Sometimes the blessings are not always in what God gives…but in what He takes away.”
During our child custody case, John and I had attempted to reach out to Loren several times in hopes of creating a peace treaty. If I am being completely honest, it was more of me reaching out than him. It is not that John wanted the chaos to continue, he just does not possess the same communication skills that I do.
“Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can.”
A meeting of the minds was our next attempt at an effort to make peace. Typically, a double date would seem like an excellent idea. A double date with my ex-husband, his new wife, and my very new beau, however, was not exactly the “good time” that I had in mind. Much like all of our interactions, the tension was as thick as my mama’s cornbread, and even a burning shot of whiskey didn’t seem to calm my nerves.
“The very act of looking for evil in others develops evil in those who look.”
John and I allowed a stranger into our home. That was not a normal occurrence for us, but this visitor had something that we desired...information to help our custody case. She declared that she knew the deepest, darkest secrets of the person that had been causing so much pain, anxiety, and torment in our lives for so long. We were desperate, and desperate times call for desperate measures.
“Strong women don’t play victim, don’t make themselves look pitiful, and don’t point fingers. They stand and they deal.”
I was certain I had hit my cap when it came to the amount of bullets I was able to withstand from my co-parent. My simple mind could not fathom that there could possibly be anymore ammo they could shoot my way. Ah, but how wrong I was. I began to realize that these hits towards me were meant for one reason, and one reason only: to break me
“One of the toughest decisions you’ll ever make is whether to try harder or walk away.”
Dating after divorce can be scary. For me, it turned out to be mostly weird, mixed with some lessons I had clearly not mastered nor paid attention to in my 20s. So, in typical stubborn Loren, fashion I had to learn the hard way.
In walks Loren’s late life lesson.
“You may not always understand why God allows certain things to happen, but you can be certain that God is not making any mistakes.”
Have you ever wanted something so bad, but deep in your heart you felt it could never happen? That is exactly how I felt about reaching a positive co-parenting relationship between John and Loren. It seemed the harder I tried to forge an alliance, the worse it became. It was always one step forward and twelve steps back.
“You’re always going to wonder if you’re doing things wrong, but that’s what it means to be a mom, to care so much about someone else that you just want to be as perfect as possible.”
-Naya Rivera
My earliest childhood memory of the plans I made for my future self, included being a mother. The expectations I set for the type of mother I would be were extremely high. Like most things in my life, I wanted to be perfect at it. I took several ideas from the way my mother raised me, as well as a few different and creative concepts. It is only natural, in my opinion, to want the very best for your children. I wanted to make sure they had everything I did not have in my own childhood.
“A Mom is she who can take the place of all others, but who’s place no one else can take.”
Before I had babies, I had no idea exactly what motherhood entailed, nor did I ever imagine that I would be qualified enough to take care of little lives.
When I became a Mom for the first time, the name "Mom" immediately felt as if it fit me more than anything else I had ever been called. It was as if the calling and purpose for my life had always been to be a mom.
“Never think that what you have to offer is insignificant. There will always be someone out there that needs what you have to give.”
For a moment in time, my world seemed to be brighter than I had ever seen it. The light that had died at the end of my tunnel got a new shiny bulb. I could see again, and I could feel myself begin to soften.
“Every good gift, every perfect gift, comes from above. These gifts come down from the Father, the creator of the heavenly lights, in whose character there is no change at all.”
-James 1:17 (CEB)
I had spent so much of my life trying to be the person I was supposed to be instead of just being the person I wanted to be. I accepted so many things that I did not deserve and was too afraid to go after what I knew I was worthy of.
“It doesn’t get easier. You just get stronger.”
I’m not sure of the expectations I had for co-parenting our sons, but any idea I did have was quickly dimming. Every notification from court or my attorney was a dagger that started to slowly kill a piece of me. In fact, I began to go numb entirely and remember thinking at times how much easier it would be if I were to just give up altogether.
“Living a life full of happiness is the best type of revenge. Once someone realizes that they cannot ruin your happiness, they lose their power.”
I knew if I did not follow my heart, I would spend the rest of my life with regret and wishing I had. I had fallen in love with John and the life that I imagined we would have together. Of course, I wanted to marry him. We had been drawn together like a moth to a flame. There was only one problem that was deterring me from signing that marriage contract…he was potentially still married to his ex-wife.
