“Remember, the kids will grow up and look back on their childhood with an adult perspective.”
It is true that children are resilient. Most of the time, they are able to cope with tragedies even better than some adults. However, when their lives are turned upside down and inside out by divorce, adjusting can be a little more difficult. Then, when you begin blending families and co-parenting, it can become even more daunting.
Divorce, as we have said many times before, is much like a death. It takes time to mourn the loss of what once was, while accepting what now is.
Often, in life, we tend to make things much harder than they need to be.
Parenting is beyond difficult. We certainly cannot even begin to name all the challenges we, as parents, may or may not face! So instead, let’s add to the chaos by blending families and separating homes.
Yes, that seems like tons of fun!
“The first time I went through a divorce, social media was not a popular outlet, there were not an excess of self-help novels available, and I did not have family near to lean on, let alone friends that had gone through it prior and willing to offer their opinion. I went into co-parenting almost as blindly as I had entered life after divorce.
I was merely in survival mode! I was so wrapped up in making it out alive, that I never stopped to think if I was handling each circumstance correctly. I did a lot of things the wrong way and not may were done right. The one aspect of divorce and co-parenting that I regret not handling in a more mature manner is making sure that I explained it properly to my children.
I never took the time to make sure they truly understood what was going on. Not to mention, it never crossed my mind to validate their feelings. Quite frankly, I probably never even asked them how they felt about it. I take comfort in the fact that my children were very young when I went through my first divorce. I pray that they do not remember all the times that I got it wrong.
I could kick myself all day and wallow in self-pity for the rest of my life. Instead, I choose to learn from the mistakes I made and vow to never make the same ones again.
Even though they were young, we still faced many obstacles. However, the moment that we chose peaceful communication and positive co-parenting over the volatile situation we once had; our lives were much better.
Now, I realize how extremely important it is to make sure my children understand that I consider their feelings in every choice I make. This is the main reason why I decided to co-parent past the chaos. I learned that having good communication and offering forgiveness were more important than always being right or having things my way. Creating a peaceful life for me and my children will always be my top priority.” -April
When it comes to blending families and positive co-parenting, the biggest obstacles most face will be differences in parenting styles, communication with your children, and cohesive household environments between both co-parents.
So how does this all affect the children?
Well, while you may be ready for a new chapter in life and emotionally detached from your old one, your children may not have had the same experience as you. Perhaps you have had time to recover from your divorce, but the same is not always the case when it comes to your children. This is a whole new change to them, and a drastic one at that.
“When it comes to my ex-husband and I, we struggled the most with supporting one another in parenting choices after our divorce. We did not have a united front, and that was a tension our children could feel. In our case, our oldest child went into a downward spiral of manipulation, anxiety, and outbursts. As his parents, we felt like we were giving him a good, safe, and normal life, but truly we had neglected to realize that our divorce and separation had a greater impact on him, regardless of how “good” we painted his new world.
While we are all on good terms for the most part now, our children do still very much struggle with the balance of manipulation versus affection in both homes. One thing I have learned, is that the less bothered I am by their outbursts or manipulations, the more consistent they become with their good behavior. I try not to let things ruffle my feathers outwardly or towards their father, never letting them sense an ounce of tension or defeat. Because, let me tell you, there are days where I feel absolutely defeated.
For example, when my son says, “I hate it at your house,” or “I want to go to Dads…I like it there better…your house is boring,” OR “I like the other Mom more. She’s a better cook.”
Sure, this all stings, but they are children. To be honest, if my kids don’t hate me a little bit, am I even doing my job right?” -Loren
All children are different.
Their actions, their attitudes, the way the deal with hardship, he speed at which they develop, it will vary with each child.
The same is true when children are forced to handle grown-up situations. This is where we, as parents, must step in and take that burden from our tiny humans.
Divorce will be difficult, but it is pertinent that we try our very best to make sure we do not make it any harder on our children than it needs to be.
They are allowed to be hurt and upset. Make certain they know that you understand and accept their feelings.
This goes for blending families as well. It is important to ease them into this giant transition. Take it one day at a time, knowing there will be good and bad days. Make sure to be patient with them, just as you will need to be with yourself.
There is no magic wand that we can wave to make everything sparkle and shine.
However, communication is the antidote for all ailments that come along with divorce and co-parenting.
Positive co-parenting and a healthy divorce both require open conversation. This not only means that you need to have good communication with your ex, but also – and most importantly – with your children.
Life does not always turn out the way we plan.
That does not mean it is the end of the road…it merely means that we need to change our direction.
