“Family isn’t defined only by last names or blood. It’s defined by commitment and by love.” -Dave Willis
Most children are born into nuclear families that include two loving parents. However, that is not always the case. Families are made up of many different combinations. Take for instance our blended family dynamic – in all, we have four mothers and four fathers that have been married and procreated at one time or another.
Each household varies regarding the parenting roles taken on by mothers and fathers.
In the past, society has set the standard on which parent is responsible for each duty. Today, most families make their own rules and do what they feel is in the best interest of their dynamic.
When you are married to the mother or father of your children, it is easy to divide the responsibilities involved in raising your offspring. Divorce tends to immensely alter those plans. Emotions become heightened as you begin to navigate the new waters. Some people are able to swim, while others sink to the bottom of the abyss.
“Becoming a co-parent was the furthest thing in my mind on the morning of August 19th, 2019. I honestly didn’t even know that was a thing, but as the moon sat at her highest level that night, that was what I was destined to be.
Ending an 11-year relationship that provided the blessing of two gorgeous and healthy baby girls, is far from easy. The confusion and fear of the steps going forward, could increase your heart rate to dangerous levels. But we knew that our relationship and its failure should not determine the outcome of our daughters’ lives as well. At an early stage, we were very clear -during several hours of late night, cigarette and tear-filled conversations - of who and what we wanted to be for our girls. We discussed in depth the plan going forward, where we would live, the money, the breakdown, and the continuing of team parenting to produce loving and well-mannered individuals.
So here I am now, a year into a process that has no clear directions, no defined levels of success, and is constantly demanding effort. I have found a few things that have provided the stability that is needed in something so fragile and important - communication and respect.
My ex-wife and I found flaws in our relationship when it came to our ability to communicate. We held back our feelings and robbed each other the chance to right wrongs, provide advice, or fully walk through life together. We established that through those back-porch chats and knew we couldn’t continue that if we were going to win the Tag Team Championship of parenting. So now, nothing gets left inside our minds. If one of us irritates the other, its “stay inside girls, mommy and daddy need to talk”.
By communicating, not only have we been able to work through issues with our children but learn to understand who the “new us” really is. I used to assume how she would react to certain things, things like me sleeping in and letting them feed themselves, or me stopping to get them ice cream, taking them on random trips, or being completely dedicated to Wisconsin Football on the fall days that I was watching them. So, with that assumption I found myself early on wondering how she felt about me.
I finally broke through my cloud of anxiety and told her. She looked at me with confidence and assertiveness and just plainly said “Jake, you don’t know me. I’ve changed.” See, if we never talked, I may have continued to assume until I acceded from the relationship all together. Co-parenting requires us to still maintain a relationship. Even if you have found the people God has given you to find, you can still communicate with your co-parent. There is no reason to distance yourself or to not relay the biggest and smallest details about your children or yourself. Communicating also shows your children that you two are a team.
I have watched my two girls become “The Goon Squad”, a strong, independent support system and partnership themselves. They are fully capable of “pulling one over on you”, so it’s important that they see that their mom and I are still a team. They also see that my ex-wife is still important to me and deserves respect; that their mom is important and deserves respect. That shows them that whoever they love later in life is important and deserves respect, and that they are important and deserve respect. Respect.
We didn’t make it as a couple. Honestly, we were meant for great things for a duration of time, to help one another in those moments of need, to love one another in and out of storms, and to provide the foundation for the future. I was with my ex-wife for 10 years of my life. Military success, songwriting dreams, milestones, and daily goals were not met alone, but with her by my side.
I will never forget the pain she went through mentally, physically, and spiritually, all while traveling alone, wondering if I would never come home, birthing and raising our girls, and running our household. When I moved out, my ex-wife was actually the one who wrote my budget.
“I have to pay for sewage, that’s CRAP.”
“Yes Jake, they are called bills.”
What I’m trying to say here is there is nothing in this world that would ever lead me to disrespect her. If the whole world flipped upside down and she wasn’t who she is, I would still honor what she did for me. I was raised by a woman. I watched a single mother do it alone - raise three boys and work well over 40 hours a week. Watching the mother of my children raise our daughters through sickness and uncertainty at times, is one of the proudest acknowledgements of who she is as a woman.
Sometimes I think when people sense the “love” relationship is over, they feel the need to distance themselves entirely. They often say hurtful things, no matter if true or fantasy, they don’t reach out to provide assistance, they have zero care for who the other person is, and why? Sure, my ex and I have both moved on and are extremely happy with the gifts and new opportunities God has given us, but neither of us speak ill of each other or act as if the other’s existence is a hindrance on our lives.
Respecting my co-parent is bigger than our relationship, it’s the defining action that my children will rely on when coexisting with another person in the future. They will see me treat their mother as a human, as an equal, as a partner, as a friend, as their mother. My girls will know that their mother and I are a team. If something comes up that is a source of friction, there will not be any blatant actions of hostility. Instead, they will see two individuals working through their issues. They will see two people communicating with respect for one another.
I’m so far away from August 20th, 2019. I’ve been blessed to find a woman that has provided me with guidance and love for the future. I have also been blessed to have a woman from my past, be a partner with me for our children and support my relationship with them. We would have never known that this would be how our lives would turn out. It may not be this way forever in the 2020 world, but we will certainly try to communicate and respect the people we are.” -Jake
Just as no two families will do everything the exact same way, not all co-parenting relationships are equal.
Often, we let anger cloud our judgement. Sometimes, fear of the unknown can cause us to say and do things that do not make sense.