My world had been shattered into a thousand pieces. Sure, my heart had been broken by men before, but this…this was a heartbreak like no other. This hurt a depth of my soul I never knew existed. The pain of being erased from my babies’ lives was unbearable.
No order was given on the day of our trial; therefore, I had no idea when I would see my little humans again. The unknown left a pit in my stomach that ached with a vengeance.
Fight or flight was all I knew.
“Sometimes we fight not because we hate what is in front of us, but because we love what is behind us.”
After the court hearing that granted John full custody of his boys, our lives were suddenly more hectic than they had been. We quickly hired an amazing nanny, since John and I both worked full time, and spent a few days getting the house ready for three additional boys. On the trial date, the judge had given no solid schedule for how John and Loren were to split their time with the boys. Both attorneys were able to draft an order stating that the boys would continue to alternate households every two weeks throughout the summer. Once summer was over, the boys would begin living with John full time, just three days before the new school year began.
I still remember the emotions I felt the moment I held each one of my sons for the very first time.
Jackson, my oldest, made me a Mom. It was love at first sight with that precious, 7lb 11oz baby boy, and I saw nothing but absolute perfection when we met. My heart had never felt that kind of love before, and from that day forward the meaning of love was forever changed for me!
My sweet, baby Jagger finally made his entrance after nearly 10 weeks of labor and countless stays in the emergency room. I worked so hard to keep him safe inside until the time was right. His chubby, 8lb 1oz self, melted my heart in ways I never could have imagined.
My little fighter Jett made his landing on earth a month early and fought to overcome every obstacle he was born with. That tiny, 6lb 12oz miracle expanded my love beyond anything I ever thought possible.
Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.”
That is just what we did; we hung on for dear life. Every shred of the rope was another ounce of sanity gone. John and I never lost hope, but we were certainly prepared to accept disappointment. Knowing that these struggles were preparing us for much better times, we continued to pray and ask God for guidance and reassurance. There were, however, times that we did not think we had the strength to survive the challenges we were facing. After all, God does not give us more than we can handle. He must have thought we encompassed extreme superpowers.
There is a song that says, “Every new beginning is some other beginning’s end.” This was the season of new beginnings for me. However, it was also the beginning of the end…the end of peace and life as I once knew it.
The police officer that came to our home, the Friday of the email, was very kind. He advised us that once a call is made, they are obligated to do a health and welfare check on the children involved. We explained the situation to him and let him know that we would like to tell the children that he was a friend of ours, and as a treat they could look inside his police car. The officer was a former Marine and a single father, so he was happy to go along with our plan in order to make sure the boys were not frightened. He shook John’s hand, told him to stay strong, and that he was proud of what he was doing. He gave a quick Semper Fi and drove away.
“There is no greater warrior than a mother protecting her child.”
Instinct and adrenaline rushed through me like lava. They say the adrenaline that a mama has, when she is scared for her baby, could lift a car straight into the air. Mine could have lifted an 18-wheeler.
My ex-husband had crossed a line, which turned out to be the first of many to follow. In complete crisis-aggression mode, I drove as fast as my car would go all the way to North Carolina. I was going to get my babies back from this man, if it took my last breath. How dare he call himself a father? How dare he rip his sons from the only mother they have known? Above all, how dare he try and replace me. This was war.
Have you ever wished you could be a bird? Imagine being able to open your wings and fly to your happiest place, whenever you feel the need.
I prayed for God to make me a bird many times throughout my life. During the next few months, I begged Him to take me…wherever He wanted me to go.
Letting go is one of the hardest things you will ever do, especially when you are letting go of something you imagined would last forever. However, God must close the door to one chapter of your life in order to prepare you for a much bigger one. I had no idea just how true that statement could be.
Our divorce happened so quickly that I barely had time to even comprehend the severity and finality of it all. It took only a couple months to hear the judge hammer the gavel, sealing the fate of my old life. Within moments, a man who never truly felt “mine”, legally was no more. I signed my name on our divorce papers that day, never again to see “Mr. and Mrs. Kirk” on anything thereafter. A weight did not just lift off my shoulders, it flew off. I was 170 pounds lighter, and this freedom tasted better than anything my lips had ever touched.
I knew we still had business to attend to as far as the custody of our boys went. Deep down I felt as if he did not want to be an active father and would likely see them here and there when he had time. After all, he had a new love interest and a new life to consume his happiness. We were his old life, and I had come to terms with that. I thought this might work out well, all things considered. Perhaps he would be kinder to me, seeing as how he now had the life he always wanted.
