“A stepparent is so much more than a parent; they made the choice to love when they didn’t have to.” 

In America, it seems that paternal preference dictates in favor of the mother as far as our judicial system is concerned. Gender roles play a large part in almost all aspects of our everyday lives. In some parts of the world, children are viewed as mere property belonging to their father.  Much of today’s society would consider women as the primary caretaker of children. 

This poses the question, is there a double standard when it comes to stepdad vs stepmom? 

 

Many families assign roles and parental tasks based on gender.  For instance, it is often the mother that stays home to care for the children while the father maintains the career that contributes to his family’s financial needs.  Fathers are often responsible for much of the discipline, while mothers are considered the nurturer of the family.

Many people would agree that women are built for nurturing; it is innate in them.  Whether you are a mom, stepmom, aunt, or friend - we all share the common trait to love and protect.  On the flip side of that instinct, our counterparts - men - have the instinct of providers and leaders. 

 

As a new stepmom, April found herself jumping in feet first to a role she knew all too well.  

She had been a mother, so nurturing and caring for children - whether they were her own or not - came very naturally.  

“Due to the circumstances surrounding our custody battle, I did what I thought was right in the situation.  I also thought it was important to be an equal opportunist parent when John and I were attempting to combine our large family.” -April

Growing up, April’s mother oversaw running the household.  There were times that her mother worked outside the home, but domestic household chores were not something she remembered her father contributing to.  Being raised in the South during the 80s, it was common for women to stay home with the children while men earned income outside the home. 

As an adult, April found herself taking on many of the same roles she had witnessed her mother fill as a child.  Even though she is not a self-proclaimed feminist, April still believes that times have changed from the days when men came home from the office with their wives waiting at the door in a dress and pearls handing them a whiskey on the rocks.

April is the type of woman and mother that attempts to balance it all, even while wearing her pearls.  Sticking to her southern roots, she maintains most of the household chores and pursues a career outside the home. 

“I believe that women can do whatever they want to do.  At the same time, I feel that women are better suited for certain careers and tasks that men are not and vice versa.” -April

Co-parenting was not unfamiliar territory for April when she met John.  She had been co-parenting with her first husband for several years prior.  Being a stepmom, however, was new and uncharted.  When she met her second husband, she recalled how people would praise him for marrying a woman with children.  “Roy was placed on a pedestal for agreeing to take on a father role for my girls.  It was as if I were damaged goods and he drew the short straw when he landed me.”  

April had a difficult time understanding why men were applauded for marrying a woman with children and actively parenting with her, while women are condemned when they marry a man and agree to take on the role of mother to his children.

“While I feel it is appropriate to place gender specific guidelines on household chores in my home, I do not believe co-parenting should be gender bias.” -April

 

Is being a stepmother harder because as women we tend to fill our role whenever we are needed? 

 

From Loren’s perspective, she saw April’s involvement as an overstepping of boundaries to her role as the biological mother of John’s children.  For instance, when seeing her children cuddle up to their stepmom or call her “mom”, there was naturally a tinge if anger.  At the same time, there was a sense of comradery knowing her children were in the hands of another mother.  Loren was never in fear of their safety. 

When a potential stepfather came into Loren’s life with her children, the role did not pan out in the similar manner it had for April, as a stepmom.  

Seeing a man scold her child, gave Loren an anger that was far beyond anything she had ever felt, and instead, sent her into protection mode.  The man that came into Loren’s life took a more standoffish approach, until it came to discipline.  In which case, he felt as if he were the “leader” of their home and should be allowed to parent as a biological father would. 

“The role of father had been filled in my sons’ lives, and I did not think it was ok for him to parent my children as if they were his own.  That role was taken by their father and me.” -Loren

 

When it came to parenting Loren believed that the roles of discipline and caring for the children should come from the biological parents.  The role of a stepparent was to support the decisions that the natural parents agree on, in her opinion.  To Loren, parenting and relationships should not be blended under the same standards as a new relationship.  

“Everyone’s situation is unique, no doubt.  However, it does seem to be more socially acceptable for women to parent their stepchildren as if they were her own, versus a man step-parenting them.”  

Loren feels that perhaps the intimidation factor plays a role in this. She thinks men are more aggressive and naturally assertive resulting in a threat of sorts for a co-parenting dynamic. 

Is being a stepfather harder because men have a natural instinct to take control and be protectors?

 

Above all, no matter what gender specific roles you play, the role of step parenting has many more boundaries and guidelines than that of biological parenting.  Navigating co-parenting is much like walking through a field of landmines.  Treading lightly is an understatement.

At the end of the day, each family and household is different. It is important to find what works for YOU and YOUR situation. There are no rule books, and the guidelines are self-made.

Communication is the key component in discovering which paths you wish to cross. 

Whether you decide to assign gender specific roles to your co-parenting dynamic, or you just carve your own way…

May the odds ever be in your favor!