It is important to understand that no matter where you start in your co-parenting journey or how bad things get, you have the power to make a change. Communication is an important factor in any relationship, especially in co-parenting.
It is much easier to develop a routine within your marriage than it is when you are trying to navigate divorce and parenting in two separate households. What was once considered “mom’s responsibility” now becomes “dad’s task”, and vice versa. We begin to fear the unknown, wondering and worrying about what is taking place when our children are no longer under our constant supervision.
Even though we know the other parent, we were married to them and decided to breed with them, secondary emotions can often cloud our perceptions.
“Looking back at how this all started, I think limiting contact with Loren was the best way to create boundaries while there was still so much anger and hurt between the two of us. These boundaries gave each of us the time and opportunity to concentrate on being a role model for our boys, instead of trying to focus on being better than the other or creating a parenting competition. It was obviously not the best method when starting a co-parenting relationship, but each divorce and child custody case is different.
Not all of them are perfume and roses like many will lead you to believe. Per the advice of our attorneys, conversations between Loren and I were kept at a minimum, and everything was well-documented. Phone calls and texts often became emotional, and they were almost always recorded. Why was this being made into such a battle you ask? Pride.
I was constantly told by Loren and many others that I would never have shared custody of my sons and that I would only be a weekend dad. Why was that the only perceived option for a father in the eyes of the law? Loren had made it very clear that she was their mother and that she would be afforded more rights. I was not about to let the state, nor anyone else make a life-long decision that would affect those boys without putting up a fight.
My mind was engulfed with the custody battle; it consumed me. The only place that got us was further into debt, and it took our co-parenting relationship to a place filled with doubt, resentment, anger, and a lack of trust. I think the biggest lesson both of us learned from the early stages of our co-parenting relationship is that neither of us were willing to give-in. There was no compromise and no give and take; it was like pulling teeth.
As you can imagine, this type of environment will take a toll on your body and cause unneeded stress in other relationships. It can even damage the bond between you and your children. It is important to continually remind them and yourself that they are the most important aspect of it all, and whatever they may hear or see is NOT their fault.
Loren and I made two promises to each other at the beginning of our co-parenting relationship. That we would never separate the boys from one another, and that neither of us would introduce the boys to a significant other that was not going to permanently be in their lives. The boys never being separated from one another is and will always be something that we will both never change our opinions on; it is written in stone.
One of the things I did often struggle with in the beginning of our co-parenting relationship was the significant others that Loren introduced to the boys, and the fact that the boys would build a connection with those men, and then have it taken away. I am not saying this to be mean or bash Loren, I am simply stating my feelings.
Looking back at that now, I see that our boys are stronger for it. I thank Loren for teaching our boys to guard their hearts and to not get too attached to people the second they meet them. Friendships are not always permanent, especially as a military family.
Currently, Loren and I do not have the best co-parenting relationship, and I do want that to change. Loren communicates mostly with April, as they are best friends and it seems it is just easier for her. Although I know April doesn’t always want to be the one solely co-parenting with Loren, she has been in the boy’s lives since Jett was in diapers, so it makes sense for her to be involved. I am there to co-parent with Loren when she needs me, often for discipline issues, attitude problems, or just going fishing and doing dad things.
Loren and I have had our share of arguments and fights. Many times, the phrase “I will no longer co-parent with you,” has been said. So, where does that leave us today, and where do I see our future co-parenting relationship headed? For me, I will always be a very involved dad, whether the boys are with me or their mom.
I am willing and more than able to have a positive co-parenting relationship with Loren if she chooses to have one. It is often portrayed that I am the reason that we don’t have a positive co-parenting relationship, and I would have to politely and truthfully disagree. This is a two-way street, and both of us are equally at fault for not having a better co-parenting relationship.
I do have things I am working on, such as having a better attitude, and not being so brutally honest. Being honest is ok and is the right thing to do, but how I deliver that can sometimes be a little harsh. There are parts of me that still see and view Loren as the old version of herself, and that is not fair to her. As I have stated before, who am I to judge?
For other dads who are starting a co-parenting relationship, I would offer to you that pride can and will be the deciding factor of whether you have a positive co-parenting relationship or not. You MUST do what is in the best interest of your children, NOT yourselves. Both parents have equal rights when it comes to their children, and neither parent is superior to the other.
Do you have to be best friends who still say I love you? Of course not. In my opinion, anyone who tells you that, is not being realistic or honest. However, both of you must be willing to put your feelings, anger, and differences aside for the well-being of your children. There’s an old saying that children are like sponges that soak up everything. They will soak up the good and the bad, and they will be a direct reflection of the attitudes and behaviors that surround them.
Teach your children to respect adults, especially their parents. Also, remind them that respect is earned and can easily be lost. Don’t allow yourself to get so wrapped around the little things like who your co-parenting partner brings around your children, or consistently bringing up arguments and feelings from your failed marriage. Do your best to let those things go and focus all of your attention on your amazing children.
Co-parenting is not and should not be a competition. It should be, however, a friendship between two parents who constantly show their children how much they are loved and how important they are.” -John
Whether you are the mother or father - patience, understanding, and communication are all important elements of a positive co-parenting relationship.
It is essential to remember, no matter how angry you may become, at one time you chose your child’s other parent. You chose that person to create life with, to love, to share your heart with. Just because your marriage did not work, does not mean that your friendship cannot.
Lay down your swords and combine forces.
Keep in mind that you have one very important mission in common – to raise happy and healthy children.
With special guests, John & Jake