“The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one’s life.”  - C.S Lewis

Remember being young and planning your life – when you would get married, where you were going to live, how long you would wait to have children, and what they would look like. 

If we were betting women, we are guessing that you did not likely plan on having a ready-made family. That’s ok; neither did we!

Unfortunately, divorce happens.  

But maybe you were lucky enough to find love again, (and maybe one more time – don’t judge us) and have the opportunity to start over.

Perhaps on your second (or third) time around, things do not necessarily look the same.  

How do you maintain the romance, while trying to co-parent and blend a family?

Well, it is simple really.  We are totally kidding – there is nothing easy about it.  

But rest assured, it CAN be done!

Envision a romantic getaway to a condo with an ocean view.  You are so close to the beach; you can hear the waves crash against the shore all night long.  

Picture the love of your life lying next to you, and the two of you curled up in bed after finishing a 5-star dinner that included a couple bottles of red wine.  You are both so passionately wanting one another, in a way that makes the rest of the world disappear entirely.  The two of you are intertwined as one, with the only interruption being the sound of the ocean outside of your window. 

Now let’s visualize some reality.  It’s Saturday morning, the sound of kids screaming and fighting wakes you.  The smallest little human barges in and demands to know when breakfast will be gracing his empty belly.  

You and your partner are dawning your finest sweats.  Add to the attractiveness, your disheveled hair from yet another sleepless night.  Both of you scramble about attempting to tend to everyone's hunger and morning needs.  

Once breakfast is complete and the sink is dawning a fresh new pile of dirty dishes, the kids make their way into various parts of the house to begin their day of destruction.  You gaze tirelessly across the dining table at your partner, both questioning which is more important in this brief moment alone: A shower or an intimate moment?  

You choose the intimate moment and dash away with urgency, as if you have been training your entire life for this discreet and much needed rendezvous. 

Children are full-time, no sleep, no rest for the wicked, little, demanding bosses.  

So, how do you keep the spark going while parenting?  

Even better, how do you keep the spark alive while co-parenting?

“I admit, throughout my co-parenting journey, I was single more than I was taken.  I had relationships, but nothing serious that I felt had potential to last.  However, in this last year, I found a true partner that has brought a new meaning to my life.  

The past pain of not having my sons full time, I now look at like a gift.  The time apart from them on my “off weeks”, I cherish and have the ability to renew myself.  My partner and I are able to spend alone time together, much more than we would if we were full-time parents.  

In our case, it works out pretty conveniently.  His weeks/days with his kids are the same as mine.  Therefore, we are able to parent and non-parent together.  Those days and nights that our children are at their other homes, are just as special as the nights we have all five! 

To take this even further, I believe we each need our own personal time as well. Whether that means going to the salon on Saturday to get my hair colored or lying in bed extra-long on a Saturday while he run errands.  Each minute of every day is accounted for and utilized for a purpose.  

Sometimes, throwing on a movie on a Saturday morning for the kids gives you a moment of intimacy that I firmly believe you should take!  Intimacy doesn’t always have to be sex.  Intimacy can be anything that gives you a feeling of closeness and familiarity with your significant other.  

Laughter, naps, sex, kisses, holding hands in the car on the way to the grocery store - these are all acts of intimacy that are vital to keeping the spark alive!”  -Loren

 

There are many obstacles that come along with re-marriages.  

You may have the pain from previous relationships, you could have some regret or unfinished business, and sometimes you have a whole army of children!

You have a commitment to your babies, to be the best parent you can be.  However, you also made a promise to your new partner that you would strive to make this marriage work.  

It may not be an easy road, but with understanding, desire, communication, and some hard work, it CAN be done!

 

“From the very beginning of my relationship with John, it has been turbulent to say the least.  Leave it up to me to have found the most amazing and romantic man, yet I could not even relish in that joy because we were surrounded by chaos.  

My idea of a romantic night is definitely not organizing our custody court binder.  Now, don’t get me wrong – I am quite turned on my structure and organization.  However, “Honey, can you find the transcript of the call where your ex-wife called me a chihuahua,” is not exactly arousing.

Before John and I were married, one of my stipulations was that we attend therapy as sort of a preventative maintenance.  I had already been co-parenting for years, so I knew that it could be stressful on a new relationship.  As parents, John and I both thought that putting our children before ourselves and our marriage was the most important and right thing to do.  During one of our therapy sessions, we were actually scolded for that.

At first, I did not agree with our therapist.  As a mother, my children were always first – no matter what!  When our therapist began explaining that if we were trying to create a ‘family’ but we were not showing our children that by loving each other, then we were failing.  She went on to say that without our relationship, there would be no united family.  Instead, it would be two people that lived in the same home and slept in the same bed, while raising two separate families.  It made sense to us.

We decided to get creative.  After we got home from work and greeted our children, the first ten minutes belonged to us.  No kids allowed.  It was our time to tell each other how our days went and to steal a quick kiss and embrace.

Each week, we took at least 20 minutes of uninterrupted time to connect with one another.  Whether it was a glass of wine on the back porch, or talking about our future plans, we had the undivided attention of each other.  We put a note on the door that read, “Mom and Dad Time – Do Not Interrupt Unless You Are Bleeding or Broken”.  During that time, children, exes, work, and custody battles were off the table.

Our date nights definitely did not look like the once had, but the most important thing was that we were together and enjoying each other.  It helped that Christmas came soon after we were married.  It is one of our favorite times of year – besides the kids’ birthdays.  This is the time we get to sneak away to the bedroom and “wrap presents” without being interrupted.  

You see, parenting is all about getting creative...and learning to hide from your kids.”  -April

 

 No relationship is perfect.  No one’s children are perfect.  

Blending a family is a new level of difficult.  Trying to keep the romance in your relationship while co-parenting is utter insanity.  But, if two people love and respect each other enough, you can get through it.

Talk!  Talk about everything.  

Discuss your fears and frustrations.  Let your partner know what is going on inside your head.  Communicate with your spouse about how you are feeling.  That is intimacy.

Make time for each other.  

No matter how hard it is, set aside time for just the two of you.  You can answer your child’s question of why grass is green tomorrow.

 If you walk past your partner, give the booty a little smack.  Steal kisses while your wife is making dinner.  Put your arms around your husband while he’s doing the dishes.

Sneak into the closet for some super-fast sex!

Be a team.  Support each other.  LOVE one another.

 Remember, this too shall pass.