“The greatest gift our parents ever gave us, was each other.”
Have you ever traced your family heritage back several decades, or researched your ancestry? These days, there are so many different outlets that offer you the ability to do so.
Imagine what you could find out about yourself. Maybe you have long-lost relatives somewhere in the world. How fascinating would that be?
The same concept is easily comparable to what many blended families encounter. Some children grow up never knowing they have siblings, nor do they get a chance to build a bond with them.
“I have very vivid memories of when my parents brought my little sister home from the hospital. The best part of that day was the new cabbage patch doll that accompanied her arrival. Looking back, that could have been a peace offering to soften the blow of no longer being the only child.
It is difficult to recall how I felt when I found out I was going to be a big sister. If I could guess, knowing my personality, I was excited and eager to help. The next memories I have of my childhood that involve my sister happened years later. Being the “baby” of the family, she was definitely favored and somewhat spoiled. As young children and pre-teens, we got along very well. Our biggest disagreement was who got the better clothes and nicer car when we played Barbies.
Throughout our teenage years, our arguments became a little more intense and physical. She will tell you that she always won, however my recollection is the very opposite. I allow her to continue believing she is stronger than me because she allows me to continue believing I am the younger sister.
There is one thing that has never changed. Since the day my sister was born, I have felt such a strong connection to her. I made it my mission to always protect her and keep her safe. No matter how much we argued as teens, that never faltered.
Around the age of ten is when I found out that my sister and I did not have the same biological father. That did not change the certitude that she was my sister. In fact, there has never been a discussion on the topic or a reference otherwise. She has been and always will be my sister.
When our mom and dad divorced, we both stayed with our mom and visited our dad on weekends and during the summers. A few years later, our mom remarried. With that, we not only obtained a stepfather, but he brought along with him a daughter.
We gained a stepsister that was substantially younger than us. She then became a permanent fixture in our home once our stepdad was granted full custody of her. From what I remember, my sister and I never had any major issues with our stepsister, other than the normal jealousy of sharing our mom with someone new.
A few years later, our dad remarried a woman that brought to their marriage two sons. One of her sons lived with his father, but the other was with our dad and stepmom full time. I can recall have a lot more jealousy with my stepbrother, than I did with my stepsister. I attribute that to the fact that we did not get to spend a ton of time with our dad, so the time we did have we certainly did not want to share with a boy. Boys still had cooties at that age.
My dad and stepmom eventually had a son of their own. Although my sister and I were not very involved in the pregnancy or his birth, I do recall both of us adoring him. Our mom and stepmom did not always get along; that could be blamed on our mom’s frustrations with our dad spilling over into the relationships of the two women. I remember my stepmom being somewhat withdrawn from us, albeit very kind and gentle when interacting with us.
The decision was made for my dad to move to another state to be closer to our stepmom’s family. The older we became, the fewer and farther between our visits were. Years later my dad got a divorce from his second wife, so our visits with his son were seldom. Thanks so social media, we were able to build a much better relationship as adults.
Unfortunately, my brother passed away two years ago, just a few days before his 23rd birthday. It breaks my heart that we missed out on so much not growing up near one another. What is even more heart wrenching is that his life was cut so short, not allowing us to make up for the memories we were unable to make.
A few short years ago, I received a message on Facebook from a very sweet woman. She explained that as a result of a previous relationship with my biological father, they had a child. It was elated to find out that I had another brother. She explained that they were dealing with some things in their family. While it was her wish for us to meet and develop a relationship, she wanted the timing to be right.
Sadly, she lost her battle with cancer before she had the chance to bring my brother and I together. I never stopped thinking about him and wanted so badly to reach out to him. I tried to rely on our biological father to introduce us, but that never worked out.
After an obscene amount of social media stalking, I was able to find him. I worked up the courage to send him a message, and he responded within minutes. Facebook for the win again! See, there are some good things that come from social media.
My sister and I have an unbreakable bond. She is someone I can be myself with and the person I know will love me in spite of my faults. I would not make it in this life without her.
Even though my relationship with my brother started a little later in our lives, that has not stopped us from building the same unbreakable bond. Despite us not growing up together, we have realized that we are eerily similar. I could not imagine my life without him in it.” -April
Denying your children the right to connect with someone they love can do lasting damage.
There are circumstances when parents are able to put their differences aside in order for their children to develop relationships with their stepsiblings. This can be a pivotal step in the development of a lifelong bond.
“My blended story began long before the blended life I now lead. I grew up as a child of divorce; my parents split when I was 4, and each quickly remarried. At the time, I only had one biological brother, and we were as thick as thieves. We soon gained a stepbrother that we grew to love. Things quickly escalated, as our parents on either side began to procreate as if we were the last people on the planet. I gained 3 additional brothers and 2 sisters, a grand total of 8 siblings. My parents are the definition of “extra”.
No matter which home I went to, I always had siblings. Some may not have been able to relate, but I was always seen as the ‘sister’ no matter our bloodline differences. My siblings and I had a bond that was unbreakable. Mostly, because at some point in time we needed to be allys for one another. We were there for each other in times of sorrow, stress, fear, and joy.
One thing I constantly thank my parents for, is the gift of my siblings. They are not step or half, they are every part of my blood and being. I am especially closest with my sisters. We have a bond to this day that is the most precious thing I hold dear to me. I never feel alone.
For example, my middle sister and I both went through our divorces at the same time, both mirroring each other’s pain. To have someone I could call every single morning, and cry to, and complain to, and every night who would fall asleep on the phone with me because we were both too afraid to be alone - you don’t find that every day.
When your baby sister calls you and tells you she is sneaking out of the house, you have her back and yell at her later. Being sisters, means always having a best friend. Even though my sisters and I do not share the same biological father, we were all raised by the same amazing man, that we all collectively stressed out an equal amount.
I have witnessed sibling rivalries in my family amongst my parents with their siblings from time to time. One thing my siblings and I always vowed to each other, was to never let a disagreement go too far. Life is too short, and the relationship with family is far more important than any misunderstanding. Lost time is never worth it. Once someone is gone, you cannot get that time back. Love like you did as a child.
Who was there when you were afraid of the dark? Who snuck out of the house with you? Who let you borrow their favorite shoes? Who took the punishment for something you did? It was likely a sister or brother.
Those are priceless memories from someone you can never replace.” -Loren
Family is not always created by bloodlines.
Sometimes, our families are the ones we choose. That does not make the bond between them weaker.
Blood does not always equate to bonds. Just because you did not grow up in the same household, does not negate the fact that they are still family.
In family, all you need is love.
Remember, blended really is better!
