“Today I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves it.”
- Najwa Zebian
As little girls we dream of the day that we will walk down the aisle to our Prince Charming.
We design our pure white, ball gown and pick the color dresses our bridesmaids will wear, as they stand by our side. We even choose the song that will play during the dance we will share with our Father, after he gives us away to the man we will now share the rest of our life with.
So many hopes and dreams go into planning the wedding and a lifetime with the person you have fallen in love with.
When the day comes that the man you so passionately love gets down on one knee and asks for you to spend the rest of your life with him, every dream you had as a little girl becomes your reality.
We have both been divorced twice, from men we expected to spend forever with. If there is one topic we can speak on with expertise and humility, it is divorce. We may not be experts on marriage, but moving on after a divorce is something (and we say this in good humor), we are unfortunately seasoned in.
“I know they say there is no fury like a woman scorned. Let me tell you, I have been that scorned woman and my fury has flown like a flag on the fourth of July. I, not so calmly, chucked all of my soon-to-be husband’s clothes out onto our front lawn. Not just his clothes though, his plaques, framed art, books…basically his entire existence.
That was clearly not enough for me, as this scene also included the new woman he was now in love with, standing in our front lawn in all her beauty, watching me throw a midnight yard sale of my soon-to-be ex’s attire.
Looking back, I did not want that man. No, our marriage had long been over, but I’d be damned if I was going to just let him walk away that easily!
Ok, that sounded lot tougher in my head, because in reality I had no idea what I was doing or even why I was doing it. Cooler heads had not prevailed, that is for sure. Tip to all my clothes throwing ladies: clothes don’t light on fire with a cigarette or a lighter…you need to use gasoline.” -Loren
First, and foremost, coming to terms with the end of your marriage is a must.
This is an important step, because if you sit in any level of denial or hesitation, the remainder of your healing will take an eternity! The end of your marriage is not the end of YOU.
Do not place all the blame on yourself. In addition, the blame should not be placed solely on your counterpart. Blame is a shared experience. We know, that is a tough pill to swallow.
You WILL survive life after divorce! Your future is full of wonderful and amazing adventures that await.
The legality of your divorce is joint and should not be taken personal. Whether you and your spouse have decided to hire separate attorneys or share an attorney in a non-contested divorce, you both must still strive to keep amicable communication. Remember, one person will always walk away with less! If this is you, everything will be ok. You will recover, and you will gain more in the long run.
Second, and we cannot say this loud enough, HEAL yourself!
You may be wondering, “What does that even mean?” It means, go to therapy, go on a trip, start a new hobby, pray, pray some more, affirm that you are enough and that you gave all you could to something that was simply no longer meant to be.
It is absolutely ok to grieve…but then, you need to let that mess go! Bitterness never looked good on anyone.
Part of healing is learning to love yourself. In fact, fall in love with yourself! You are beautiful, wonderful, and amazing. You may not be someone’s cup of tea, but you certainly can be another person’s shot of whiskey.
Third, and this one is perhaps the most obvious but overlooked, do not - we repeat - DO NOT jump to another relationship!
Here’s why: those exciting, fresh feels, and flutters of butterflies from a new relationship are in fact false alarms of feelings you had simply been missing for so long that you forget they exist. This will cause you to assume you have “moved on”.
Newsflash - you have not. You have simply found a temporary fix to avoiding your pain, a bandaid boyfriend - if you will. Here is another tip: in order to heal you HAVE to feel that pain! Feel it all, in order to heal it all. Every ounce of you is going to hurt like Hell. However, no growth will come if you do not walk through the pain. You will bring nothing of value into your future life or relationship if you walk away from trials the exact way you walked in.
Fourth, and probably one of the most important, FORGIVE!
Forgiveness should be a priority on your list of “things to do post-divorce”. Forgive yourself. You deserve forgiveness and patience. You may have placed a lot of blame and guilt on your own shoulders, so give yourself a break. Forgive yourself for holding onto anger and for being so hard on yourself.
Forgive, even if there is no apology or closure. Closure was created as an excuse to justify your anger in order to manipulate another person into healing for you. No one has the power to heal anything they did to you - no one! You are the only one that holds the power over your emotions. Let go of the illusion that you “need closure in order to move on”. You do not.
What you need to do is have the Elsa mentality and LET IT GO! Never hold onto hate, because it will eat you alive and ruin every future chance you have at being happy.
Last, but certainly not least, keep the children out of adult situations.
Inevitably, you and your ex will be angry with one another at some point during your divorce. As hard as it may be, try to remember that there was a time that you actually loved the bonehead you are now divorcing. Your children are dealing with enough chaos in their lives, the last thing they need to do is take on the pain of YOUR divorce.
Lean on your tribe! Find a group of guy or girlfriends that you can vent to over a glass of wine…or 10. If you cannot find a tribe, we will be your tribe! Take on a new hobby or fall back in love with one you previously had no time for. Exercise is a great outlet, and it also releases happy endorphins! Through the pain, it is ok to choose happiness.
Whatever you do, never drunk text your ex. It will not end well!
“If I could go back in time and slap my young self, I would not only do that – I would shake the sense right into her boney body and thick skull! It literally pains me…nope, it actually embarrasses me to think about how I reacted when I went through my first divorce. I am mortified of my actions. It shocks me that I am even willing to admit how erratic I behaved.
I would like to blame it on being young, immature, and ignorant, but I am not even sure that is fair to the other young women of the world. I was certifiably NUTS! In my defense, my ex was no saint. However, I was in charge of my own behavior.
The point is, I was allowed to be hurt, but acting like a scalded ape was unbecoming of the civilized lady and mother I was trying to become.
I was extremely selfish, never once thinking about how my actions would affect the little eyes that were watching me. I was vengeful, making it my priority to make my ex pay for all the wrongs I felt had been done to me on his behalf. Bless my heart! My momma taught me that only God can judge. Going through a divorce made me completely forget my raising.
If I had it to do all over again, I would do things so much differently.
Oh wait…I did get to do it all over again. Unlucky me – I was unfortunate enough to go through a second divorce. I am proud to report that I handled the second one with a little more grace and dignity than the first.
Was I perfect? Absolutely not. Did I do my best? I would give that a 9 out of 10. Maturity definitely played a large part in my actions the second time around. I guess it is true, we do learn from our mistakes.
Sometimes things just do not work out the way we imagined they would. That did not mean my story was over, it just meant that I had to write a new chapter. I was not damaged goods; I was a seasoned and experienced warrior. Once I learned to forgive both myself and those I felt harmed me, I was able to see things much more clearly.” -April
The moral is, we all have moments of panic when our heart is broken, and we cannot gain control of what is happening around us.
We promise, you are not alone!
Remove all expectations. What we once thought, planned, and hoped for – is no more. Now is the time to rewrite your story. You have a clean slate and a fresh new start, so take advantage of that.
Communication is HUGE in any aspect of your life – especially divorce.
Talk to your tribe, talk to your therapist, you can even talk to yourself. Just release it all.
Own your part in the ending of your marriage, own your new future, and most importantly own your crazy!
The person you are fighting for now is YOU.
Love that person.
Forgive that person.
Most importantly, give that person the best you have to give.
You owe it to yourself!
