probably has no idea why you would want to give them something you worked for years to earn.
Is there an altering motive behind what you did?
Were you aware that what you did could affect the lives of those who were in the hands of this inexperienced “Doctor”?
The answer is most likely, no. When we aim to hurt others, chances are that we do not take the time to understand or care about the negative affects it will have.
“My ex-husband and I certainly went through the classics of using our children against one another. In fact, it is sometimes still something we deal with. When our divorce was final, I took the boys and moved home. I did not do this maliciously but as a way to get my sons and myself away from something I felt was toxic. After a lengthy custody battle, he in turn took my sons from me. This went on for two years.
Our sons were told one thing in their dad’s home and I would hear about it in mine. My ex-husband went to extreme lengths to erase me from my children’s lives. This included accusing me of drug abuse, child abuse, neglect, and attacking my financial ability to care for them.
Sure, I held on to a lot of anger...A LOT! Biting my tongue around my children in regard to my feelings about their father, soon became an art form. If you look closely you can still see the teeth marks permanently etched into my tongue.
However, I never backed down. I fought to defend my motherhood harder than I’ve ever fought for something in my life. To be frank, birthing three children was easier and less painful than the fight I went up against with my ex-husband to hold my role as Mom.
Through a lot of pushing and compromise, and several days I wanted to just give up, we are now at a place that we have all prayed for. I am Mom and will always be Mom. Sometimes that small sentiment is all you have to get you through the dark thoughts that you go through when your children are taken from you or you feel you are being erased.
In our situation, April played a large role in reuniting us all as a family unit. If it weren’t for her, my ex-husband may not have ever stopped until I was nothing more than a name on their birth certificates. Now he gets the joys of having me around ALL the time...because -plot twist- she and I are best friends and I now live eight houses from him!
No, seriously we love where we are now and would not change it for anything. It was a long road, and worth every tear.” -Loren
In certain circumstance parental alienation may in fact be necessary.
Perhaps one parent is toxic or harmful towards the children, in which case the role of a parent is to protect. This would be classified as a health and welfare necessity instead of purposeful parental alienation.
As parents, it is our responsibility to put the safety and well-being of our children as our top priority. When a parent has an addiction that is harmful to their child, we have to step in and take the proper steps to keep that child safe.
During that time, it is not necessary for us to degrade that parent to our child. It is simply our job to love our child and reassure them that once the other parent is healthy, the relationship can continue.
If a child has two loving and healthy parents, it is never the right decision to withhold another parent’s love from that child.
It is especially awful to do so out of vengeance or anger for the way your marriage ended.
“Growing up with divorced parents, I spent a fair amount of time being stuck in the middle of the bickering between my mother and father. It was not until I became an adult that I realized the affects it had on me.
I never planned to be divorced once, let alone two times, but those are the cards I have been dealt and I have worked hard to make the best of the situation. Due to the events of my childhood, I swore that I would never alienate my children from their father – no matter how angry I was or how justified I felt.
When John and I began dating, it is no secret that our relationship was not well-received by Loren. She told me once that John would not see his children as long as he was with me. I understood where she was coming from, because I had those same feelings once or twice in my life.
While John was gone for a training exercise before his deployment, Loren decided to move in order to be closer to her family. Since she and John had no communication during that time, she did not discuss the move with him. Upon his return, he was shocked to find that she and the boys had moved out of the home they once shared.
In his mind, her actions were not justified. He felt as if it were a punishment for things that happened in their marriage.
I would never condone keeping a child from their parent, so when John decided to proceed with obtaining full custody of the boys instead of joint custody, I was surprised. It was definitely a conversation that I needed clarification on. He simply explained his stance as one of fear. He feared that if given the chance, Loren would leave with the boys and he would never see them. Their relationship was volatile at best, so I understood why he would feel that way.
Do I think that either of them was right in their actions – no. Do I understand why each of them did what they did – yes.
I know this has been the cause of several previous arguments, the lack of trust they have for one another, and a huge source of tension. I also believe that, if given the chance, they would both do things much differently today.
It was easy for me to understand the thought process that John and Loren had during the divorce and custody battle. I knew too well how easy it was to let anger cloud my judgement and make me do things that were not in the best interest of myself or my children.
What I love about this situation, is that they have both owned their parts in the chaos – both good and bad – and they are much better parents because of it.” -April
Children can never have too many people that love them.
Taking away the love of one parent because of your own selfishness is toxic to a child. The damage it will cause can be everlasting. Not only does it draw a wedge between the parent that you are withholding from that child; in the long run, that child will resent you for keeping them from the parent they love.
Time is a thief.
There is not enough of it in a day, a month, or a year.
Time can never be replaced.
Once it has passed, you will not get it back.
If you love your child, never rob them of the chance to build a relationship with the person that is responsible for their very existence.
