“Two things that prevent us from happiness are living in the past and observing others.”
Healing from a broken heart after divorce can take a toll on you, both physically and mentally. The emotions you go through can seem as if the roller coaster will never end. From one broken heart to another, your pain is justified and deserves recognition in order to heal.
Perhaps the most difficult step to moving past the devastation of divorce is letting go of your “once upon a time” dreams and creating new expectations for your future.
Watching your ex move on is confusing. You’re happy that they are happy, but at the same time the bitter reality seeps in like lava.
“How can they move on so quickly?”
“Was our love ever really real?”
“Why do they get happiness, when I get left alone with a broken heart to pick up the pieces?”
“why is life so unfair?”
The answer to these questions begins with YOU!
The first step to moving on and letting go is ACCEPTANCE.
When we don’t understand why something is happening, it’s because the answer is on the other side. In order to get there, you must be moved. It is important to accept that your relationship has ended and take responsibility of the part you had in its demise. Just as both of you stood side by side to say, “I do”, it took the two of you to end your marriage.
Once we understand and acknowledge the facts, it is in that moment that we can begin the journey of letting go.
The second step in moving on is FORGIVENESS.
Forgive yourself for self-doubt and self-blame, instead of asking why you were not good enough for them to love you the way they love their new significant other. Do not spend your time wondering what you could have done to deserve to be treated the way they are treating their new-found love.
Could you have communicated more? Absolutely.
Could you have loved harder? Sure.
Could you have picked up around the house more? Duh!
But, ask yourself this, “Would I want to go to sleep next to someone every night who saw me as less than because today I did not give 100%?”
Your answer should be simple - No. Your self-worth should never depend on whether you are enough for someone. You are enough, no matter what you bring to the table on any given day.
The moment you realize how amazing you truly are, you are one step closer to moving on and becoming the best version of yourself.
The third step in letting go is completely HEALING from your past.
In the midst of healing yourself, you will find the answers to all the lingering question that you have been left with. You cannot waste our time wondering what could have been. You must understand that God is moving you into a new place of growth. However, before that can take place you must fully let go of what once was.
There are several different tools we can use to aid in this process. For instance, therapy, journaling, exercising, or any other hobby that may interest you are all good aspects to assist in the healing process. Not until we completely heal, will we be ready to cross over into a new relationship.
The last thing you want to do is carry old wounds into a new beginning.
-April & Loren
Without a doubt, one of the most difficult steps to wrap your mind around, is being happy for the person living the life you feel you deserve to live.
I will never forget the day I saw my former spouse and his new love sitting on the sidelines at my son’s soccer game. She sat there with her hair freshly done from the salon, wearing brand new shoes that I could tell were worth more than my electric bill. They sat side by side with my baby in the jogging stroller I had always wanted, holding hands in public - something he would never do with me.
They sat there looking like a million dollars and like a picturesque family with MY children. While I sat there wearing jeans I had from high school, my hair that hadn’t seen the inside of a salon in 3 years, and I was negative $200 in my bank account and not knowing where my next meal would come from. How is this fair? I am here to tell you that life is not meant to be fair. Life is meant to be lived. It is meant to be lived in moments and lessons, not envy and things.
The day you change your prayers, is the day your questions become answered. Instead of praying for the answers to why something is not fair, or why this happened, pray for understanding and happiness for the person you are praying against. Pray for their peace, happiness, and fairness in life...and I promise you will find your own.
-Loren
No one ever enters into a marriage with the thought that one day it may end. Although I was entirely too young to begin the rest of my life at 16 when I was married for the first time, I certainly intended to do my very best to make it last forever. The ending of that marriage left me heart broken and devastated. Watching Jerry fall in love with Jessica right under my eyes was like have my skin peeled from my bones. There were days that I did not think I would survive. Every inch of my being was in physical pain, from my hair follicles to my toenails.
Seeing my first husband and his new wife welcome their first child into the world was another knife to the chest. I constantly questioned why I was not good enough, and why it had been impossible for me to make him happy like she seemed to do. Once I realized that God had another plan for my life, I began to see a change in myself and my future. I knew there had to be more that what I was living, it was just up to me to pull myself out of the rut I was in and take back my happiness.
After the end of my second marriage, I began questioning myself once more. Afterall, I was the common denominator in both relationships. It took me a lot of therapy and soul searching to realize that it was in fact my fault – to an extent. I had to accept my part in the ending of my marriages and assume responsibility for my contribution – or lack thereof – in the demise of those relationships.
Once I was able to do so, I began to heal and prepare myself for an even better future. My future included a wiser and mentally healthier woman. I forgave myself for my shortcomings and the fact that I felt like a failure, not only to myself but to my children as well. I convinced myself that I was deserving of love and I would never settle for anything less than my kind of perfect.
It is easy to get lost in a career, in motherhood, and in being ‘just someone’s wife’, but once I found myself, I was able to find the love I had been forever searching for. You see, one can never truly be loved by another if one does not even love themselves. That had to be one of the hardest lessons I have ever learned, but it has been one of the most beneficial to me.
-April