“Honest feelings and bad timing make the most painful combination”
Three guidelines to introducing a new significant other into your co-parenting dynamic
Divorce is painful like a death; it is extremely difficult to navigate. When you add children into that mix, things can become even more challenging. After dissolution, it is common to search for a new significant other to fill the void in your heart. But when exactly is the most opportune time to introduce your love interest to your former spouse and children? The truth is, there is no perfect time.
Chances are, you will likely do what feels right, cross your fingers, and hope for the best!
Dating after divorce, especially for single parents, is daunting. However, it can also be extremely exciting! You are finally in a new phase of life, and the world is your oyster. YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness, and if that happiness includes a partner - then buckle up and prepare yourself for all that dating after divorce entails!
Due to our own trial and errors with this topic, we have developed the top three guidelines that we feel are important in answering the burning question,
“When do I introduce my new partner to my children and ex?”
The first guideline is: Establish a Timeline.
This is key, because – let’s face it – timing is everything! Knowing if you are ready to begin dating is of utmost importance. Is there a rule on how long you should wait between relationships? Not necessarily – we just suggest being out of one relationship before beginning another.
It is not fair to you or the other person if you start a new romance while still being emotionally attached to your previous spouse.
Children should also be considered in this regard. Are they ready to be introduced to someone new? The age of your children can play a huge part in your decision to bring another person into your life. The younger the child, the more attached they will often get to someone new.
If you do not see the relationship lasting or becoming serious, it is important to wait before introducing your children. In fact, separating your dating life and parent life, is a one way to navigate these new waters. This will give you the time you need to figure out what you truly want out of a partner that could perhaps, one day, be involved in your children’s lives.
Divorce is not only hard on adults; it is even harder on children.
Young people often do not have the mental capacity to fully understand divorce. Not to mention, they did not ask for the dissolution of your marriage – you did. Introducing a potential stepparent could prove to be detrimental to your child’s mental health and the relationship you have with that child.
Another important factor to consider in timing is your former spouse. Are they ready to be introduced to your new love interest? Chances are, even in the most amicable of divorces, there are still buried emotions. Reaching out to your ex-spouse to advise them of your potential new relationship would be ideal. This could give them time to process this new information before the actual meeting takes place.
If you are in a bitter custody battle, chances are, it is not a good time to bring a new person into your children’s lives - unless you are avidly hoping to chase off any potential suitors! Let the waters calm before embarking on a new journey, aka the wonderful world of dating.
The second important guideline to consider is: The Approach you take for the meeting.
There are several different ways you could go about this introduction. One approach is to go on a few dates to make sure there is enough chemistry between the two of you before taking the next step. The last thing you want to do is to get everyone’s feathers ruffled for a two-week relationship.
Having your children meet your date at the same time you do is another option. If the person you are considering has children, a “play date” type of setting could work. This option is great for those full-time parents with busy schedules who are trying to get back into dating but can’t seem to find time. It will also take some pressure away from a formal introduction between your children and a new significant other. This could just be a casual outing as “friends” who happen to also have children.
Of course, this may be considered over-stepping in the eyes of your former spouse. The most important thing to consider is whether you feel your children are ready to handle another person taking your attention. Also, is this person interested in taking on a stepparent role? More importantly, are YOU ready for someone else to take on a parenting role with your children? Try to keep these questions at the forefront before accepting any dates!
Another choice is scheduling a time for your former spouse to meet your new date in a more intimate and relaxed setting. Plan a time for dinner and drinks to introduce everyone. This could allow your child’s other parent to feel more involved in the process, causing tensions to be at an all-time low when you decide the time is right to introduce your children to the new interest.
The third guideline to remember is: Maintain realistic Expectations.
It is important not to force your new relationship on your former spouse, or your children. Also, keep in mind that even though you and your ex may have moved on, you still have a history with that person. Everyone grieves and handles divorce in different ways; flashing your new love in front of your former spouse is not the right answer.
Remember that this new potential partner will also be entering an established family dynamic, which can be intimidating. Having patience for everyone involved is the key to a successful and happy connection.
The expectations you had when dating before you had an ex-spouse and children, are vastly different now. Manage the expectations you have for yourself first. You already know what you do not want in a relationship, so set your standards and expectations high.
You have a choice on who you allow in not only in your life, but your children’s lives as well.
So, while we cannot guarantee any ideal outcome to the introduction of a new partner, we hope to shed a few key ideas that may work for your specific circumstances.
If nothing else, patience is key when embarking down the treacherous path of co-parenting and dating.
It is important to have patience with yourself, establish boundaries and guidelines, and above all, consider the feelings of all parties that will be included in any decisions you make.
Remember, there is no need to rush or force anything.
Take your time. Take as much time as you need!
Going through a divorce is a traumatic experience. Everyone needs a chance to heal and regroup.
Love yourself.
Date yourself.
Take care of yourself!
