“Love comes to those who still hope after disappointment, who still believe after betrayal, and who still love after they’ve been hurt."
No one plans on getting divorced. Unfortunately, the statistics on marriages that end in divorce are shocking. Those numbers make an alarming increase for second and third marriages.
There are many feelings that come along with a divorce. You can experience sadness for the loss of love, doubt that maybe you did not make the right decision, or anger that the relationship ended when you were not ready.
Once those emotions subside, that nasty ‘S’ word comes creeping in…SHAME.
People feel shame for several different reasons. In divorce, we are often ashamed of the failure associated with it.
“The shame of being divorced can hit hard…even harder when you have been divorced twice by the time you are 30. It is not usually something I bring up in casual conversation.
My first marriage did not involve any children. He was my high school sweetheart, and after dating for 2 years we marched down to the county courthouse. At 20 years old, we were ready to claim our stake together for a lifetime.
The end of my first marriage may not seem like much to most people. In fact, I usually just say that it ended because we were far too young to get married in the first place. Oh, what a lie that really is. He loved me, and I loved him. Yes, we were too young, but we married for love and nothing else.
Entering my second marriage, was something I never wanted. I always saw myself as only being married to one man. If that wasn’t going to work out, then no other man was going to have me in that way again. The power of persuasion is real my friends…so is having a baby with someone. Hence, my second marriage. This is the marriage that taught me all of the lessons. It scared me, traumatized me, and also gave me life’s most precious gift - my children.
So, what about that third marriage? Well, to say I am terrified of commitment would be an understatement. What do I have to give to a third marriage? I’ve already married for love, I have already built a family with someone, I have shared a last name, I have built a home, and I have both succeeded and failed as a wife. Is there anything left to give someone?
Yes, there is. As a woman who may have done it before, or failed once or twice, I am not ashamed to try again. And THAT is what I have to give. That is also what I deserve. I deserve to not need a third marriage, but to know that by entering into another marriage, I am coming with knowledge, grace, patience, and independence. All things I was not equipped to give in my other marriages.
In the words of April, “This third marriage will be my last. The only way out is if one of us leaves in a body bag!”
So, if a ring should ever grace my finger again, I will honor the commitment I make not only to him, but to myself. To be and continue to become the best version of myself I have to give…’til death.” -Loren
Why do we allow others to have a say in how we live our lives?
Who gets to set the standard on what is and is not right for your life?
YOU should be the only one that decides what is best for you.
Webster defines shame as a painful feeling of humiliation caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. We don’t know about you, but there is nothing wrong or foolish about removing yourself from a toxic situation.
Everyone deserves happiness and love.
Who cares if it takes you a few times to figure out what you want in a marriage.
Could you have tried to figure that out before you married that person? Sure.
Should you do all you can to make the relationship work before deciding on divorce? Yes.
We should not allow ourselves to walk around with a scarlet S on our chests just because our marriage or marriages did not work out like we planned.
“I had the intention to be married to one man for the rest of my life. As we know, life does not always go as planned. Once I got confirmation from my pastor that I was not headed straight for the firey gates of Hell just because I was a divorced woman, I was able to breathe a little sigh of relief.
After my first marriage ended, I did not think twice about moving on. I loved the idea of spending the rest of my life with a man I adored. To be honest, I began thinking about my second marriage as soon as the first one ended.
Jerry and I did not necessarily have a fairy tale romance, but it was definitely something I had always dreamed of. Naturally, I yearned for that after our relationship ended. Unfortunately, there weren’t many men biting at the chance to take on a scorned woman with excess baggage. Trust me, I looked…but was unlucky in finding my prince charming right away. I did have fun kissing a few toads along the way.
When I married Roy, I was sure that he would be my forever man. It came as quite a shock to us and everyone else when our marriage ended. After the second time, you would think I had learned my lesson and I would have just thrown in the towel. Low and behold, God had a different plan for me. It turns out, the third time just so happens to be the charm…or so I hope!
I often worry that once people find out how many times I have been married, they will lose hope in my ability to commit, to work hard, and in my decision-making skills. It is important that I keep reminding myself that divorce does not make me a bad person. My past does not define me. Just because I have been married three times and divorced twice, it does not mean I am unintelligent, unsuccessful, or less than.
This also has no reflection on my ability to understand the seriousness and sanctity of marriage. If anything, it has made me appreciate the sanctimony of marriage even more. I find myself working harder than ever at making sure this marriage is successful and full of love, understanding, and forgiveness.
I refuse to walk around with a stigma placed on me or my marriage. I am the only one that will decide what kind of person I am and what type of marriage I have. Surely, I will not allow the number of last names I’ve donned to define who I am as an individual.” -April
Divorce happens for so many reasons.
As we have said before, abuse, infidelity, and simply a lack of love is among the rationalizations behind couples that choose to no longer be married to one another.
No matter the reason for your choice, you should not be forced to explain your decision to anyone else. Nor, should you have to live in shame due to the amount of times you have been married or divorced.
Just as we have forgiven others, it is equally important to forgive ourselves.
Let NOTHING stop you from living the life you have always dreamed of!
No matter what your past looks like, your future is bright.
You are good enough.
